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Replies to '03/24 Moms Money Conflicts'
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October 15, 2005, 11:17 pm PDT
 Quote From: sfg1257 My children are now grown and gone and even though I helped my husband get his business started and do some of the paperwork for him, he is putting me down for not doing enough since I don't have kids to take care of any more. I actually do work a commission job but for some reason, it's been extremely slow to the point I'm thinking I should change careers but the only jobs I can find without a degree are very low paying ones since I am starting "at the bottom." My husband is CONSTANTLY complaining about how hard he works and controls every thing he can with that he "earned the money" attitude and words. I'm almost 50 and I must "ask" his permission in order to even have people over to fish because he "made" the pond and paid for the fish... etc. If I drive "his" sportscar that he's paying for, I must tell him where I took it and make sure there aren't many miles on it - not to mention not drive it in the rain. Anyway, what is a "retired" mother worth anymore? Am I expected to pick up his dirty laundry no matter where he puts it becuase he doesn't want to put it in the laundry room and I'm not "working" like he said? Should I have to do "more" around the house (which, to him seems to be cater to his wants and whims or do what he doesn't want to do when he gets home from "working like a dog" to pay "the bills around here" because I'm not making money? He's now saying that he "worked" and "raised the kids" etc and didn't just "quit" working like I did. (I didn't quit but I can't seem to get back to where I was -- I left this career to go to school full time but after two years, I failed a practicum and was out of the program. He knew I had a good gpa(3.4) and worked while going to school too but didn't understand why I didn't "try" harder and didn't understand why it upset me so hard to fail something I tried so hard to get through - so the fact that I now have school bills to pay has fueled his fire about having to pay for me. Again, what is a "retired" mom to do? I can understand justifying a stay at home mom when the kids are young but when they're gone, should I be expected to have a full time career AND do all the house stuff I did to make up for how hard he's worked? I find myself very depressed and have very low self esteem after the school failure and his expectations that never seem to be fulfilled. What makes it worse, is that he really doesn't budget well and is very impulsive in his purchases which have caused us considerable debt. He won't admit he isn't handling things well - just blames me for not working. It sounds like you haven't talked this out with your husband at all. I would start by making a complete list, mentally or on paper, of all the money-related and other problems that you have. Look at everything on your list and prioritize. What really steams your kettle, and what could you really just let go of? Figure out why these issues or topics made your list. Is this a problem that only you can solve, or do you need to involve your husband in the solution? Maybe you can solve your employment problem by hiring a good head-hunter to track down that perfect, well-paying job. Or maybe you and your husband are suffering from a lack of communication and you both need to just sit down one evening, lay it all on the table, and hash it out. If you think you could be suffering a chemical imbalance, or depression-related symptoms, then seek professional help. There are so many great therapists out there that would be able to talk you through your problems or prescribe something that will help you live a more normal life.
Obviously I'm no pro like Dr. Phil, so don't listen to me if you don't care for two cents from a stranger. But please do something to help get yourself out of this misery. I haven't read all of his stuff, but Dr. Phil's books generally have some really good information. You can often find them at garage sales, used book sales, or libraries. He takes a very logical approach to solving problems, and forces you to think about all the ifs, ands, buts, and whys.
My last comment on this: You have to be happy before you can even attempt to make anyone else happy. You are the most important person in the world, so take care. |
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October 16, 2005, 8:45 am PDT
Quote From: sfg1257 My children are now grown and gone and even though I helped my husband get his business started and do some of the paperwork for him, he is putting me down for not doing enough since I don't have kids to take care of any more. I actually do work a commission job but for some reason, it's been extremely slow to the point I'm thinking I should change careers but the only jobs I can find without a degree are very low paying ones since I am starting "at the bottom." My husband is CONSTANTLY complaining about how hard he works and controls every thing he can with that he "earned the money" attitude and words. I'm almost 50 and I must "ask" his permission in order to even have people over to fish because he "made" the pond and paid for the fish... etc. If I drive "his" sportscar that he's paying for, I must tell him where I took it and make sure there aren't many miles on it - not to mention not drive it in the rain. Anyway, what is a "retired" mother worth anymore? Am I expected to pick up his dirty laundry no matter where he puts it becuase he doesn't want to put it in the laundry room and I'm not "working" like he said? Should I have to do "more" around the house (which, to him seems to be cater to his wants and whims or do what he doesn't want to do when he gets home from "working like a dog" to pay "the bills around here" because I'm not making money? He's now saying that he "worked" and "raised the kids" etc and didn't just "quit" working like I did. (I didn't quit but I can't seem to get back to where I was -- I left this career to go to school full time but after two years, I failed a practicum and was out of the program. He knew I had a good gpa(3.4) and worked while going to school too but didn't understand why I didn't "try" harder and didn't understand why it upset me so hard to fail something I tried so hard to get through - so the fact that I now have school bills to pay has fueled his fire about having to pay for me. Again, what is a "retired" mom to do? I can understand justifying a stay at home mom when the kids are young but when they're gone, should I be expected to have a full time career AND do all the house stuff I did to make up for how hard he's worked? I find myself very depressed and have very low self esteem after the school failure and his expectations that never seem to be fulfilled. What makes it worse, is that he really doesn't budget well and is very impulsive in his purchases which have caused us considerable debt. He won't admit he isn't handling things well - just blames me for not working. In my opinion, when a husband starts keeping "track" of who works the most, who makes the most money, etc., etc., you should present him a bill for everything little, stinkin' thing you've done for him since day one. When did this society start measuring a person's value and worth in a family and their contributions to society as a whole in dollars and cents? This became a HUGE issue between my husband and myself when we had our 3 children. (twins born 18 months after our oldest child) Up to that point in time, he called all the shots. But on this issue I didn't back down. I made a decision and stuck to it! I decided to stay at home and raise our children. To suppliment our income I did full time daycare. I did all the housework, brought in decent money, was room mother at school for all our kids, took them to 4-H, was brownie and girl scout leader and PTA president. It was never good enough. I constantly heard: "Get a real job in the real world." It wasn't me he was dissatisfied with; it was himself. He transferred what he felt were his failures and shortcomings onto me. We were struggling financially because of our son's health issues that almost put us into bankruptcy. He became more and more depressed and started drinking. It was like living in hell. To make a really long story short: after almost 30 yrs., he is now sober and has been for 2 years and taking anti-depressants. However, his depression and alcoholism affected all of our children, and myself, in a lot of negative ways. I finally got out of daycare when all my children left home. Because I didn't finish college, my job options were limited. I taught religion grades 1-8 and worked part-time at a Distribution Center. Eventually I was offered a full-time position, in the union, with good pay and benefits. We started to get back on our feet financially, got our credit in good standing, had a decent savings account, and then I was offered a job at a local bank. I learned new job skills, was very good at what I did, was happy, my kids appeared to be doing well in their lives, and then the bottom fell out of my world. My youngest daughter (who has a young son) became addicted to cocaine. The bank I was working at started to downsize and my job was eliminated. For 3 yrs. we struggled with taking care of our grandson and trying to get our daughter help. She is now drug free. She is with a nice guy and they are expecting their first child any day. But our savings is gone, we were taken to collection for our medical bills, my unemployment is running out and I can't find another job. We live in an economically depressed area where there are very few jobs, a lot of unemployment and the few jobs there are are very low paying with no benefits. The responses I've received on all the jobs I've applied for have been that I've not had enough job experience. Up to this point, my husband has been supportive, however, that won't last long because he has been enjoying spending and doesn't know what a budget is! He's started leaving me lists of things to do. I'm not working--he is. I won't buy into that at all. We both live here, we both will contribute. My sister and I tried to start our own residential cleaning business. We have 2 customers. It seemed like everyone had the same idea at the same time we did! I don't know what I'm going to do. I worry about the fact that I'm 54, don't have a lot of job skills and am no longer contributing to social security. I don't know what career you have now or what kind of program you were in that you were dismissed from, but from what you have written it doesn't appear to me that you have "failed" at anything. He has. In my opinion, he is failing at being a husband. He's not taking responsibility for his contributing to the financial difficulties by not budgeting and making impulsive purchases. He's being totally self-absorbed. His constant putting you down and reminding you that you aren't contributing financially is only going to make you feel more insecure and gives him more power and control over you. (this is abusive, by the way) My advice is to either find a supportive circle of friends that can help you work thru this emotionally so you can find a practical solution to your problem or find a good therapist. How much is a "retired" mom worth? More money than he can afford to pay you! |
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October 16, 2005, 4:20 pm PDT
Quote From: sfg1257 My children are now grown and gone and even though I helped my husband get his business started and do some of the paperwork for him, he is putting me down for not doing enough since I don't have kids to take care of any more. I actually do work a commission job but for some reason, it's been extremely slow to the point I'm thinking I should change careers but the only jobs I can find without a degree are very low paying ones since I am starting "at the bottom." My husband is CONSTANTLY complaining about how hard he works and controls every thing he can with that he "earned the money" attitude and words. I'm almost 50 and I must "ask" his permission in order to even have people over to fish because he "made" the pond and paid for the fish... etc. If I drive "his" sportscar that he's paying for, I must tell him where I took it and make sure there aren't many miles on it - not to mention not drive it in the rain. Anyway, what is a "retired" mother worth anymore? Am I expected to pick up his dirty laundry no matter where he puts it becuase he doesn't want to put it in the laundry room and I'm not "working" like he said? Should I have to do "more" around the house (which, to him seems to be cater to his wants and whims or do what he doesn't want to do when he gets home from "working like a dog" to pay "the bills around here" because I'm not making money? He's now saying that he "worked" and "raised the kids" etc and didn't just "quit" working like I did. (I didn't quit but I can't seem to get back to where I was -- I left this career to go to school full time but after two years, I failed a practicum and was out of the program. He knew I had a good gpa(3.4) and worked while going to school too but didn't understand why I didn't "try" harder and didn't understand why it upset me so hard to fail something I tried so hard to get through - so the fact that I now have school bills to pay has fueled his fire about having to pay for me. Again, what is a "retired" mom to do? I can understand justifying a stay at home mom when the kids are young but when they're gone, should I be expected to have a full time career AND do all the house stuff I did to make up for how hard he's worked? I find myself very depressed and have very low self esteem after the school failure and his expectations that never seem to be fulfilled. What makes it worse, is that he really doesn't budget well and is very impulsive in his purchases which have caused us considerable debt. He won't admit he isn't handling things well - just blames me for not working. Our stories are very similar, except my kids are still home. They are early school age. He works 80+ hours a week, while I take care of the kids, house and go to his business every day to help, do paperwork, etc. I put in 15-20 a week there. He is constantly complaining and criticizing how little I do, how I don't appreciate him, I could go on and on. I have my name on the house, but other than that his name is on everything else. I do not have access to a bank account. I have my own bank account, but I don't make money so it pretty much just sits there unused. I have a credit card for gas, groceries, etc., but he constantly threatens to take them away or cancel them. He says I don't work, but I do. He says I lay around all day, and boasts about eveything he does, how hard he works. I suffer from low self-esteem, I have lost myself, my identity. I am afraid to do anything when he is home. If I am not being 'productive' I hear it!
I thank you for writing in. Hearing other people's stories helps! I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow, to see legally where I stand, and if he every pulls the rug from under my feet I will be prepared. I also applied for a job and have an interview on Wednesday. I am going to prepare myself for the worst and not be a sitting duck anymore!
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October 16, 2005, 10:05 pm PDT
Quote From: sfg1257 My children are now grown and gone and even though I helped my husband get his business started and do some of the paperwork for him, he is putting me down for not doing enough since I don't have kids to take care of any more. I actually do work a commission job but for some reason, it's been extremely slow to the point I'm thinking I should change careers but the only jobs I can find without a degree are very low paying ones since I am starting "at the bottom." My husband is CONSTANTLY complaining about how hard he works and controls every thing he can with that he "earned the money" attitude and words. I'm almost 50 and I must "ask" his permission in order to even have people over to fish because he "made" the pond and paid for the fish... etc. If I drive "his" sportscar that he's paying for, I must tell him where I took it and make sure there aren't many miles on it - not to mention not drive it in the rain. Anyway, what is a "retired" mother worth anymore? Am I expected to pick up his dirty laundry no matter where he puts it becuase he doesn't want to put it in the laundry room and I'm not "working" like he said? Should I have to do "more" around the house (which, to him seems to be cater to his wants and whims or do what he doesn't want to do when he gets home from "working like a dog" to pay "the bills around here" because I'm not making money? He's now saying that he "worked" and "raised the kids" etc and didn't just "quit" working like I did. (I didn't quit but I can't seem to get back to where I was -- I left this career to go to school full time but after two years, I failed a practicum and was out of the program. He knew I had a good gpa(3.4) and worked while going to school too but didn't understand why I didn't "try" harder and didn't understand why it upset me so hard to fail something I tried so hard to get through - so the fact that I now have school bills to pay has fueled his fire about having to pay for me. Again, what is a "retired" mom to do? I can understand justifying a stay at home mom when the kids are young but when they're gone, should I be expected to have a full time career AND do all the house stuff I did to make up for how hard he's worked? I find myself very depressed and have very low self esteem after the school failure and his expectations that never seem to be fulfilled. What makes it worse, is that he really doesn't budget well and is very impulsive in his purchases which have caused us considerable debt. He won't admit he isn't handling things well - just blames me for not working. The way I see it, "mom" doesn't get an off day. Her work is never finished and there is always more you have to do. Just when you think you get everything done, something else falls in your lap. I have been married almost two years and I have a 9 month old so I am just starting to get a taste of what being a mom is all about, and from looking at what all my mom did, it only gets harder. So how much is a "retired" mother worth? I don't think there will ever be enough money in the world to pay a "mom" back for everything she has done not only for her children but for her husband. So I say you should tell your husband to add up all the years you have worked non stop to take care of the kids and him and the house and tell him that now you are going to go back and take your off days and vacation time. He owes you that much. Tell him to add up all those times he didn't have to work and got to enjoy sitting on the couch while you were still doing things for him, your kids, or the house. YOU ARE THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN not to mention HIS WIFE, the woman he is suppose to love and cherish for the rest of his life. Don't take any crap from him, he should be putting you on a pedestal for all you have done. I don't know if you watched the Dr. Phil show the day he added up the pay for a stay at home mom but it was around $85,000 a year so tell your husband he should step up to the plate and stop acting like child or he can pay you $85,000 for the last 18 years. But honey, you deserve a break. You haven't failed at anything. You raised wonderful kids and showed them how to live a good life. That is an accomplishment you should be very proud of. |
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October 22, 2005, 5:41 pm PDT
Quote From: sfg1257 My children are now grown and gone and even though I helped my husband get his business started and do some of the paperwork for him, he is putting me down for not doing enough since I don't have kids to take care of any more. I actually do work a commission job but for some reason, it's been extremely slow to the point I'm thinking I should change careers but the only jobs I can find without a degree are very low paying ones since I am starting "at the bottom." My husband is CONSTANTLY complaining about how hard he works and controls every thing he can with that he "earned the money" attitude and words. I'm almost 50 and I must "ask" his permission in order to even have people over to fish because he "made" the pond and paid for the fish... etc. If I drive "his" sportscar that he's paying for, I must tell him where I took it and make sure there aren't many miles on it - not to mention not drive it in the rain. Anyway, what is a "retired" mother worth anymore? Am I expected to pick up his dirty laundry no matter where he puts it becuase he doesn't want to put it in the laundry room and I'm not "working" like he said? Should I have to do "more" around the house (which, to him seems to be cater to his wants and whims or do what he doesn't want to do when he gets home from "working like a dog" to pay "the bills around here" because I'm not making money? He's now saying that he "worked" and "raised the kids" etc and didn't just "quit" working like I did. (I didn't quit but I can't seem to get back to where I was -- I left this career to go to school full time but after two years, I failed a practicum and was out of the program. He knew I had a good gpa(3.4) and worked while going to school too but didn't understand why I didn't "try" harder and didn't understand why it upset me so hard to fail something I tried so hard to get through - so the fact that I now have school bills to pay has fueled his fire about having to pay for me. Again, what is a "retired" mom to do? I can understand justifying a stay at home mom when the kids are young but when they're gone, should I be expected to have a full time career AND do all the house stuff I did to make up for how hard he's worked? I find myself very depressed and have very low self esteem after the school failure and his expectations that never seem to be fulfilled. What makes it worse, is that he really doesn't budget well and is very impulsive in his purchases which have caused us considerable debt. He won't admit he isn't handling things well - just blames me for not working. I am so glad you shared your story. It is a mirror for me. When I read your letter I was amazed at the similarities in my own life. I could have written this letter myself. The pattern of behavior that your husband has shown is identical to my husband. He is always critical and nothing ever pleases him. There is no doubt in my mind that if you were to find a dream job tomorrow, he would inevitably find something wrong and then criticize you.
I am 29 with 2 children (4 and 12 months). I am a stay at home mother. After 5 years of marriage I have reached my end. I can no longer tolerate the daily onslaught of abuse. I call it abuse because that is what it is. My soul is wounded and I no longer trust myself. After all I am the one that put myself in this situation. Your letter is like a window into the future. I know that is where I will be if I continue this marriage. It feels like butting my head against a brick wall knowing it hurts but continuing to do it anyway. Insanity! However I have already made preparations to finish my education and within a year and a half I will leave my husband. I feel very deceitful making plans to leave him while pretending there is nothing wrong. However my concern is no longer for him but for my children. I will not subject them to a life of poverty. I know what that is like. My mother was a single mother and worked very long hours in order to provide the essentials for my sister and I. I know what it is like to wish your mother had enough energy to play with you. So I will continue to put on a happy face and I will endure his criticism of every little thing that I do because in a very short time I will have my identity back. I do not have to put up with this I am worth more. I do deserve more. I deserve someone who will appreciate my personality and the love that I give. I may never marry again, but that is a risk that I am willing to take. I truly would rather be alone and happy than with him and miserable. I know one day I will reach the point that I look back and say "why did I wait so long". Because you see I have tried everything ( I'm sure you have too.). This is not a rash decision, it has been a long time coming. I knew within the first 2 months that we were married that I had made a mistake. However, I continued to try. I thought that if I could try hard enough things would work out because that is how life works right? You work hard and then you are rewarded for it. I have now learned that is true only if the thing that you are working hard at is sure to produce the results you want. You can't grow a tomato if you plant a potato.
So, again I thank you. Please know that you have encouraged me. I intend to print a copy of your letter to remind myself when I lose hope and think that it's too hard that I do not want this for my life. I hope I have not offended you in speaking so bluntly about your circumstances. But if we can be honest ,and I think we can because we are both living in the same circumstances, our lives suck! We may have very nice husbands but they are not nice to us and if they can't be nice to us ( a basic human courtesy) then why should we be married to them. I have reached this conclusion. I don't know what is keeping you from reaching this point but I hope you will. You sound like you are a very intelligent person, obviously you have the patience of a saint, and if you have no one else to tell you this, then let me be the one, he does not deserve you. He doesn't deserve any one, no one should be treated this way. Please think back before your marriage and try to remember the hope you had for your life. Did you ever imagine your life this way. Could that person you used to be ever endure this type of marriage. My 23 year old self would rather die than give up her power to man that wouldn't even respect her. The age of 30 is a mile marker and I intend to make my mark. I am so looking forward to turning 30. 50 is also a mile marker. What mark will you set. Don't make the mistake of saying oh well we've been married this long. Americans are living longer every year. You may possibly have 20 more years with him. Please ask yourself 2 questions. If he never changes if your relationship stays exactly the same, do you want to spend the next 20 years with him. Then ask yourself If you had the chance to be truly happy, to be independent, to feel like your whole self, but it meant living without your husband, would you take that chance? I know how it feels to live such a tumultuous life. I know the anxiety. I hope you find your way and I hope you finally find peace. |
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March 24, 2006, 7:48 am PST
Quote From: sfg1257 My children are now grown and gone and even though I helped my husband get his business started and do some of the paperwork for him, he is putting me down for not doing enough since I don't have kids to take care of any more. I actually do work a commission job but for some reason, it's been extremely slow to the point I'm thinking I should change careers but the only jobs I can find without a degree are very low paying ones since I am starting "at the bottom." My husband is CONSTANTLY complaining about how hard he works and controls every thing he can with that he "earned the money" attitude and words. I'm almost 50 and I must "ask" his permission in order to even have people over to fish because he "made" the pond and paid for the fish... etc. If I drive "his" sportscar that he's paying for, I must tell him where I took it and make sure there aren't many miles on it - not to mention not drive it in the rain. Anyway, what is a "retired" mother worth anymore? Am I expected to pick up his dirty laundry no matter where he puts it becuase he doesn't want to put it in the laundry room and I'm not "working" like he said? Should I have to do "more" around the house (which, to him seems to be cater to his wants and whims or do what he doesn't want to do when he gets home from "working like a dog" to pay "the bills around here" because I'm not making money? He's now saying that he "worked" and "raised the kids" etc and didn't just "quit" working like I did. (I didn't quit but I can't seem to get back to where I was -- I left this career to go to school full time but after two years, I failed a practicum and was out of the program. He knew I had a good gpa(3.4) and worked while going to school too but didn't understand why I didn't "try" harder and didn't understand why it upset me so hard to fail something I tried so hard to get through - so the fact that I now have school bills to pay has fueled his fire about having to pay for me. Again, what is a "retired" mom to do? I can understand justifying a stay at home mom when the kids are young but when they're gone, should I be expected to have a full time career AND do all the house stuff I did to make up for how hard he's worked? I find myself very depressed and have very low self esteem after the school failure and his expectations that never seem to be fulfilled. What makes it worse, is that he really doesn't budget well and is very impulsive in his purchases which have caused us considerable debt. He won't admit he isn't handling things well - just blames me for not working. Call a lawyer is my advice to you....the attitude your husband has is blatant mental and verbal abuse! I understand about low self esteem but you are the only one that can make positive changes for YOU......Good luck to you! |
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March 24, 2006, 3:02 pm PST
Quote From: sfg1257 My children are now grown and gone and even though I helped my husband get his business started and do some of the paperwork for him, he is putting me down for not doing enough since I don't have kids to take care of any more. I actually do work a commission job but for some reason, it's been extremely slow to the point I'm thinking I should change careers but the only jobs I can find without a degree are very low paying ones since I am starting "at the bottom." My husband is CONSTANTLY complaining about how hard he works and controls every thing he can with that he "earned the money" attitude and words. I'm almost 50 and I must "ask" his permission in order to even have people over to fish because he "made" the pond and paid for the fish... etc. If I drive "his" sportscar that he's paying for, I must tell him where I took it and make sure there aren't many miles on it - not to mention not drive it in the rain. Anyway, what is a "retired" mother worth anymore? Am I expected to pick up his dirty laundry no matter where he puts it becuase he doesn't want to put it in the laundry room and I'm not "working" like he said? Should I have to do "more" around the house (which, to him seems to be cater to his wants and whims or do what he doesn't want to do when he gets home from "working like a dog" to pay "the bills around here" because I'm not making money? He's now saying that he "worked" and "raised the kids" etc and didn't just "quit" working like I did. (I didn't quit but I can't seem to get back to where I was -- I left this career to go to school full time but after two years, I failed a practicum and was out of the program. He knew I had a good gpa(3.4) and worked while going to school too but didn't understand why I didn't "try" harder and didn't understand why it upset me so hard to fail something I tried so hard to get through - so the fact that I now have school bills to pay has fueled his fire about having to pay for me. Again, what is a "retired" mom to do? I can understand justifying a stay at home mom when the kids are young but when they're gone, should I be expected to have a full time career AND do all the house stuff I did to make up for how hard he's worked? I find myself very depressed and have very low self esteem after the school failure and his expectations that never seem to be fulfilled. What makes it worse, is that he really doesn't budget well and is very impulsive in his purchases which have caused us considerable debt. He won't admit he isn't handling things well - just blames me for not working. I think you should return to work in a job you really enjoy!!! My husband died suddenly when I was 54 years old and I was forced to return to work after 23 yrs. I did not have a college education, but I could type, spell and interact with other people. I submitted my resume' for a file clerk position (starting at the bottom) although I had previously been an office manager in the medical field. To my surprise, they called me with the offer of a medical secretary position. I have just finished 15 yrs in that capacity and am only retiring now due to ill health. I have loved being out in public again. Believe me, it will boost your self esteem to get out in the work force and know you are contributing something. You may have to start at the bottom but if you walk in with your head held high, with confidence in your attitude, and get in and work hard - it will be no time before you are recognized for your abilities. Your life will change when you believe in yourself and do a good job. Do not let ANYONE lower your self esteem - God gave you abilities for you to use, not for others to tear down. Good luck and God Bless You!!! |
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March 24, 2006, 4:01 pm PST
Quote From: sfg1257 My children are now grown and gone and even though I helped my husband get his business started and do some of the paperwork for him, he is putting me down for not doing enough since I don't have kids to take care of any more. I actually do work a commission job but for some reason, it's been extremely slow to the point I'm thinking I should change careers but the only jobs I can find without a degree are very low paying ones since I am starting "at the bottom." My husband is CONSTANTLY complaining about how hard he works and controls every thing he can with that he "earned the money" attitude and words. I'm almost 50 and I must "ask" his permission in order to even have people over to fish because he "made" the pond and paid for the fish... etc. If I drive "his" sportscar that he's paying for, I must tell him where I took it and make sure there aren't many miles on it - not to mention not drive it in the rain. Anyway, what is a "retired" mother worth anymore? Am I expected to pick up his dirty laundry no matter where he puts it becuase he doesn't want to put it in the laundry room and I'm not "working" like he said? Should I have to do "more" around the house (which, to him seems to be cater to his wants and whims or do what he doesn't want to do when he gets home from "working like a dog" to pay "the bills around here" because I'm not making money? He's now saying that he "worked" and "raised the kids" etc and didn't just "quit" working like I did. (I didn't quit but I can't seem to get back to where I was -- I left this career to go to school full time but after two years, I failed a practicum and was out of the program. He knew I had a good gpa(3.4) and worked while going to school too but didn't understand why I didn't "try" harder and didn't understand why it upset me so hard to fail something I tried so hard to get through - so the fact that I now have school bills to pay has fueled his fire about having to pay for me. Again, what is a "retired" mom to do? I can understand justifying a stay at home mom when the kids are young but when they're gone, should I be expected to have a full time career AND do all the house stuff I did to make up for how hard he's worked? I find myself very depressed and have very low self esteem after the school failure and his expectations that never seem to be fulfilled. What makes it worse, is that he really doesn't budget well and is very impulsive in his purchases which have caused us considerable debt. He won't admit he isn't handling things well - just blames me for not working. The one thing that I see that is truly wrong with your post, is that neither you or your husband assess any value to your time. Just because you are not out there in the so-called "real world", does not mean that you labour is not valuable. Everything that you do in your home contributes to the lifestyle of both of you. What I would do if I were you is, keep a record of everything that you do each day for a week. Keep track of the hours you spend cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and general maintenance to your home. At the end of the week hand your husband a bill for services provided that helped to sustain him in comfort. Even if you only charge him minimum wage per hour I am sure both you and him will be surprised at the total. In fact I would go one better and find out how much a cleaning service would charge per hour for laundry and housecleaning. Let him know the discount he gets because you do these things out of love. You both need to understand that work in the home is what keeps the economy running. Without someone doing the invisible labour no one would be able to do wage labour. |
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