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September 8, 2008, 12:17 pm PDT
communicate
Quote From: todizzeytostopWe only get one shot at this parenting gig and I am very aware of this! I have always tried to look at any situation first and then act if necessary. I married my second husband and before doing so I slowly introduced him to my then preschool children. Eventually we would spend whole weekends togeather and have 'family time'. We decided to move in togeather and marry. Before doing so I explained to my partner that he was taking on a whole package and all though painful for him I had to explain to him that although I love him completely, my children rely on me as their security and because of this I would have to always have their well being (emotional and physical) as my top priority. As you can imagine this was hard for him to hear and did not go down well; it was difficult for him to understand as he had no children of his own and to him I was his number 1. Ever since we moved our life to be with him he has not put in the same effort as he had when we were a 'weekend family'. He is a good man and very loyal but he has not opened his heart to my kids and can be quit cold and harsh; he keeps an emotional distance that has caused my kids pain, I know this as they talk to me about it on many occasions. We now have our own child and he is a very devoted Dad. But there remains this huge distance between the older two and him. I feel stuck and disapointed. Family counselling is not an option as he says we can figure it out ourselves, but how can we if he wont open up and talk to me, admit any part in this or even want my kids around? I ask him if he loves them or even likes them, he says yes; I just don't know? Part of the reason I left my first husband was because the relationship was volatile and abusive, I did not want my girls to think that is what they could expect. We are generally a 'good' family with one huge fault, we lack the closeness and bond of a STRONG family. Like I said we only get one shot at this important job and I feel like I am failing my kids because I can't figure out how to make this better. You are taking on and living with a large amount of guilt over something you have no power over. As you said, you left your first husband because of abuse; you didn’t want your children to grow up believing that it was ‘normal’ to live that way. However, now you are living with a different, but equally damaging, type of abuse; emotional abuse.
Your husband says that you can ‘figure it out yourselves’ but is he actively doing anything?
My advice is for you to approach your husband and tell him to want to discuss this issue because your family means so much to you. Use what is called the ‘validation’ method. An example of this method would sound like this, ‘honey, I love you so much, and I appreciate all that you do for our family. It is important to me that we work together to raise a close, loving family; do you have any ideas on how you can become more close with child #1 & #2?’ When using this method, you are disarming his (possible) negative response by complementing him right away, making it more likely that you will get results. Before bringing it up, think of activities that you all could do together, things to suggest to him. Maybe he won’t open up and talk about it right away, but if he participates in family activities, that is a positive step in the right direction. If you feel that it is the right time/place, go on with the discussion- assure him that you don’t want to argue- you want to talk about this and come to a solution or resolution together, to create the family that you know you can. I wish you the best!
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