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August 27, 2008, 1:31 pm PDT
Dear “blacksheep58”
Quote From: blacksheep58 My father passed away in January from cancer. I thought for some reason this would bring me, my sister and my mom closer, well just the opposite has happened. I have allway's been the outcast(or black sheep) of the family. My older sister has allway's been the "one" she has the looks and the brains and my parents have given her everything. I have been given a lot as well but she was given more. She got the brand new car after high school, she went away to college she had her entire wedding paid for ect... I got a 1978 car in high school( i went to high school in the 90's) i was told i would not be allowed to go away to school becasue as my mom put it" i am not wasting my money so you can go party" then a week later my father told me "we don't have the money to buy you a car or send you to school" so wich is it? you can't afford it or you won't afford it? I know why, it's because they were using all the money on my sister and there was none left for me. When my father was diagnosed with cancer my wife and i decided that i would leave my job to help my mom take care of my dad. So i put my family on the back burner. I have a 2yr. old son and a 10 year old daughter. I did whatever was asked of me for my dad. I cut his grass took him to dr's appt. to the store ect... i did whatever he asked and never once complained about it! My sister on the other hand did nothing! even telling my mom she would not help her and to "not count on me to help you, i am too busy" I will cut this short, my mother pay's no attention to my son! none zero! never ask's how he is or bring him to see me, nothing! but my sister's kids are her pride and joy and she goes above and beyond to see and help them! there is so much more to this but i don't have enough time to tell it all. I just wanted to share a part of my story on being the black sheep I know that it is very painful to feel as though you are not “good enough” in the eyes of your parents; it is also painful to see your parents ignore your precious children. However, you have a decision to make; either continue playing this role as the ‘black sheep’ of the family, or, break free of this label once and for all.
Your parents will not change, your sister won’t change- there is nothing that you can say or do that will make any of them change. The only person that you have any control over to create change is YOU, so that is where you begin. Its time to put your time and energy into yourself and your family; that means your wife and children. They need you. Don’t wait and wonder if your mother is going to show any attention/affection to your children; you already know in your heart that she isn’t going to. When you accept this sad fact as a simple part of life, you can begin to live your life differently. This is just how it is. You have helped them (your parents) out a lot, you’ve tried to gain their love and acceptance; but it is never enough in their eyes. You haven’t received the recognition that you so badly want and deserve, and you aren’t going to get that from them. No more trying to get them to change; instead, you and your wife need to begin new family traditions with your children. Make a vow/pact together to never treat your children differently; be sure that there is equality in your home. Doing this, making a difference for your children, will help to heal your heart and mind. Knowing that you are doing what is right and best is good for the soul. Your mother will never apologize; I’m sure that she probably doesn’t even think she’s done anything wrong. Even though that hurts, my advice to you is to show her forgiveness, at least in your heart, because that will also help you to heal. It isn’t easy, but it is a heck of a lot easier then carrying around a ton of bad feelings about the way you were treated/raised. I wish you the best.
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