Message Boards
Replies to '08/29 Internet Dramas'
|
August 31, 2008, 4:17 pm PDT
 Quote From: vhamilton You obviously saw firsthand the negative impact the internet has today. Although I strongly feel that your husband was wrong in so many ways, you should have left him a long time before you did. You would have survived years of torture. Your ex-husband is no longer emotionally, socially, or financially available to you or your children. My ex was physically abusive and since my children were very young, I have been providing for them in every way single-handedly. Your children will survive without their father. I think you just need to move on. Don't see if he is still posting online and is up to the same games; he will be. You're right that he probally works nights to give in to his sex addiction. You need to distance your children from their father. He is not there for him and will cause them harm through his neglect - just like the father on the show. But you should do it in a way that lets them know that they are worthy of attention and it is not their fault. Explain their father has a disease that keeps him from being the father he needs to be. Don't tell your kids, "He cares more about the internet, than you" because that will just cause low self-esteem. I am very sensitive to preserving the self esteem of my children, and making sure it is grounded in their authentic selves and true abilities. In day to day life it feels like over the years my ex husband is more and more of a ghost. He has his own issues and I never want them to be placed on my children as their issues. He has been caught trying to make the kids feel emotionally responsible for him, and does not get the concept that they deserve to have their own childhoods.
My new husband is very involved in the kids lives and we are questioning if we should go ahead and do a step parent adoption. I never wanted my children to feel like I ever rushed out of the marriage to their father, nor that I rushed into their stepfather adopting them.
We have now been married for close to 4 years, have a 2 year old, and another one on the way. Our marriage is stable and he has none of the addictive issues that my ex husband had. We spend most of our time together and work very well together in business. He is a very dedicated father who is also committed to doing well in his business life with an extraordinary degree of ethics well recognized by colleagues. I am very proud of him and he is the person I want my children to follow in the footsteps of.
I hope that such an adoption would be to my children that their stepfather chose to be their Dad. They have started complaining about that it makes them feel weird when they go places like to Tae Kwon Do tournaments or school and that he has a different last name. It really bothers my son that his little brother has a different last name. All the time other parents comment that they are surprised to learn that my husband is the stepfather because he takes so much care with all of the kids. When my brother-in-law passed away we inherited a beautiful hand carved wooden sign (circa 1900) with my husband's family name from the business once owned and it made my son very upset to see it hung on the wall because it was not part of him. He says that he wants to be a _______ too.
I know that adoption will not erase the issues with their biofather, but I believe that it will make them feel more grounded as a part of the family they live in. I think that they will be more emotionally equipped to deal with their bio-father's mental illness when they are adults.
I don't think you can ever entirely erase the past, but I think that we just need to take more steps to bury it a little deeper and rejoice in how far we have come as a family.
|
|
Return to the Message Board
