Replies to 'Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship'

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and together in a reltionship for 15 years. We were always part of a strong group of couples (5) that initiated because my wife has had 4 good friends since high school that stayed together. All the boyfriends and now husbands get along and are now also close friends. Last year one of the husbands died after battling brain cancer for 12 years. This has obviously shaken up our world. My wife is probably the closest to the wife so I have been supportive for her to do what ever is necessary to help her. We moved last year away from all our friends so this has required my wife to travel frequently to be with her friend. I have been supportive and loving and sharing along the way. any trip that was planned for her and her girls, I was usually the first husband to say go for it. Now the widow friend naturally wants to be alive again as a woman and meet men. Not for a relationship but for physical connection to feel alive as a women and to have confidence that she can survive as single and still be sexy. Although as a male friend, I am troubled by this, I understand it and read a widow bereavement book to understand it.

Now here is my anxiety dilemma. I knew this would be a tough year, but I am at the point were the total emotional attachment of my wife to her friend is tearing us and me apart. I am usually pretty confident to let my wife have her space and support her and she usually shows her affection and love back when ready. Over the last 2 months she has gone cold to me. So then I understand that between this emotional time and taking care of the kids that her "account is full" so I work to provide more help to her and the kids at home. Usually somehting that works for us too, but not the last 2 months. She seemed to be pushing me away and acting cold to me more. Friends even mentioned it to me so it was not just in my head. So went back to my old ways of displaying attention and affection, buy flowers just because she needed a lift, buy a gift to give to her, write her a love note. None of that engaged much affection back although she did register my concern for her and us. Finally I could not be subtle anymore and I got her to listen to me on how I feel about what was going on. I had to stand up for me (as some male friends felt I was being taken advantage of by her). I directly engage a conversation on why the lack of affection and even physical attention or response. Her inital answer was about being emotionally exhausted about her friend, all her other girl friends, and then the kids on a daily basis. She has not desire for physical attention. OK makes sense, I justed wanted her to tell me. But in that conversation, she tells me that she has no physical attraction to me right now. Our relationship is more like sister and brother. She says this happens in relationships this long and its can be normal. Is it?

We have never had a hyper sexual relationship overall, but when we do have romantic time alone or close sharing. We both usually respond. I know that since I am 41 and she is 38 that I need to improve some things to help us with our sexual relationship, but now she seems to act is if it is too late. On one hand, I have always been gentle on this subject and let her work it out and be willing to do what it takes to help us. But she does not seem interested at all. Then I am confused to hear talk or email to her friends about being sexual attracted to people she sees and dreaming about it. Now since her single friend has had a one-night stand when visiting to us, my wife has joked that maybe she should go see this same guy. When her friend's joking request for a future trip was for a tall dark and handsome singe straight man, my wife's reply was I will take what she is having. I have also found while using her cell phone, a picture of a sexy man that was obviously at the same hotel her and her girls visited this January. I have heard comments on she looks at the picture to dream about being with that guy. Part of my frank conversation with her was is she having or planning on having an affair. I never thought in my life that I would ever have to ask that of my wife, but that is the state of myself recently.

In our relationship she says it has plateaued and that even though getting married at 26 years old is not necessarily really young, she often wonders what she has missed out on. I have read about how women can resent their husbands and loose physical interest for may reasons. Especially when she can review her life an be in a state of low self-worth on just being a mother so naturally the resentment is towards the husband. But as hard as I try to bring us back together, the more she pushes back that all she needs his her girls. I have planned date nights, help around the house and with the kids at home, as she has been exercising - I tell how good she looks. She buys attractive and sexier clothes and I tell her she looks beautiful. Unresponsive even sometimes with a thank you or smile.

Any advice or evalution of the situation? Usually I am ver comfortable about giving her space and riding it out, but her acts and her comments lately do no make me feel comfortable to ride it out and give her space. I read books and talk to friends and apply the suggestions and it all seems to be counterproductive.