Quote From: gsanboI have said to her that I am having a mid-life crisis and looking for self-worth but I know I need to do it myself and not depend solely on her. I need my own help (physcially and therapy) and my own friends to help me. I also told her that I know that physical attention is an easy out and therefore it can be even less attractive to her. I get that...But I was hoping for her to respond in a similar way. She said maybe she will feel that way at my age but now she does not. She is saying this is normal and maybe we will get through it, but her behavior to me seems absolute. Her answers for not having an affair or planning one were all logical but none emotional. she has left all her emotions at the door. they all are absorbed by her friends. I get it, but how long do I wait it out. I see a therapist for me this week. I hope he will advise me. I asked her about seeing one herself first. She said yet again she has her friends (although she has seen one in her past prior to us meeting). Her sister and husband have openly talked about seeing a marriage therpaist in the past and the other night. I truly believe that her sister wants to help me and us based on her comments to me and in front of both of us, but again no foward response from my wife on the subject. She is known to be someone who analyzes situations and feelings for a long time then adjusts, but I think life has become to complicated now for her to do it this way. Since her friends are all the same age and feeling basically the same way, I do not think she gets that it is not helping us or herself in a relationship with me.
One last thing, as I read relationship books about this and books about helping sexual relationships. The symptoms she is portraying are more aligned to male responses. Maybe more evidence that she is also going through a mid-life crisis.
It's good you are seeing a therapist. I hope he can help you sort out your feelings and help you make healthy decisions about your future. I wish your wife would do the same. Friends are good but we all know talking to friends isn't the same as therapy. Friends can be biased.
If I were in your shoes and my husband wouldn't get help for our marriage, I would probably tell him I am unhappy and I will not continue in a marriage that is unfulfilling to either of our needs. Things need to either change or we need to seriously think about whether or not we should stay in this marriage.
Another thing if you attend church talk to your pastor. The night I told my husband of my affair and that I didn't feel that I loved him any longer and wanted to end our marriage, I left the house in an emotional wreck, when I returned my pastor and his wife were sitting on my couch. I know at the time I wanted to kill my husband, but that was the best move he ever did. We laugh about it now, we call it my intervention. I'm deeply rooted in my faith. I knew what I was doing was so wrong. My pastor told me that sometimes we need to ignore the feelings in our heart and do what we know is right and just trust God with it. He was so right. I ended my affair and started attending marriage counseling with my husband. It was hard, because I truly thought I was in love with this other person and I didn't think I could ever recapture my love for my husband, but my pastor was right in time God did change my heart.
I just hope your wife does make the right choice, but I think you are taking positive steps for yourself, and after all that is really the only thing you have control over, Best of luck to you!
