Replies to 'Getting Along With Your In-Laws'

I can really relate to so many of the posts here.  I live with my mother in law.  She is 91 years old and is the most meanspirited person I have every known.  My husband, son and myself have lived with her for almost 5 years.  She was falling a lot so my husband thought it would be good to move in.  The first 3 years where hell.  She was verbally abusive to the whole family, but moreso towards me.  She literally disrespected me from  the day  I first moved in.  She would pit my son against me by lying about me.  I have spent nearly 20 years in and out of therapy because of being abused as a child by 2 foster families, both foster familes were related to each other.  The foster family were truly dysfunctional.  I only realized that  as I healed in therapy.  There was emotional, physical and sexual abuse and I was a victim of their hate. 

Now I am in a home where that abuse is triggered on a regular basis.  She is not physically abusive but is verbally abusive.  I have confronted her numerous times after I got stronger but she will be fine for a while and then goes back to her same behavior if she is not getting her way, silent treatment, playing mind games and then denying that there is anything wrong.  Anyone who is aware of the games people play, like meanspirted in laws, knows what I am talking about.  I have come to a place where I have nothing more to give.  I am a loving and a caring person, compassionate and empathetic.  I am that way because of my past.  I am also very sensitive to any kind of abuse, but I do not apologize for being sensitive.  I almost wonder if my mother in law preys on my vunerability, since many times I went to her, talked to her about her behavior, but not once did she own her behavior or say she was sorry.  I will not let her age be an excuse for being so damn mean to me.  Yes, I am angry.  If I deserved her abuse because of my behavior that would be one thing, but my behavior has never been about putting her down, only standing up for myself.  Her behavior has worked with her son and others.  It does not work with me.  By not confronting her I am enabling her to repeat the behavior as tho it is okay.  It is not okay!!!!!!!!!!  My husband does not stand up to her because he is not as sensitive to what she does.  He gets over it, I do not.

I have worked real hard to become whole after 20 years in and out of therapy.  I find it sooooooooooo frustrating that I live with this woman.  The rest of her nieces and nephews and their children all think she is a sweet aunt and so loving.  We see a different picture.  I could blame her behavior on dementia, but as I said she is not this way with other people just the people who are there to take care of her, her son, daughter in law and grandson.  I truly am beginning to hate being around her.  I do retreat to the basement and try real hard not to be around her that often, only when necessary.  If I did not live here and only visited, I could excuse myself.  It is a lot harder when on a daily basis I come home from work and have to sit at the same table and be congenial.  Any advice would be appreciated.  I am at my wits end.  It is as tho she is an emotional vampire and sucking the life out of me. I have become a strong person in this journey, but she is THE ONLY PERSON that for some reason takes my power away and I am working hard that she not do that.