Replies to 'Getting Along With Your In-Laws'

Hi everybody,

This is my first posting here and I'm looking for advice.  I have one son and he is married and has two young children, ages 3 and 20 months.  They have been married almost 4 years.  My husband passed away on 8-4-07 and this has been a year from hell for me.  With the one year anniversary coming up, I'm a little over emotional right now and the problems with my DIL aren't helping any.  My son and his family live in the same town as me yet I have only seen my grandchildren on 4 different occasions this year, each time for less than 1 hour.  I am not allowed to go to their house (my son says they don't want to have to clean up for me).  My son works a hectic and varied work schedule that often includes nights so sometimes he goes long periods of time without spending much time with his own family.  That complicates things, too. 

Without going into a terribly long history, my DIL is mad at me because I told my son that I was upset when I walked into my husband's hospice room in the week before he died and she was sitting with her arm around his neck stroking his hair.  It bothered me.  She never bothered to tell him she loved him until he was dying and then she becomes the ever-caring DIL.  My husband and I were happily married for 27 years and NO woman was allowed to stroke his hair regardless of his condition!  My DIL and I had a confrontational phone call this past June and she brought this up and told me that I had no right to feel that way.  She said "He was dying and I was comforting him.  At least I was there."  (Implying that I wasn't.)  I would never have told her about this and I'm sorry I told my son.  I should have known better.

She also says that I blame her for never getting to see the children.  She admitted on the phone that she won't bring them to me by herself because she feels uncomfortable around me.  I told her it's my son's fault as well but apparently that doesn't satisfy her.  During that horrible phone call, I apologized to her for ever hurting her feelings and begged for her forgiveness 7 times.  I said we needed to move forward and put this all behind us and work towards being a happy family.  As Dr. Phil says, I was trying to be the hero and stand up and accept responsibility.  She never accepted my apology or gave me forgiveness.  She ended the conversation by telling me "to go to hell" and hanging up on me.

There's more but I won't go into anything else.  I honestly think she enjoys having the upper hand in this.  I think she enjoyed having me "beg" her forgiveness and not giving it.  She hasn't spoken to me since.  Not even at the granddaughter's birthday party this past weekend.  My son says she doesn't want to see or speak to me.  Which also means, I don't get to see the children.  That's the power she has.  She has the power to keep the kids away from me because my son is often working weekends and evenings.

I am at a loss to figure out how to solve this. I love my grandchildren and it hurts me that I can't see them.  It hurts that she hates me so much and I honestly don't know what I've done to make her so mad...if I've done anything at all.

Any ideas?