Quote From: hasissuesI posted in the wrong forum and do hope I didn't bring up bad feelings.:(
I don't why I stay except that maybe I don't believe him when he says he doesn't love me. We have two boys who love us both. Our home believe it or not is pretty peaceful. We dont fight because that would take communication. lol I don't mean to laugh but it does keep me from crying. My husband is a good man who I have put high on a pedastool for 18 years. I am the addict in recovery and I know what my behaviors have done to us both. I understand when he tells me he wants a divorce and then we may be able to work on out marriage. It sounds crazy but in his mind it is the only closure for him and it also makes me pay a price for what I did. He feels if he lets me back into his life then I somehow got away with it. I wish I could tell him how I think of suicide everyday. I think of leaving him a note and telling him this was how much I loved him. Yeah I know that sounds crazy too. I am close to the end but what end it will be I don't know.
This has taken a toll on him probably more than me. I was a selfish person. I wish I knew why I am staying here. I am so scared the kids will hate me. My husband feels they will have the right to know why we divorced.
I keep thinking he will come around. I was told to never quit 5 minutes before a miracle happens.
To sum all this up...I understand why he feels the way he does. I truly do.:(
I have also gone 6 months without drinking and without AA because I cheated with someone in treatment. He was uncomfortable with me going to meetings so I didn't. Tomorrow though I am going to a meeting because I won't last much longer without a drink.
Thanks again for answering to my misplaced post.
Let me first start off by saying that your sobriety and your meetings have to be your first priority. That program is your lifeline as well as the support you receive there. You are only 1 drink away and 1 roll away from ending back to square one all over again and losing everything you have accomplished in your recovery. Don't ever let anybody take that away from you or keep you from a program that is so detramental to your existance. (Congratulations by the way!) If your husband has any objections to you going, he can always join you - but either way you go with or without him.
I'm sure you have been staying in this marriage for many reasons but you can't make him love you nor can you fix this on your own. I'm sure he is still angry and hurt and wants to continue to punish you for the rest of your life for your past mistakes but there has to be a point in time where he has to either decide to end this marriage or actually try to forgive you. Yes, you committed a "crime" but are you willing to sacrafice your happiness for the rest of your life paying for this mistake?
Either way you are a survivor. Look at what you have been through and look at what you have accomplished. This may be the end of your marriage but it is certainly not the end of your dreams. Your future has unlimited possibilities, you've come too far to give up.
