Quote From: confused75Hi.
My ex and I will be divorced next month which I am at peace with, but I am currently having problems with my 9yr old daughter, and how far I should push her, into spending time with her dad. She does not want to stay with her dad during her school holidays or any other time, but just happy to spend a few hours a fortnight with him, when he visits her and her sister. Initially when I first separated from her dad Aug 05, she was happy to go with her younger sister and sleep over. Then around Aug 07, this all changed and she would protest to sleep over, and would make comments that when she was at his home, he would always be on the phone, or not spend real quality time with them. Furthermore, I had also sensed his decreased attention to the girls and his less regular calls to speak to them. Eventually in Dec07 he admitted seeing someone to my daughter and I also found out about this.
My daughter was very upset and I believe she still is now. Her confidence also seems to have decreased and she seems to be angry more often. Sometimes also when we talk, she comments that she knows her dad does not put her first. How should I respond to that when I really believe she is right, as the reason we are getting a divorce is due to him, not putting his family first???
I know my daughter needs help NOW, so I am going to take her to see a counsellor and get some books to help me with her, but do you have any advice on how I should deal with her in the meantime???? Her dad keeps persisting he is her dad, and that I should force her to stay over with him during her holidays, so he can spend time with her, but I feel that may make her worse.. I do want her to have a good relationship with her dad but I also want to do whats best for my daughter.
Could you please advise what I need to do to help my daughter.
The explanations and assurances of love have to come from her father. Having you tell her and assrurances from a counselor won't make any dent in her insecurities at all. Her father is the only one that can lay her fears to rest.
In her mind, she is afraid that he will "divorce" her just as he divorced you. She may even secretly think that the divorce is somehow all her fault, children are notorious for blaming it all on themselves.
Have your ex at the session too, this way the counselor can guide your daughter to ask the things she is too young to articulate to the adults that she depends on.
