Replies to 'General Advice'
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June 6, 2008, 10:36 am PDT
 Quote From: junebug21 I have a wonderfull little gril who is 9 1/2 (you can not forget the 1/2). We have been fighting about keeping her room clean and general pick up after yourself her whole life. I am very effected emotionaly by the clutter and clean ness of my house. I have talked to her about ; this is what I would do but I can except the best she can do or for her to do it her way. And I have for most jobs she does, I try to encourge her and thank her for her good work. She is always pleased that she did a good job. The trouble is she does not do anything in her room or the rest of house unless we have a fight about it. She is very unorginized and dirty. If she drops something there it stays. It makes me so sad and I don't know what to do to teach her to care for her things. Its not just her room. Every room in the house has her name carved into it or the walls are covered with her writting and drawings. She is obsessed with markers. Her sheets her body her furnature is covered with scribles and wrighting. I have not done it yet but she is going to wash the walls that she wrote on. Everything I have tried has not been efective. I take things away she does'nt care, she gets grounded. As soon as the grounding is done she goes back to doing whatever she was grounded for. When I try to talk to her about what she is doing her response to me "It's my life, Its my room, it's my stuff". I do not seem to be able to tell her why cleaning your room and taking care of your things is importent. I don't even really know my self why. I just know that it is important. Dr Phil says to take everything out of the room tv, computors, phone ect. My kids are not going to have those things in their bedrooms. I don't think that it is nessasary. I would like to encourge her but i am not sure how to do that. When she does anything good I try to praise her and I try to find more things to praise her for. As any kid is she loves to buy things. Her favorite is to buy earrings and jewlery. We have tried to catch her doing things without being told or when her attitude has been sweet and have taken her to buy those things . As soon as she is home with it or them they are lost or broke and all over the house. And after that she thinks we should pay her for every right thing she does. How do I teach her these things? I see the desperation in your post and it is understandable. As a parent myself, I know that you want your child to have better then you’ve had in life, and you want for her to experience a healthy, happy life. Does your daughter have a father or father-figure in her life? Has she experienced any traumatic events in her life, such as witnessing violence or being a victim of violence? The reason I ask is because the characteristics that you describe about your daughter indicate a lack of self worth, and witnessing/having traumatic experiences in life could have created (or greatly contributed to) that lack of self worth/low self esteem. It is great that you try to catch her doing good things and praise her for that. Be sure not to “over-do” the praise, though- it is something that we, as parents, have to be careful about. Praising them too much gives them the indication that they are on a pedestal, and not praising them enough causes a host of issues. Dr. Phil always says to “know your child’s currency.” Your daughter likes to buy jewelry; that is her ‘currency.’ She breaks them, don’t buy new ones. You know that she is capable of doing/being good, because she is good when she is grounded and/or when she wants to be good. Her attitude that “its my life, its my room, its my stuff” has to be nipped in the bud ASAP. When she says that, what is your response? That attitude should not be accepted in your home. Your child is showing no respect for you, for your home, and no respect for herself/her things. You said that you’ve tried many different tactics and they don’t seem to work. It is important that you are 100% consistent with these tactics; don’t try one and give up when it doesn’t work. Pick one and stick with it for at least 2-3 weeks. Your child knows that she can get away with the things that she does; that is the reason she does it. When you prove to her that you can, and that you will, enforce your new rules and boundaries, prove to her that you will by being consistent, things will begin to change. My advice to you is to seek outside, professional help as soon as possible. Your daughter is only 9 and a half now, but by the time she is 12, this attitude will be full-blown hell for your household. You’ve got to learn how to get a handle NOW, because there is no later. Do this for her, because she needs and deserves to have guidance in her life. Although she doesn’t show it, she does want it. If you think that she tests your patience now, just wait ‘till she is 12. I wish you the best- it can be difficult to change this long-held, bad attitude that your child has, but the end result is worth it. |
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June 6, 2008, 11:35 am PDT
Quote From: junebug21 I have a wonderfull little gril who is 9 1/2 (you can not forget the 1/2). We have been fighting about keeping her room clean and general pick up after yourself her whole life. I am very effected emotionaly by the clutter and clean ness of my house. I have talked to her about ; this is what I would do but I can except the best she can do or for her to do it her way. And I have for most jobs she does, I try to encourge her and thank her for her good work. She is always pleased that she did a good job. The trouble is she does not do anything in her room or the rest of house unless we have a fight about it. She is very unorginized and dirty. If she drops something there it stays. It makes me so sad and I don't know what to do to teach her to care for her things. Its not just her room. Every room in the house has her name carved into it or the walls are covered with her writting and drawings. She is obsessed with markers. Her sheets her body her furnature is covered with scribles and wrighting. I have not done it yet but she is going to wash the walls that she wrote on. Everything I have tried has not been efective. I take things away she does'nt care, she gets grounded. As soon as the grounding is done she goes back to doing whatever she was grounded for. When I try to talk to her about what she is doing her response to me "It's my life, Its my room, it's my stuff". I do not seem to be able to tell her why cleaning your room and taking care of your things is importent. I don't even really know my self why. I just know that it is important. Dr Phil says to take everything out of the room tv, computors, phone ect. My kids are not going to have those things in their bedrooms. I don't think that it is nessasary. I would like to encourge her but i am not sure how to do that. When she does anything good I try to praise her and I try to find more things to praise her for. As any kid is she loves to buy things. Her favorite is to buy earrings and jewlery. We have tried to catch her doing things without being told or when her attitude has been sweet and have taken her to buy those things . As soon as she is home with it or them they are lost or broke and all over the house. And after that she thinks we should pay her for every right thing she does. How do I teach her these things? I agree with the previous poster...get some professional help...NOW...make an appoinement to see a psychologist or counselor...there is obviously something going on with your daughter...
But, take heart...it is normal for kids to be dis-obedient...that's why we parents are here...to make them do what they are supposed to do...but the vandalism of the walls is concerning...
I have an idea about the drawing on the walls...perhaps, as a reward for your daughter having a clean room, you could paint her bedroom, and allow her to do a mural on one wall...anything she wants...within reason...and that wall is hers to decorate, but the rest of the walls are off-limits...maybe she needs an outlet for her artistic tendencies...
That being said though, you really do need to seek professional help...as kids enter their teen years, they really need guidance to stay on the right path...
Becky |
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