Replies to '07/17 Living on a Prayer'

Good observation about how this is how drug addicts "run" their households.  These people are addicts of an insidious kind themselves.  They are addicted to not only religion, but toxic religious beliefs.  I'm not going to debate Christian scripture.  I'm talking in general that anybody who believes in something that causes them to live in a way that is socio-pathological, amoral, antinomian, or otherwise harms someone else (in this case seven children), then the are toxic religious addicts.

You'll note the many manifestations of this in the father's response.  Gaslighting, spinning, avoidance, taking conversational detours, repetitive meaning answers.   Their monotone, deadpan expressions.  It's all clinical.

As mentioned in my original post earlier today, I was married to just such a "Christ-professing" deadbeat.  And he was just as calm and kind as he could be at church, in front of the pastor and anywhere outside the home where his image mattered.  At home, he became a completely different person--verbally abusive, using bible-speak to justify how he mistreated us because God said he was the head of the home, etc.  So,  having lived this kind of financial and emotional nightmare, and having escaped, survived and now thriving, I have a pretty good idea what this man is like at home with the cameras off.  Don't be deceived by how he appeared with the cameras rolling.  Or the images of his little kids sitting around and praying.  These kids are dealing with a hell of a lot more than just a deadbeat father and codependent mother.  Religous abuse is the worst kind.  It leaves no visible scars, and is easily disguised and justified because "God's name" is invoked.

It is most laughable when "mango trees, etc." are brought up.  My financial nightmares included my ex idiot's"dreamer's"  preoccupation with:  off-brand pantyhose sales, restroom air fresheners, all kinds of pyramid schemes, making sharp sticks so his sons could go out and gather cans to pay his bills, and many many more that he used the money I as a sole bread winner was earning to finance before he abandoned them.   He proved over and over again that he was not fit to be self-employed, but he felt entitled to it because, like Dan, he "couldn't work for somebody else."  I tell you, jerks like them cannot submit themselves to the authority of a boss--that's why.  All they know is to be THE authority in every situation, especially in their own homes.  So, telling him to get a job isn't something he doesn't realize would make sense.  He just knows that he can't subdue his narcissism long enough to be successful working for someone.  It would mean he wouldn't be in control.  It scares the crap out of them.  And believe me, when these types are scared crapless, they WILL go home and take it out on their families.

So what do we have?  This is a deadbeat father who is hiding behind religion.  This is a woman who is so mind controlled by religion that she is a non-person, and whose sole signficance is in chronic reproducing and going along with her husband abandoning all critical thinking in the process. 

My ex-deadbeat bully of a husband is still defended by the church he gave all of his time and service to, while not working and either ignoring or abusing me and the family.   We existed to somehow prove his spirituality.  That was our job.  To appear to be a happy, healthy family unit, so he would look good and one day be hired into the full-time ministry--his only aspiration in life--but never realized.  I can't imagine why.  :-)There are plenty of women who are living our various shades of the same kind of idiocy in the name of God.  They're not all extreme cases like the one on the show today.  But, they're all in the same prison of their own choosing. 

This show and the message board comments have exhausted what's left to say.  We can argue scripture on a religious level, but it only means something to those who hold it up as a standard.  I personally do not any longer.    And also, we can debate this on an intellectual level until the cows come home, but I've got personal experience.  I know whereof I speak. I've walked in these shoes and for all the same reasons.   

Very few of these women/mothers are capable of the resolve to dig deep enough within them to choose to do what's best for their children and themselves.  And I do admit to a certain level of personal satisfaction that I did.  And I am grateful to the limited help I received in breaking free and starting over.  So, I know it's possible, but not probable for most.  There are a lot of factors, including family of origin, possible complications from mental illness, the level of verbal/physical abuse they may also be enduring, access to outside contacts and resources ( a very key factor for those who do leave this kind of situation), and so on.

This show probably won't resolve this difficult situation of which we've been painfully made aware in the lives of this family.  Hopefully though, it will serve to help even one woman with children get a clue, get help and get away.  Hopefully it will wake up even one man to his sensibilities to step up and do whatever it takes to care for his family properly.