Replies to 'Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship'
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June 21, 2008, 5:24 pm PDT
 Quote From: bballmom1982 I am a 44 yr old who has been married to my husband for 24 years. We have 2 children. A boy who is 12 and the other boy who is 20 and in college. We were high school sweethearts. My husband is the only one I've ever been with. Our first time was not a pleasant one. He basically forced me to have sex with him. I really did not want to. When we first got married our sex life was okay. He worked nights and I worked days. I remember dressing up in a cute neglige and waiting for him to get home. There were times that he wanted to have sex and I didn't and he would get really mad. A few times he ripped my clothes because he got mad. We have been to a couple of councelors and things get better and then we stop going and then things get bad again. It's like riding a REAL LONG rollercoaster. My husband suffers from depression, in which he refuses to take medicine because he saw his mother go through being on medication, going off cold turkey, and then wanting to commit suicide. This last christmas was awful. You could cut the tension with a knife. We started going to counceling again and things got better again, but we stopped going and things are getting bad again. I get to the point that I just want out!! He has told me that he feels he has wasted 20+ years of his life with me. That hurts!! We don't have sex only about once a month, if that. When we do have sex, it is literly sex and nothing else. His idea of foreplay is me getting into bed, ready to go to sleep, and he says "let's fool around!" and then just starts putting his hands all over me. He complains that I don't show affection, which I probably don't because if I try to give him a hug, he has to turn it into putting his hands on my chest and butt and putting his tongue down my throat. I just want a hug, that's it!! I have found that he looks at porn on the internet, which I hate and I have told him, but he still does it. A year or so ago I was looking in his email and found that he asked one of his friends to use their credit card to register on a site so he could talk to this girl. I confronted him about it and said he wasn't really going to do it and that he never would. I do check his email frequently, but I suspious that he has an email address I don't know about. I could be imaging it, I don't know. I'm just so confused as to what to do!! I am afraid that I might be losing my almost 31 year marriage. We have wo sons, age 28 and 30 who we are very proud of. Wehave been through a lot of things but have always come through it together. We are both in Law Enforcement which believe me is a challenge of its own. Marriages don't usally last in that profession and thats if just one person is in it. I think what started the problem is that I was involved in a serious motor vehicle accident almost ten years ago. With that accident came a head injury (which did heal), a broken back, broken femur, tibia, fibula, arm, shoulder and back. The doctors told my family that night that I only has a slight chance of living. At that time my husband was very concerned and when I finally got off life-support and woke up he was great. When I first came home after a month and half of hospitalization he tried to be very helpful as I still couldn't walk yet. These injuries continue to be difficult, every time I start to walk fairly well, my leg re-breaks - I have had several surgeries on it and each time I'm pretty much out of commission for 3-4 months. Most of my leg is now metal and screws and gives me a hard time and almost always pain. But I hang in there and keep trying. He get's impatient and tells me to "grow up and get over it". There is a "uniform chaser" (thats what we in the business call people who pretend to be interested in someone of the opposite sex because it's make them feel "important") that has been after my husband for the past 5-6 months. He says "he's has done nothing wrong" but thats just a matter of time even though its sure not to last because she is over 15 years younger and has already been through 3 other uniforms and destroyed one other marriage. Once thats done she just moves on to another. I need some help in figuring out what to do. Right now I'm just miserable and in limbo. I don't feel like losing the last 30 years or what years there are left! If there is an answer I don't know what it is - but I'd really like to find one!!! |
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June 22, 2008, 1:40 pm PDT
Quote From: bballmom1982 I am a 44 yr old who has been married to my husband for 24 years. We have 2 children. A boy who is 12 and the other boy who is 20 and in college. We were high school sweethearts. My husband is the only one I've ever been with. Our first time was not a pleasant one. He basically forced me to have sex with him. I really did not want to. When we first got married our sex life was okay. He worked nights and I worked days. I remember dressing up in a cute neglige and waiting for him to get home. There were times that he wanted to have sex and I didn't and he would get really mad. A few times he ripped my clothes because he got mad. We have been to a couple of councelors and things get better and then we stop going and then things get bad again. It's like riding a REAL LONG rollercoaster. My husband suffers from depression, in which he refuses to take medicine because he saw his mother go through being on medication, going off cold turkey, and then wanting to commit suicide. This last christmas was awful. You could cut the tension with a knife. We started going to counceling again and things got better again, but we stopped going and things are getting bad again. I get to the point that I just want out!! He has told me that he feels he has wasted 20+ years of his life with me. That hurts!! We don't have sex only about once a month, if that. When we do have sex, it is literly sex and nothing else. His idea of foreplay is me getting into bed, ready to go to sleep, and he says "let's fool around!" and then just starts putting his hands all over me. He complains that I don't show affection, which I probably don't because if I try to give him a hug, he has to turn it into putting his hands on my chest and butt and putting his tongue down my throat. I just want a hug, that's it!! I have found that he looks at porn on the internet, which I hate and I have told him, but he still does it. A year or so ago I was looking in his email and found that he asked one of his friends to use their credit card to register on a site so he could talk to this girl. I confronted him about it and said he wasn't really going to do it and that he never would. I do check his email frequently, but I suspious that he has an email address I don't know about. I could be imaging it, I don't know. I'm just so confused as to what to do!! I highly encourage you to seek professional help for yourself. I know that it isn’t easy to reach out/ask for help; but there comes a point in life when you’ve got to stop simply ‘living’ and begin taking action so that you can truly enjoy life to the fullest. (Of course your husband should be in therapy also; but my advice is for you to go by yourself- this is for YOU.) You are the strongest female role model for your child who is still living at home. Right now, you are teaching him that this is “normal.” He is learning/has learned that disrespecting women is typical behavior and that women will tolerate being treated badly. He will grow up, go out into the world, find a partner, and repeat this dysfunctional pattern for himself. As a parent, I know that you want him to have better then you’ve had in life; you want your children to be happy, healthy and live fulfilling lives. To make that happen, you have to give them a mother who is happy, healthy and who is living a fulfilling life. Ask yourself this: what is keeping you in this marriage? You didn’t mention love in your post. I urge you to make a list of all of your husband’s good qualities & things that you admire/respect, and then make a list of his bad qualities & things that you detest. Seeing these things in black and white will be helpful for you because it will help you begin to take action. I know that it feels impossible to leave this relationship because you’ve been together for so long; it is as though his behavior has become expected and he believes that you’ll simply tolerate it. It sounds like you are tired of “taking it,” and I urge you to take action. Be your own best friend right now; treat yourself the way that you should be treated. It is time to create change in your life; it begins with you. I wish you the best! |
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