Replies to 'Co-Parenting'
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June 5, 2008, 3:27 pm PDT
 Quote From: anniefanny41 Hello Everyone!
My husband divorced his Ex about 10 years ago and his Ex has custody of the kids who are now 12 & 14 years old. We have lived in the same town and have been very involved in the kids lives and have always paid child support ++ I am the Step-Mom, have been in the kids lives since they were 4 & 6 years old and we have a great relationship.
Unfortunately, my husbands division at work is closing down and we will be transffered to another State within 2 months....
My husbands Son, who is 14 years of age, had stated that he wanted to live with us prior to our finding out about the move. He still wants to live with us and move when we get settled.
He is having a hard time living with his Mom. Mom never remarried or dated after the divorce, does not have any friends, is very depressed and has become obese since the divorce. She is also a compulsive buyer and the house is full of clutter and extremely messy. It is a very depressing living enviroment for the kids and they will not bring freinds into the house because they are so embarressed. She is a very bitter woman who has filed false charges against us, has repeatably denied visitation, etc.,. she has even had to pay all of our attorney fees because of her actions. We have been through hell but it's the kids who have paid the ultimate price. Both of the kids feel responsible for her happyness and try so hard to make her happy.... My husbands son is the oldest and realizes that he can't make her happy but is so afraid to tell her he wants to live with his dad.
In spite of all of the horrible things this woman has done to the kids and us, I can't help but feel sorry for her too. She has wasted some of the best years of her life - is a professional who makes tons of money and gets over $2,000 per month child support, has time on her own to date, go out with friends etc.,. has two children who love her and she is still misserable.
Sorry to have rambled... Bottom line is our Son is put in a horrible position of having to choose which parent to live with. He loves them both but wants to get away from mom and spend more time with dad. He would have to give up the life he knows and make new friends in a new school thousands of miles away if he came to live with us but he still insists that he wants to move. We will be gone by the time he has to tell his mother he wants to live with us and he is afraid doing this when he has to live with her in the inturn because of her depression. She is a lawyer, her mother (his grandma) is a lawyer who represents her and he is afraid. What do I do to help him????????? Please - any advise!!!
His dad and I will support him in any decision he makes but he has to go through this on his own while we go through the legal process a judge makes the decision. That takes a long time...
Please - any advise for us?
Thanks for listening!
I'd suggest briefing another lawyer - not the one you use - and then letting him meet the lawyer alone. The lawyer can explain the process he would have to go through then set up a meeting with Grandma and mother. Perhaps he would find the approach "I want these things to change and if I am still unhappy with the situation at Christmas I will apply to get my custody order changed. |
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June 18, 2008, 8:44 pm PDT
Quote From: anniefanny41 Hello Everyone!
My husband divorced his Ex about 10 years ago and his Ex has custody of the kids who are now 12 & 14 years old. We have lived in the same town and have been very involved in the kids lives and have always paid child support ++ I am the Step-Mom, have been in the kids lives since they were 4 & 6 years old and we have a great relationship.
Unfortunately, my husbands division at work is closing down and we will be transffered to another State within 2 months....
My husbands Son, who is 14 years of age, had stated that he wanted to live with us prior to our finding out about the move. He still wants to live with us and move when we get settled.
He is having a hard time living with his Mom. Mom never remarried or dated after the divorce, does not have any friends, is very depressed and has become obese since the divorce. She is also a compulsive buyer and the house is full of clutter and extremely messy. It is a very depressing living enviroment for the kids and they will not bring freinds into the house because they are so embarressed. She is a very bitter woman who has filed false charges against us, has repeatably denied visitation, etc.,. she has even had to pay all of our attorney fees because of her actions. We have been through hell but it's the kids who have paid the ultimate price. Both of the kids feel responsible for her happyness and try so hard to make her happy.... My husbands son is the oldest and realizes that he can't make her happy but is so afraid to tell her he wants to live with his dad.
In spite of all of the horrible things this woman has done to the kids and us, I can't help but feel sorry for her too. She has wasted some of the best years of her life - is a professional who makes tons of money and gets over $2,000 per month child support, has time on her own to date, go out with friends etc.,. has two children who love her and she is still misserable.
Sorry to have rambled... Bottom line is our Son is put in a horrible position of having to choose which parent to live with. He loves them both but wants to get away from mom and spend more time with dad. He would have to give up the life he knows and make new friends in a new school thousands of miles away if he came to live with us but he still insists that he wants to move. We will be gone by the time he has to tell his mother he wants to live with us and he is afraid doing this when he has to live with her in the inturn because of her depression. She is a lawyer, her mother (his grandma) is a lawyer who represents her and he is afraid. What do I do to help him????????? Please - any advise!!!
His dad and I will support him in any decision he makes but he has to go through this on his own while we go through the legal process a judge makes the decision. That takes a long time...
Please - any advise for us?
Thanks for listening!
Children feel the need to bare the burdens of their parents. He may say he wants to live with his father because he believes that is what he wants to hear. If he truly wants to move with you he will have to be upfront and honest with his mother. You and your husband will also have to be very clear about your expectations and rules. He needs to know that the grass is not always greener and while it may be tough to live with his mother it will not be all fun and games with you. Also consider the long term effects this will have on his relationship with his mother. Regardless of her lifestyle she is a very important person in this child's life and doing anything to enable damage to that relationship could then cause him to have animosity toward you and/or his father. If nothing else this is a good time to teach him a valuable lesson about being responsible for your actions and emotions. At this age the boy needs to learn to speak for himself. If he is not mature enough to tell his mother how he feels and deal with this as a young man then he may not be mature enough to make this decision on his own. I suggest family counselling with not only your side but his mother as well. After divorce we tend to forget about the other parent and though we try to do what is best for the child we seldom work together to do so. |
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