Replies to '07/22 Male Egos Out of Control'

Thanks!!!

You are so awesome for posting this.  So many people need this information.  This should be required reading for everyone before they get married.  THIS IS WHY!!  DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!!  HA HA HA!!  I can joke about it now but if I'd know all this years ago....anyway, this is why:   

My ex husband of 10 years had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, not a formal diagnosis of course because nothing is wrong with him of course.  But everything I have read on the subject in the past three years, ughhhhh.......?  That diagnosis, the list of symptoms, exactly sounds exactly like him.  It's kind of creepy when I read a new book about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, almost like the author knew my ex and was describing him specifically. 

What was really bad was that I had no idea things like that existed until it was WAY WAY too late.  Also, I grew up in a really fundamentalist Free Will Baptist family that believed divorce was only allowed if your spouse was cheating or being physically abusive to you, emotional abuse didn't count and spanking the kids a little too hard didn't count either (how stupid is that?). So, I was trapped and set up, ready and waiting basically for Hell on Earth.  (Now I have so many questions and have absolutely no use for blind mindless fundamentalism of any kind.)

My ex knew all about this and used it to his full advantage. He never did hit me but he always threatened to.  I honestly believe he never cheated but the emotional abuse to me and our son continued to escalate the longer the marriage went on.  He was really charming the first couple of years otherwise I would have never been with him but I was a mere shell of a person by the end of the marriage.  Our pastor just kept telling me to pray about it?!?!?!  What an a$$ hat!!  The straw that broke the camels back came when my ex, who was a body builder and an award winning martial artist left clearly defined hand-print bruises, not slap marks, but clearly defined hand-print bruises that were still there 3, 4, 5 days later up and down our then four year old son's back and legs.  I thought, 'Nope, I don't care if I go to Hell later because I am there now.  No one is gonna hurt my baby.  I'd go to hell for my baby anyway.'  Because FL has such a dismal record on protecting children, he completely got away with it, scott-free, not even anger management counseling was required!!!!  And I ended up back home to TN.   

He has had one visitation with our son since then.  It was two years ago; he was six at the time.  He got mad and punched him in the stomach. I didn't see it happen; I just heard him cry and started asking questions.  The ex said our, no MY son was just acting like a baby.  I said something to the affect of "Yeah he IS a child you know?  Now WHY is he crying so hard and holding his stomach?"  The ex just got mad and left and drove back to FL.  My son didn't tell what happened until the next day because he was so afraid.  I took him to the ER and called child protective services.  Because FL has such a dismal record on protecting children, he got away with it AGAIN!!!  Now he only has supervised visitation, something which he hasn't even tried to take advantage of in the last two years but if he ever does I am not letting that SOB out of my sight for even 2 seconds.  He hardly ever even calls. 

BUT IMAGINE HOW MUCH SAFER MY SON AND I COULD HAVE BEEN IF I'D READ THESE BOOKS SOONER AND KNOWN ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS!!!!!!!  Good lord, we were in and out of couple’s therapy for a while and I was in individual therapy most of the last 5 years of the marriage with different therapist and no one ever even brought this issue up!!!!!!!!  I absolutely cannot believe that!  Is their really so few good qualified therapist in the world?  Like I said, this should be required reading for everyone, especially before they get married!!   

One last note, after the incident happened in FL, with the hand-print bruises, he knew I was finished, done and leaving.  He couldn't have me leave him; being a narcissist, he had to be the one to end it.  So he said, ok, go visit your mom in TN for a month then come back.  I'll take you there then come back and get you.  I said fine ok, I am ready to get the F away from you anyway.  So I went to TN with just my son and a couple of suit cases.  When the month was up, he called and said, “No I’m not coming back to get you but I’ll rent a U-Haul and bring you your stuff.”  I didn't want to go back home anyway but I did want my stuff.  I had a house full of stuff in FL!!!!!  The month I was gone in TN, he was moving out with a room mate from his martial arts class.  He was gonna be a bachelor again.  He kept giving me the run around about getting my house full of stuff back from FL meanwhile I was in TN with no job, no health insurance, very very sick with a mystery illness that later I found out was a pituitary tumor, not to mention a bad case of depression after all that I had been through.  He never rented the U-Haul and brought my stuff back to me.  He stopped paying the mortgage and the house was auctioned off along with everything I had ever owned still inside of it. 

My son and I started over in TN with nothing except two suitcases.  Our first night in our very own Section 8 apartment we slept on a second hand mattress on the floor, all of our dishes and blankets were donated by an awesome group of free thinking intelligent people from a local church, food stamps bought our food, Families First (TN version of Welfare) turned on our electric and our second hand telephone.  That was 3 years ago.  My mom is so awesome!  I'd never made it without her.  I only get $10 in food stamps now but that is packaged in with the health care that my son gets.  We no longer get Welfare payments and I am back in college and hope to be a writer some day but I will totally settle for being an English teacher :)  I am still in the same in apartment.  I still have mostly second hand everything but my apartment is fully furnished now.  It has been a hard road but my life is my own now and I am happy.  I will never allow any part of my life or my son's life to become a casualty to someone else's personal issues ever again. 

Geez!  I just told you my whole life story.  That ‘one last note’ was half this post!  I honestly didn't mean to do that.  I get started and it just sounds so awful if I stop in the middle of it.  But I am on the other side of it now.  I am no longer defeated and I so am proud of that.  This ended up more like one of my personal journal entries.  As a matter of fact…….. ok, this is now cut and pasted to my journal. 

Anyway, thank you!  XOXO!!  You are so awesome for posting this info!  Keep spreading the word!  This kind of behavior is NOT OK!!!!!!  Ladies!  Gentlemen!  Everyone!  Protect yourselves from the a$$ hats of the world!! 

As Bob Marley says, “Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery”  If you don’t know what I am talking about it is called “Redemption Song” and it is awesome!!  You should totally check it out!!! 

Thanks!!  XOXO!!!