Replies to 'How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship'

 This subject was recently discussed via Cheryl Lavin, a relationship columnist with the Chicago Tribune. Her weekly column is carried by other papers, including the Detroit Free Press. You can go to the Chicago Tribune website to read both the original column and the replies to it. In the column, a woman wrote in to say that she was 42, and hadn't had sex with her husband for many years. He is 16 yrs. older than she. He has health problems. She said that she would never cheat on him, will not divorce him, loves him and is otherwise "happy." She writes that she has not had any luck discussing their lack of intimacy with him. He shuts down and won't talk about it. She doesn't know what to do and is miserable and longing for physical intimacy. Cheryl Lavin replied that although she does not condone affairs, perhaps the only recourse this woman has is to conduct a "discreet" affair, and encouraged her readers to give their opinions. Many did, me included. Some readers who are in the same boat as the woman said they have indeed had "discreet" affairs to fill the hole (pun intended) in their lives and to get the need for physical intimacy fulfilled. Some readers said that for the columnist to suggest an affair to "fix" the problem is a misguided and dangerous solution.  One reader suggested that the woman buy a vibrator, close her eyes, and start fantasizing.

There are many, many partners who, for valid or bogus reasons, no longer have sex with their spouses. Health and mental issues seem to be the main ones. Then there are people like you whose spouses have lost interest for whatever reasons. You do not give any reasons for your spouse no longer desiring sex with you, except that she has "let herself go", which I take to mean that she has gained weight. Is that why she won't have sex with you anymore? I myself have lost my desire to have sex due to the anti-depressant I am taking for severe depression. I am also anorgasmic because of it. I couldn't have one even if I wanted to. Thankfully, I am not in a relationship, so it is not an issue for me (or my partner, had I one.) I do miss having a physical relationship, but I don't miss feeling depressed. If I ever entered into another relationship, this would be an issue, one that I would discuss with my prospective partner.  But, in my reply to the woman who wrote in to the columnist, I also said that intimacy with your partner isn't just about intercourse, isn't just about a penis and a vagina meeting up. Physical intimacy involves so much more. As I have said before, our largest sex organ is our brain. For example, I know a married couple who have had to alter their expressions of intimacy towards each other due to a spinal injury suffered by the husband. He is a paraplegic, paralyzed from the waist down. His penis doesn't function anymore. However, his brain, hands, mouth and tongue work just fine. Somehow (wink, wink) they have great, fulfilling sex and both couldn't be happier. I wonder if the woman in the column has ever asked her husband to alter his perceptions of what physical intimacy are, and to be there for HER even if he doesn't want sex for himself. Now, perhaps he won't give that to her. Won't be there for her in this way. What then? You asked in your post whether using porn was better than divorce or an affair. You also say that you are nearing the point of "giving up on her." And that porn isn't enough anymore. Based on what you have posted, perhaps divorce is a way to go, IF you two have gone down every road, exhausted every option, and have done everything you can to rehabilitate the relationship. Dr. Phil says we have to earn our way out of a marriage, and I agree totally with that. Ask yourself what you have done to rectify this problem. I'm sure it isn't the only problem your marriage has. Unless your wife's health precludes having physical sex, there are other reasons, deeper reasons. If your communication with and emotional intimacy with your wife was good and healthy, I doubt you would be having this particular problem. You must do everything in your power to find out what's really going on,and step up to your responsibility regarding it. I have found Dr. Phil's book, 'Relationship Rescue' to be good at defining and clarifying these issues. There are others. Perhaps some counseling, by yourself, with a good therapist who specializes in marriage and family counseling would be a good step. See, in the end we can only control our own actions, but our behaviors and actions can and do affect and influence those around us, and our spouses and children more than anyone else. I believe in marriage, and would never condone an affair. Yes, I know people do it, and can justify their reasons. But, to paraphrase Dr. Phil again, you never solve a problem within a marriage by going outside of it. IMO, only after you have explored the reasons and issues that have made your marriage what it is, and have done everything you can to solve the problems and rectify the issues, only after you have done that, and have found that even after doing so the marriage is irretriveably broken and unfixable, then and only then should you divorce and move on with your life. Anything else will leave unfinished business, you will have learned nothing about yourself, and you will leave a path of emotional wreckage and heartbreak in your wake. Sorry, but you don't do that to people you claim to love. Good luck to you.

I hope what I have to say is helpful.

 

Ask yourself the same question: "What if a wife is loving and faithful in every way and never gets sex or intimacy from her husband? What if he has let himself go (or fill in the blank, too busy, not attentive enough, doesn't make enough money, can't cook for crap) ? These things are choices that we make on day to day basisis.  We run to "other" things when we don't know what else to do......but you are feeling invisible. Has she rejected you on all levels? Do you spend a few hours a week just hanging out and maybe laughing together? Do you enjoy a good walk once in a while (or fill in the blank to what you find enjoyable). Is it strictly sexual that she is not interrested? Has your sex life become boring or affected in some way for both of you for some reason?

 

It sounds like she pulled the plug (withdrawing) when she was not feeling content with you....and you pulled the plug (porn) when they didn't go well for you. It is crucial not to let big things slip by because they won't disappear. It may be easier not to confront one another but we need to be able to express ourselves emotionally, sexually and physically. 

 

My suggestion would be to see if the reasons for the start of the demise of your marriage are still present and if so, you can suggest talking about them. Clear the air. If you can't get a conversation out of her then she has pulled away and things probably won't ever change.  So before you walk away from this marriage figure out what happened, see what you did to bring you to this point. A lot of times we are responsible for the destruction of our lives as much as we contribute to its good ness. 

 

Good luck.