Replies to 'Cheated On'
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August 26, 2008, 10:06 am PDT
 Quote From: mommymayhem I have been struggling with how to deal with this on my own for a while. I'm hoping that I can get some good advice from the good folks on this board. It's kind of a long story- but I'll try to give you the gist.
Last August, my husband told me that an ex-girlfriend of his had applied for a job at his work, and asked me how I felt about it. Naturally- I didn't like it. But, through his assurance, the fact that they were in college when they dated (we're 37), and me not wanting to stand in the way of anyone's professional goals- I said, "What can I say?" She got the job- and I felt uneasy...but reiterated to my husband that my only request was to treat her in the manner he would want me to treat my ex, if the roles were reversed.
At first- I noticed that he had become somewhat withdrawn from me. He became a workaholic. I found some texts/e-mails between him/her that were something like- "You are the best".....the other would reply, "No- truly you are the best." I found out they went on lunches together.....not alone (so he says) but in a group of 4 or 5 people. She of course, was in his car. He put her as a sub on his volleyball roster (without my knowledge...but they are both avid volleyball players), yet never told me until I found out. Each time I would find something out- he would say that I was being ridiculous and that he doesn't have feelings for her- that is how he treats every other co-worker in the office. This went on for a few months- and I became very distracted from that situation because my father (who was only 55 years old) died suddenly during his battle with Multiple Sclerosis. That was at the end of January. I am an only child and really struggled getting through and past that horrible time for me and my children who were close to him. In March- I found a very inappropriate e-mail between my husband and his ex on how they could "repay" each other a favor. My husband's last comment was, "Oh I'll come up with a repayment plan for you". He tried to explain that he was multi-tasking when he sent it and that taken out of context can look bad, and that he has zero feelings for his girl, and bottom line it meant nothing and she means nothing to him and that he just typed. Nothing more than that.
I'm really struggling to believe all of this....they still work together. It is a close work environment..... I liken the place to a frat house.
Am I being ridiculous to feel sick every day he walks out the door? Should I believe that nothing has gone on? I honestly am so emotionally numb over the course of the past year, I can't even thing straight.
Thank you all in advance for suggestions/comments that might help me through. What you are doing is deluding yourself, and it just doesn't work does it? No matter how hard you try, the feelings that something are just not right keep rearing their ugly heads. The reason why is that it's happening whether you are facing it or deluding yourself. Reality is reality.
I'm so very sorry to have to say these things to you. I know about delusion first hand, the sooner you clean the screen with which you view your life the better off you will be. You see, it hurts whether you face it or not, so you might as well acknowledge the truth and get down to doing something about it.
Go back to when your husband told you that his ex college girlfriend was trying to get a job at the place he worked at. You felt uncomfortable at that time. Yes, it's true that neither you nor your husband can control the actions of another. There is nothing either of you could do to change where this woman applies for a job, UNLESS your husband is the one doing the hiring. Was he?
Examine exactly what is was the made you feel uncomfortable about this woman working with your husband. Was it something about their past relationship? Or was it something in his attitude when he broke the news to you? How was your relationship at that time? Have there ever been any other incidents in your marriage when you questioned his actions?
Your emotional numbness is due to your delusions. You KNOW what is going on, and since you delude yourself, your emotional life diminishes. Stop it. I'm so sorry that your father died, this is a very stressful time for you. Seek out the company of those that care for you and can support you. You don't have to suffer alone. Be aware of seeking out those that would use your vulnerable state for their own selfish fulfilment however. The way you are feeling could lead to behavior born of vengeance and a need to hurt in return. This will only complicate matters, so be careful. Consider getting a professional on your side by getting some counseling. It can be a great relief to divulge in somebody trained to handle emotional crisis. Come back and let us know how you're doing. |
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