Replies to 'Divorce Support'
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August 6, 2008, 6:53 pm PDT
 Quote From: mommy5_29 So I am not divorced at least not yet but last week I told my husband that I am just not in it any more. I am not in love with him any more and I don't know that there is anything that anyone can do about it. I told him that if nothing else I need some time away from him to think. I hate that line and never thought I would use it but I do I can't think about what I want to do while living with him. But he started crying, I have only seen him cry once before that. We talked for awhile and he said he wanted to try to work on it so of course I feel for it and didn't stick to what I wanted. But while I lay in bed that night all I could think about is how even in that conversation one min he would say something was ok and a min later it wasn't and that is one of the biggest problems I have with our relationship I never know what is ok and what isn't cause he can't make up his mind. So now we have been sitting around for a week and really nothing has changed and I still want to leave. See we have been married for 7 yrs and have been together for 11yrs since I was 15 yrs old. We now have 2 kids and I can't help but sometimes wish I could go back 7 yrs and do things differently. Over the years I have asked him for things I need emotionaly and he changes for a little bit but before I know it it's like I didn't say anything. What's sad and has gotten us to this place is that I stoped considering my feelings cause it didn't matter what I felt no one cared. I no longer know who I am or what I want except for I want to be the best me I can be, the best mother. My kids are missing out on so much because I am not happy. They are everything to me. It is hard for me to remember that ultimatly I am doing this for them and me. I have never been a selfish person but he has made me have to be. Someone has to put me first, well at least a really close second (my kids are always going to be first). So how do I pack up our kids and just leave? I don't want to hurt him. I am not a mean person I do anything I can to not hurt anyone. Do I just do it and not look back? Doesn't sound like you have earned your way out of this marriage yet. What have you and your husband done to try to fix this relationship? Have you gone to counseling, have you read relationship books together, talked to a member of the clergy, gone to marital seminars etc ??? If you haven't, then you need to. When you walk out that door you need to have a clear conscience that you took the necessary steps to try and save this marriage, that you left no stones unturned, that you tried your damnest to fix the issues so that you have no regrets in the future. I understand losing youself, not knowing who you are and what you like to do anymore. Kids change everything and we tend to put ourselves on the back burner for a while. But you need to take responsibility for that. You can't blame it all on your husband. You need to find a balance in your life which includes your husband, your children, your family and friends and your special interests. It's real easy to blame another person for your unhappiness. Yes, he should be providing you emotional support but you also need to be your own best friend and take a hard look in the mirror and see how you contributed to the demise of this marriage. You are responsible for your own happiness and you need to create it. Walking out is not always the answer. Before you decide to leave, please commit yourselves to doing some really hard work on this marriage with a therpist before calling it quits. |
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August 7, 2008, 2:01 pm PDT
Quote From: mommy5_29 So I am not divorced at least not yet but last week I told my husband that I am just not in it any more. I am not in love with him any more and I don't know that there is anything that anyone can do about it. I told him that if nothing else I need some time away from him to think. I hate that line and never thought I would use it but I do I can't think about what I want to do while living with him. But he started crying, I have only seen him cry once before that. We talked for awhile and he said he wanted to try to work on it so of course I feel for it and didn't stick to what I wanted. But while I lay in bed that night all I could think about is how even in that conversation one min he would say something was ok and a min later it wasn't and that is one of the biggest problems I have with our relationship I never know what is ok and what isn't cause he can't make up his mind. So now we have been sitting around for a week and really nothing has changed and I still want to leave. See we have been married for 7 yrs and have been together for 11yrs since I was 15 yrs old. We now have 2 kids and I can't help but sometimes wish I could go back 7 yrs and do things differently. Over the years I have asked him for things I need emotionaly and he changes for a little bit but before I know it it's like I didn't say anything. What's sad and has gotten us to this place is that I stoped considering my feelings cause it didn't matter what I felt no one cared. I no longer know who I am or what I want except for I want to be the best me I can be, the best mother. My kids are missing out on so much because I am not happy. They are everything to me. It is hard for me to remember that ultimatly I am doing this for them and me. I have never been a selfish person but he has made me have to be. Someone has to put me first, well at least a really close second (my kids are always going to be first). So how do I pack up our kids and just leave? I don't want to hurt him. I am not a mean person I do anything I can to not hurt anyone. Do I just do it and not look back? As a mother, I know that you want your children to have better then you’ve had in life. You want them to be happy and healthy, and to grow up to be self-respecting, productive citizens of the world. But, to make that happen, you have to give them a happy, healthy and self-respecting mother. That is the best gift that you can ever give to them. Of course, they also need a happy, healthy and self-respecting father; but you only have control over yourself. The answer to your situation is not to pack up your children and leave. I urge you to seek professional counseling for your marriage. (It is best for you to have therapy together but also for you to have sessions apart.) Don’t wait around for things to change- because you already know that nothing will change. You and your husband need and deserve guidance from a professional, unbiased person. You can’t just wait around for positive change to happen magically, you have to work together to make it happen. With professional guidance, it is possible that you will learn (surprising) things about your husband and why he is the way that he is, and he will learn that same things about you. I can’t express enough how important it is to have that unbiased and fair third person be involved in creating positive change in your marriage. When you tell your husband that you aren’t happy and that you want to go to marriage counseling together, be prepared for him to promise a world of change; but don’t allow yourself to fall back into that old pattern. You know that he can promise change, but that he can’t deliver it. It is difficult for most people to ask for/seek out the professional help that they need, so remind your husband that you are in this together. This is how you are going to create a new and improved life together. If you receive therapy to work on improving your marriage but nothing changes, that is when you leave. But now is not the time to leave; you have to at least try to create those changes together. I wish you the very best. You deserve to happy and fulfilled in life; don’t settle for less anymore! |
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