Replies to 'How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship'

jljs53

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June 9, 2008, 9:27 am PDT

How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Quote From: dd4life

I have been in a 20 year marriage and have suffered from a yoyo relationship. My husband looking at porn from before we were married. His promises to stop so believable that even I believed them time and time again. I look back at my diaries and my letters to him and it makes me sick. I look back at his "please forgive me" letters and it makes me even more sick. We are still married and I am considering divorse. We separated in the house a year ago and I think that he is in shock that I have not conceded again to his "im sorry. I'll never do it again." I found a note that made me sick saying "I never thought she'd leave me. I never thought she'd find me out." I had his computer sent to a forensic specialist after he had wiped it clean and it made me sick what I found. I think that I've been in denial for years. Repressing my emotions as I gradually got more andmore depressed and withdrawn. He now is again promising me and doing his best to be on his best behavior to convince me of his sincerity. I never know when enough is enough. When do you give up? I never wanted to be divorsed and when he is in his "promising" mode he is so convincing and loving. What to do. Any advise is helpful. Our situation in the house is hard and the kids are suffering. His desire to look at young 19 year old girls worries me with my beautiful young daughter going into puberty. I've been in theropy for a year to help recover from my deeply repressed feelings and still find my self saying "it's not that bad" and burying my feelings. Do I trust AGAIN? Help please.

hi ddforlife

I am on the run but your post touched me, and I wanted to say a few things.

Each of us will give up when our circumstances dictate. Many of us don't want divorce but sometimes that is the only answer when all is said and done - when everything has been tried, chances given over and over etc. I think a general guideline is when it hurts more to stay than leave - this is just an indication.

I am married to a porn addict and have spent a lot of time learning about it - it takes some of the sting out and helps to understand what is going on. There is no trust for a long time - they broke the trust and it has to be earned back - and not by empty promises and words but by action. there is help available for porn addicts and if he is serious about quitting he should get help. Tell him he has to take action, not give you promises. There are sex therapists out there who deal specifically with this kind of thing. there are many other resources too, and if he is serious he will find them.

For you, keep going to therapy and dealing with your issues and I hope you discuss the hurt and emotions that his porn use has brought into your relationship. I would not trust his words, but would want to see him looking for a plan of action for recovery. It has been 20 years and his word has not been good up to now. Serious action is required on his part, in my opinion.