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August 6, 2008, 1:44 pm PDT
Toxic Family Relationships
Quote From: kristen_08I have two older brothers (separated by 10 and 12 years). Since May 2008 my oldest brother left to Afganistan for a six month tour. So his wife and two daughters (1 month and 2 years old) came to live with me and my parents. At that time I was finishing High School. On July 1st my sister-in-law told us she was going to be leaving within a few days because things that had been addressed weren't getting done. She proceeds to tell me that I haven't been contributing with her kids. I had explained that nothing was addressed to me directly and that the responsibility isn't mine. She insisted that it was what she expected of me. I didn't feel like I HAD to help with the kids (when i wasn't asked to directly) and the fact remained that my parents help her as much as they can. Which brings me to my next annoyance of my parents. My parents have bent over backwards to help my sister-in-law out, and she remains unsatisfied. She always complains about something. Yet my parents work, come home, and seem to always be taking care of one of the kids. Along with that my parents pay for ALL her meals, the kid's meals, and sometimes gas. She is so unappreciative.
For the past two weeks my sister-in-law has been in parenting classes because of taking the kids to the ER too many times. Yet, she still manages to get away with not having to go 24 hours without help. While on many occasions my parents have had the kids for alot more than 24 hours. My sister-in-law also manages to go out frequently. Just last night she came home at 4 in the morning. In my opinion, being at 30 years old with two kids, nights out would be few and far apart. When my brother is with her she never goes out. And if she does she has a notified baby sitter. Yet last night my parents were given approx. 1hr notice.
Lately, I feel like every ounce of happiness I have will soon be sucked out by my overbearing sister-in-law. There have been many conflicts with my sister-in-law and she has threatened to leave many times. Yet, when my parents prompt her to leave, the next week she is still here. I cannot take it anymore. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I wish my brother would come home and she would be gone. Yet, seeing as my brother still has 3 months to go, what can I even do? I'm sure with your brother serving in Afganistan, there is much stress in the family. Was the sister-in-law always this controlling or is this something new? I'm wondering if it's stemming from her worry over her husband. I'm sure having these added people in your house is chaotic but you are not obligated to care for your nieces. If she asks you for your help, that's one thing but to have this unspoken EXPECTATION is unreasonable. Can you sit and talk with her about this? Or is she so consumed with herself that it's pointless?
I really believe your parents are bending over backwards because they are so worried about their son serving overseas. Perhaps they fear losing that deep connection with his wife and their grandchildren, so Perhaps the sis in law is going out alot to try and cope with not having her husband (your brother) around.
Whatever her reasoning is for her bad behavior, don't allow it to consume you. People don't always act the way we want them to. Is it possible to sit and have a civilized "family meeting'? Where you can get your feelings out and some guidelines can be drawn up? It sounds like everyone is very emotional in your house right now and talking it out could provide a healthy solution for the next 3 months.
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