Replies to 'General Advice'
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June 6, 2008, 1:44 pm PDT
 Quote From: jaimie1974 I see the desperation in your post and it is understandable. As a parent myself, I know that you want your child to have better then youve had in life, and you want for her to experience a healthy, happy life. Does your daughter have a father or father-figure in her life? Has she experienced any traumatic events in her life, such as witnessing violence or being a victim of violence? The reason I ask is because the characteristics that you describe about your daughter indicate a lack of self worth, and witnessing/having traumatic experiences in life could have created (or greatly contributed to) that lack of self worth/low self esteem. It is great that you try to catch her doing good things and praise her for that. Be sure not to over-do the praise, though- it is something that we, as parents, have to be careful about. Praising them too much gives them the indication that they are on a pedestal, and not praising them enough causes a host of issues. Dr. Phil always says to know your childs currency. Your daughter likes to buy jewelry; that is her currency. She breaks them, dont buy new ones. You know that she is capable of doing/being good, because she is good when she is grounded and/or when she wants to be good. Her attitude that its my life, its my room, its my stuff has to be nipped in the bud ASAP. When she says that, what is your response? That attitude should not be accepted in your home. Your child is showing no respect for you, for your home, and no respect for herself/her things. You said that youve tried many different tactics and they dont seem to work. It is important that you are 100% consistent with these tactics; dont try one and give up when it doesnt work. Pick one and stick with it for at least 2-3 weeks. Your child knows that she can get away with the things that she does; that is the reason she does it. When you prove to her that you can, and that you will, enforce your new rules and boundaries, prove to her that you will by being consistent, things will begin to change. My advice to you is to seek outside, professional help as soon as possible. Your daughter is only 9 and a half now, but by the time she is 12, this attitude will be full-blown hell for your household. Youve got to learn how to get a handle NOW, because there is no later. Do this for her, because she needs and deserves to have guidance in her life. Although she doesnt show it, she does want it. If you think that she tests your patience now, just wait till she is 12. I wish you the best- it can be difficult to change this long-held, bad attitude that your child has, but the end result is worth it. she does have a father in the picture. He alows her to speek to him with disrespect any time she talks to him. When she speeks to me with attitude I call her on it, it hasn't worked except that she talks a little more respectfully to me. i have not known what to do about that eather. Just calling her on it has not changed it. her dad knows even less then me what to do. I came from a really strict home. My mother did not know what else to do but control with yelling and hitting. I am not going to do that to my children. Yes i may be in the oppisit ditch, but I am trying. I don't feel like I am overly permissive. When she was first born I did have a problem with anger (yelling). I have desided not to do that anymore and I am most of the time stopping it. So I guess she has experienced violence in the past. I had thought about low self esteem but she doesn't act like me so I was not sure. My responce to her its mine is that i do get angry, i think I control it but she still says I am yelling at her. I tell her that it isn't all hers and that I am in control of what she gets and how she lives. She will be able to control her own life when she turns 18. Then I try to tell her what my job in her life is and that she needs to be more mature when it is her turn to be in control. She wont listen turns me off. I get hurt ,but I still try to finnish what I am saying. My mother told me daily that she could not wait till I was out of her house. So I never felt like I had a home. I do not want her to feel that. I guess i do not know how to do that eather. I am concerned that I am too strict. It has bothered me that she has no respect for her parants. I just don't know how to teach her how to have it. I have thought about professional help before but I never new where to go or how to get started. I am very concerned about when she gets older. Not just because she could make my life stressfull but because I do know that no repect for yourself and your parents makes you unhappy and not all that you can be. |
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