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Replies to 'The Meaning of "Family"'
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August 26, 2008, 10:49 am PDT
 Quote From: mewjag The only issue I see here that really matters is your children. Their safety and a healthy environment for them to be in. You say the incident with the drinking and driving around with the kids has happened before, if I read correctly. Frankly I can't imagine why you ever took them back to her. I wouldn't have.
Your sister has a problem. You know that and it seems all of your family realizes this. But you have to accept that you are not going to change her. No one in your family can no matter how many of you get together and try to do so. People only change if they choose to change. She is the only person who can change her. From your post she sounds like she doesn't acknowledge she has an issue. You say that these blowups have happened repeatedly and that she feels she does nothing wrong.
Her mind is set. She doesn't have a problem. A person who doesn't think they have a problem has no reason to change in their mind. I know you would like for your family to a peaceful safe haven of love and happiness and peace. I think if you are honest with yourself you will realize probably what your other family members have already realized, she isn't going to change. Perhaps this is why they say nothing to stop her though they don't like it either.
We have toxic members in my family also. I suppose that all families do of one sort or another. In my opinion you have to choose to love the good parts of the person, forgive the parts that are hurtful to you (her need to be irresponsible and confrontational), and be smart enough to know one from the other. Train yourself to walk away and not feed her need to be confrontational. A person can only be confrontational if they have a willing audience and participant.
Walking away leaves her with no one to argue with. As long as you (or anyone) enables her to carry on, she will continue the behavior. When it gets to be stressful quietly say "I simply do not agree with you", and walk away closing your part of the discussion. This way you have not wasted time shooting down her opinion, she is entitled to it no matter how idiotic you think it is, and you have not contributed to her need to be aggressive. By controlling you, you control whether she can affectively draw you into confrontation.
Your children should in my opinion be your number one concern. You are right to not leave them in her care again. She isn't mature enough to care for children. If she is drinking and driving she isn't mature enough to care for herself obviously. Not to mention that she is a menace to society and it is illegal.
Main thing is the energy you are spending stressing over her behavior. The only behavior you can control is yours. You are spending energy that would be better spent on something positive in your life. That means limiting the time you spend in the company of people who create this kind of stressful environment. You cannot spend your life worrying about how she must get her life together. And you can't make her worry about her life either. Again she has to admit there is an issue....you can't make her admit that. Try not to see it as abandonment. I really think your family just already realizes that she isn't going to change. They are waiting for you to catch up to them. =)
Take care of you, Ami
Thanks. It has also really put a strain on my relationship with my husband. He has made the decision that the kids are to not be in her car at all until he feels comfortable with her and the decisions she makes. There has been no apology and everyone has just brushed it under the rug. He is constantly stressed and really wants nothing to with the family if she is going to be around, because it always ends up people questioning our decision(even though they agree) and us looking like very bad people. He doesn't have the patience like I do and somehow he will be the target should anything go wrong. It is my family so I want to be there, but also don't want to deal with the stress that is always associated with it. She also allowed our 7 year old daughter to sit in the front seat after we said that she was not allowed, she wanted to leave her at home while she ran with our oldest to the store, so now we do not trust that she will abide by the rules we have set for them. When my oldest told her that we do not allowed that, she told her that when they are with her, they abide by her rules which I find so wrong. This all happened the following day after the drinking and driving with the children and I think she did it to spite us, because she was angry. So now we(husband is very solid on this issue) have decided that if that is the way she is going to be, then we will take control of our children and not allow them to go places with her. I know it is going to cause a huge uproar amongst the family and we are going to look like very mean, unfair people. For the past 4 months, I have not been in to see my family because I know what will happen when the issue comes up and it is very stressful. I don't want another huge blow-up in front of the children and I know if it gets tense, my husband is going to lose it. We both are very tired of having to go through this and feel this way about the situation. Everyone else just accepts it and hides from it. |
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September 24, 2008, 11:45 am PDT
Quote From: mewjag The only issue I see here that really matters is your children. Their safety and a healthy environment for them to be in. You say the incident with the drinking and driving around with the kids has happened before, if I read correctly. Frankly I can't imagine why you ever took them back to her. I wouldn't have.
Your sister has a problem. You know that and it seems all of your family realizes this. But you have to accept that you are not going to change her. No one in your family can no matter how many of you get together and try to do so. People only change if they choose to change. She is the only person who can change her. From your post she sounds like she doesn't acknowledge she has an issue. You say that these blowups have happened repeatedly and that she feels she does nothing wrong.
Her mind is set. She doesn't have a problem. A person who doesn't think they have a problem has no reason to change in their mind. I know you would like for your family to a peaceful safe haven of love and happiness and peace. I think if you are honest with yourself you will realize probably what your other family members have already realized, she isn't going to change. Perhaps this is why they say nothing to stop her though they don't like it either.
We have toxic members in my family also. I suppose that all families do of one sort or another. In my opinion you have to choose to love the good parts of the person, forgive the parts that are hurtful to you (her need to be irresponsible and confrontational), and be smart enough to know one from the other. Train yourself to walk away and not feed her need to be confrontational. A person can only be confrontational if they have a willing audience and participant.
Walking away leaves her with no one to argue with. As long as you (or anyone) enables her to carry on, she will continue the behavior. When it gets to be stressful quietly say "I simply do not agree with you", and walk away closing your part of the discussion. This way you have not wasted time shooting down her opinion, she is entitled to it no matter how idiotic you think it is, and you have not contributed to her need to be aggressive. By controlling you, you control whether she can affectively draw you into confrontation.
Your children should in my opinion be your number one concern. You are right to not leave them in her care again. She isn't mature enough to care for children. If she is drinking and driving she isn't mature enough to care for herself obviously. Not to mention that she is a menace to society and it is illegal.
Main thing is the energy you are spending stressing over her behavior. The only behavior you can control is yours. You are spending energy that would be better spent on something positive in your life. That means limiting the time you spend in the company of people who create this kind of stressful environment. You cannot spend your life worrying about how she must get her life together. And you can't make her worry about her life either. Again she has to admit there is an issue....you can't make her admit that. Try not to see it as abandonment. I really think your family just already realizes that she isn't going to change. They are waiting for you to catch up to them. =)
Take care of you, Ami
i lived in with an alcoholic birthparent, what u did was right for standing up to her and helping the kids, at least they know there is someone out there to help protect them, people that drink get along with people that drink, if you don't drink then u will always be an outsider and think about it do you want to be like them and have people talk about u behind your back cause that is what is going on. Igrew up in the situation not good....... |
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