Replies to '05/27 The Dr. Phil House: Brat Camp, Part 3'

I was reading through the message board and saw your post, and it made me want to tell my own story because it's weighing down on me and I feel like I'm drowning in how painful and unfair my own experience has been.

When I was 21 (i.e. 16 years  ago), I had to have radical surgery to remove one of my ovaries, part of another and parts of both my Fallopian tubes.  I was told then that my only chance of getting pregant was through in vitro fertilization (IVF).  That knowledge caused me a great deal of pain over the years, looking at my peers, who seemed so carefree with untroubled futures before them.

I finally married at 34 and began treatments.  I knew they would be hard, but I didn't think they would be as difficult as they are and I didn't expect them to last so long.  Over the period of a year and a half, I had two surgeries, over 3 hundred injections, four egg retrievals under anesthesia, and more medical and monitoring tests and procedures than I can even remember.  We had decided on the fourth cycle that we had essentially exhausted all our options and planned on building our family through adoption.  Then the miracle happened.  That fourth cycle was successful.   No one could believe it-- least of all our doctor. 

It was a miracle.  I never had any morning sickness, really no problems whatsoever.  The baby was completely healthy and in the exact statistical center for height and weight.  Then on Thanksgiving Day I had some pain in my back, and I went to the Dr. the next day because of some light spotting.  I was already 4 cm dilated.  I gave birth later that night in the hospital.  I was only at 22 weeks and no attempts were even made to revive my daughter because she was so extremely premature.  She died in my arms.

Her grave marker was placed last week and we completed another IVF cycle on Monday.  It was unsuccessful.  So what I would really like to do is just slam my head against the wall repeatedly and cry and cry--- why can't I catch a break?