Replies to 'Defining Your Authentic Self'

It was strange, as I read your post, I realized how many of the things that drove me nuts was really me reacting as  a child. That when I really faced up and did something and it felt "not right", I realized that I was okay with it,  it's just something old.

You used the word "I" and yes, it did upset her.  The one thing I discovered was that everyone reacts instantly in a defense mode - yep, even me.  When given time to think about it, they're okay with it.  Or they're not. 

My mom used to talk about "the family" how they did this or that .. when I sided with her, she would become upset and defend them.  I finally informed her that these conversations were hurtful to me. That I wanted to side with her, to defend her -- but that's not what she wanted and I told her that I didn't want to hear about it anymore. That it was her choice to keep it in her life and to allow it.  (or something like that).

Then one day when she started up on my case about them again, I went to say something and she quoted me!  It was awesome!  I had said something to my mom that was truth and she connected.  I guess that's why when her boyfriend died and left her his house, she moved in and none of the family is allowed to live there.  She doesn't have to support them. Although, she still bails them out of their problems - however, even that is slowly going away!

If it happens again, what are you going to say -- how are you going to be?  You have built a long-time "resentful" habit here .. so you need to plan on how you're going to think, feel, and do differently.  Habits are just you being on autopilot and have nothing to do with choice.  Breaking habits just requires patience and loving yourself and them as you replace it with a healthier one.

that's an interesting phenonomen.  The idea that one can direct others from the back when traditionally, the back is where one must protect oneself instinctively.  I imagine that instict from eons ago must cause a huge amount of stress and propel people to shut people out of their life.  It is just one way I imagine that it is acceptable to shut people out. 

 

Taemanai