Replies to 'Good Parenting'

I am not a parent, so if you don't find me credible that's alright. But any interestion between two people is a relationship, be it parent/child or not. One of the important things about any serious relationship (and by serious I mean those relationship which are more than task related i.e. those which are usually temporary and get us to a short term goal, for instnace the relationship that any Wendy's employee has with a customer) is that, among other things, communication must be open and honest.  

  

For purposes of argment lets assume most people who go to jail are guilty. Good people don't go to jail! Jail is there to punish bad people who have broken laws (Wheather this works or not in a whole other issue!). As you established in your message, you feel he is a bad person too.  

  

Back to open and honest comminucation... it's agreed that he is a bad person. You need to be honest about it. Dad cannot be an exception to this rule. If going to jail is bad, than Dad is too. Otherwise, what happens if someone starts thinking "My Dad is in jail, but that's ok because he's my dad." or worse yet "My Dad isn't a bad person, so being in jail isn't bad." 

  

Second of all, a good parent begins with being a good person. Normally, I don't support single parenting. However, when one party isn't willing to be a responsible adult and do things that are necessary to provide their child with a good life, sometimes there are no other options. Clearly, he wasn't willing to do/not do whatever it was that was needed for him to stay out of jail, and be a parent and provide for his child. That being said, you say he will never change, in which case you should never let him near his child, until he proves that he can be a respinsible adult who is willing to give his child the best.  

I agree with some of what the other reply said, but not all. I agree that it is your responsibility as a parent to protect your child from anyone including another parent. I also agree that you should be honest and open. Where I disagree is this: your child's identity is tied to her perception of her parents (where she came from). Whether you like it or not, this is who her father is and that is a part of who she is. I have some experience with this, as our first two kids are adopted. Both come from teen mothers who made serious mistakes in their lives - and I don't mean getting pregnant. In spite of this, we never bad-mouth the birth-mothers EVER. We separate the behaviour from the person. We keep the focus on taking responsibility for your actions. I would do this with your daughter too: your father loves you and his behaviour doesn't change that fact. He has done some bad things (NOT he is a bad person) and now he is in jail. That is sad for you, because you love him, but it is the right place for him to be. Something like that, anyway. It is really important for you to be honest with your daughter. People are screwed up more by finding out that what they knew was a lie, than by knowing that their life isn't perfect. Tell her how it is. If you believe that her father is not a good influence in her life, tell her that. Tell her that you don't want her to get hurt and that you believe it is better for her not to have contact with her dad. The important thing is that what you say doesn't make her think that she will be bad, that it's "in her blood". That can happen without you meaning it. It was the case with my daughter's birth mother. She was adopted herself (an abandoned baby) and always believed that was how she would turn out. And she did. My daughter is only 6 so we will have to let you know in ten years' time, but we believe it has been right. She is a beautiful, happy, loving child with a great attitude to her life. We really put the emphasis on honesty and responsibility. We tell all the kids (we have 3, one biologically 2 yrs old, plus our 6 & 8 yr olds) that life is about choices and you have free will to be good or bad. Nothing in your blood makes you that way. One other thing, I grew up mostly without a father. He was abusive and bad in lots of ways, and I went with my mother from age 7. It wasn't hard for me to be without him, because I knew I was better off and it was the right choice. My sister was only a baby, so she never knew him at all. Because she was never told about my father's character, she romanticised about what kind of dad she had missed out on. She became promiscuous as a teen, seeking that male attention. I believe it was better for me to know the truth about my father (even if I had to learn it the hard way) than for my sister to be "protected" from knowing. Hope this helps, and good luck with talking to your daughter about this.

I thought I was replying to a new post. Hope it was still helpful. Have you talked to your daughter? How did it go?

Hi, 

Yes i wanted to give you some advice, you may be wondering how on earth a 15 year old girl could give you advice for her daughter. I just wanted to say that in my experence my mom didnt want to keep me from my dad, and i love my dad and he loves me. But the thing is my cousin was in the exact same situation as your daughter is. Im not asking for information but you have to realize that your daughter is just 8, and to tell her that her father is in jail, and depending on what may make her think that her father is a bad person, and since you said that you dont bad mouth her father.. even though you are telling her the truth you rreally don't need to tell her. If she asks why her father isn't calling her then you need to explian to her that he loves  you but is unable to call you right now. but i do think when she gets older you do have to tell her. also i dont know what type of person this guy is, so if hes the type to be a jerk id say you have to let her see him because if she finds out that hes a jerk then she wont want anything todo with him. yes it eill be hard if he hurts her, but if you dont let her see her dad she will blame you.. with your help if hes mean, she'll get through it... Let me tell you that shell go through alot, and i know you know that too.. But with this you will be there for her.. help her through it dont hide it from her.. 

  

hey do u think you could give me some advice too?