Replies to 'Getting Along With Your In-Laws'
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September 9, 2008, 4:25 pm PDT
 Quote From: dhanki I'm going to make this as Short as possible because its almost a year long story.
my boyfriend an i have a 6 month old little girl and i have a 6 year old from a previous marriage. last September, when i was 2 months pregnant my boyfriend and i got in a fight and he went out with a friend. he didn't come home.
at this point his mother and my relationship was OK. she wasn't impressed that i was pregnant but had no problem borrowing money from me, asking me to bring milk for her young twin daughters at midnight and whatever else she needed.
i was worried that my boyfriend didn't come home at first thinking that something had happened to him. he wouldn't answer my text messages or calls in it was 5am. by about 730 i didn't know what to do so i sent his mother a message asking if she had heard from him or if she could help me find him.
we finally tracked him down and he told me he didn't come home because he was mad at me and before he did he was going to his mothers because she was worried about him. i just want to add that this women has never been very nice to him and at the family gatherings i used to go to, she would spend the time making fun of him. when he was 16 he was on house arrest. she kicked him out the day it before it ended then called the police on him. shes his mother though and he loves her.
i told him to go to his mothers and have a coffee then he needed to come home because we needed to talk. i was so upset and had been crying for about 6 hours and i was 2 months pregnant so i was also angry he would put that kind of stress on me intentionally.
two hours later i finally called his phone and i could here his mother in the background telling him to "leave the bitch". when he hung up on me i sent his mother a message just letting her know that i loved her son and she needs to remember that her grandchild is now involved and she should want her to come from a broken home, because i wasn't OK with that. she then replied with "the best thing that could possibly happen is if you were to loose the baby". i was angry and said "problem solved, to you she mine as well be dead because you will never be around her".
Fast forward to march of this year. i spent a few lonely holidays by myself because i wasn't allowed there for dinner and that was perfectly OK with me. i also spent alot of sleepless nights fighting about my lack of relationship with my boyfriends mother because i wasn't willing to apologize. i don't think i needed to. a week before my scheduled c-section, i sucked it up and said that i wouldn't make a scene if she wanted to come to the hospital to see the baby. she did, and we were civil. i then told my boyfriend that i was willing to have his mother involved in our daughters life however in order for me to be comfortable with it, i needed to be there for the first little bit. i mean, she said my daughter would be better off dead. you cant expect me to want to hand her my daughter and not be there to keep an eye out.
a week or so after we brought my daughter home from the hospital, she wanted my boyfriend to bring the baby by. i said no problem, lets go. he called her to tell her we were all on our way and she told him to forget it. i was not allowed in her house or near her daughters. i explained to my boyfriend that thats her decision but I'm our baby's mother and i do not feel comfortable her being there without me there to keep an eye out. i just cant hand my daughter over to someone who hates me so much.
six months later and its still the same. she stopped asking to see the baby because she knows the answer. sure, as long as I'm there. by this time i feel Ive made the right decision. this women hates me so much she cant even be in the same room with me just to see her grandchild. its causing major issues between my boyfriend and i and he thinks i should just suck it up and deal with it and let him take our daughter to his mothers without me. Ive tried to tell him that if she cant get past this and be in the same room with me for her son and granddaughter sake, one day our baby will crawl up on her daddy's lap before they leave for thanksgiving dinner at grandmas and shes gonna ask, "daddy, why cant mommy come?" I'm trying to avoid that question ever being asked. if i give in and hand my child over to someone who hates me that much, shes never going to get over it and be able to be in the same room as me and i will spend alot of holidays watching my child walk out the door with her daddy going to someones house who hates me. i guess my question is, is this a battle over who can be more stubborn or am i doing the right thing. i sick of fighting about this. please any suggestions would be great. I agree w/ you. My MIL hasn't even said anything that severe, and I would not want my husband to take our children to her house without me. Luckily, he has never asked to, nor would he. He would not let his mother split our family up like that. (And I also would not go somewhere where my husband was not welcome.) It's unfortunate your boyfriend doesn't see it that way. That makes it all the more difficult on you. My best advice is put it out of your mind as best as possible. I know it's sooo stressful and it's hard to have such problems w/ family when you just want to get along. And I also know it often leaves you questioning your own perceptions, because the kids of mothers like this make soooo many excuses for their mistreatment. They're used to it, they had to live w/ it growing up and had to find a way to cope. As Dr. Phil says, past behavior is best predictor of future behavior. Unless you've cursed your MIL out on a past visit & that's why you're no longer welcome there...then I find it odd she would stalemate on this, to me that's a BIG red flag....she wants nothing to do with her grandchild if you're involved in any way??? Yes, that sounds as odd to me as it does to you.
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September 10, 2008, 10:30 am PDT
Quote From: dhanki I'm going to make this as Short as possible because its almost a year long story.
my boyfriend an i have a 6 month old little girl and i have a 6 year old from a previous marriage. last September, when i was 2 months pregnant my boyfriend and i got in a fight and he went out with a friend. he didn't come home.
at this point his mother and my relationship was OK. she wasn't impressed that i was pregnant but had no problem borrowing money from me, asking me to bring milk for her young twin daughters at midnight and whatever else she needed.
i was worried that my boyfriend didn't come home at first thinking that something had happened to him. he wouldn't answer my text messages or calls in it was 5am. by about 730 i didn't know what to do so i sent his mother a message asking if she had heard from him or if she could help me find him.
we finally tracked him down and he told me he didn't come home because he was mad at me and before he did he was going to his mothers because she was worried about him. i just want to add that this women has never been very nice to him and at the family gatherings i used to go to, she would spend the time making fun of him. when he was 16 he was on house arrest. she kicked him out the day it before it ended then called the police on him. shes his mother though and he loves her.
i told him to go to his mothers and have a coffee then he needed to come home because we needed to talk. i was so upset and had been crying for about 6 hours and i was 2 months pregnant so i was also angry he would put that kind of stress on me intentionally.
two hours later i finally called his phone and i could here his mother in the background telling him to "leave the bitch". when he hung up on me i sent his mother a message just letting her know that i loved her son and she needs to remember that her grandchild is now involved and she should want her to come from a broken home, because i wasn't OK with that. she then replied with "the best thing that could possibly happen is if you were to loose the baby". i was angry and said "problem solved, to you she mine as well be dead because you will never be around her".
Fast forward to march of this year. i spent a few lonely holidays by myself because i wasn't allowed there for dinner and that was perfectly OK with me. i also spent alot of sleepless nights fighting about my lack of relationship with my boyfriends mother because i wasn't willing to apologize. i don't think i needed to. a week before my scheduled c-section, i sucked it up and said that i wouldn't make a scene if she wanted to come to the hospital to see the baby. she did, and we were civil. i then told my boyfriend that i was willing to have his mother involved in our daughters life however in order for me to be comfortable with it, i needed to be there for the first little bit. i mean, she said my daughter would be better off dead. you cant expect me to want to hand her my daughter and not be there to keep an eye out.
a week or so after we brought my daughter home from the hospital, she wanted my boyfriend to bring the baby by. i said no problem, lets go. he called her to tell her we were all on our way and she told him to forget it. i was not allowed in her house or near her daughters. i explained to my boyfriend that thats her decision but I'm our baby's mother and i do not feel comfortable her being there without me there to keep an eye out. i just cant hand my daughter over to someone who hates me so much.
six months later and its still the same. she stopped asking to see the baby because she knows the answer. sure, as long as I'm there. by this time i feel Ive made the right decision. this women hates me so much she cant even be in the same room with me just to see her grandchild. its causing major issues between my boyfriend and i and he thinks i should just suck it up and deal with it and let him take our daughter to his mothers without me. Ive tried to tell him that if she cant get past this and be in the same room with me for her son and granddaughter sake, one day our baby will crawl up on her daddy's lap before they leave for thanksgiving dinner at grandmas and shes gonna ask, "daddy, why cant mommy come?" I'm trying to avoid that question ever being asked. if i give in and hand my child over to someone who hates me that much, shes never going to get over it and be able to be in the same room as me and i will spend alot of holidays watching my child walk out the door with her daddy going to someones house who hates me. i guess my question is, is this a battle over who can be more stubborn or am i doing the right thing. i sick of fighting about this. please any suggestions would be great. No, isn’t a battle over who can be more stubborn. That has become a symptom of a much bigger problem. The bigger problem, as you know, is that his mother wants full control over her boy, and she resents that now, with you in the picture, she doesn’t have that. So, she is trying to punish you. In the process, she is being emotionally abusive to her son by even putting him in this position. When you allowed her to come to the hospital & see the baby, that should have been where the truce happened. Instead, she is holding onto her anger/hatred towards you. I know why she is holding onto it; because it is comfortable for her. She is so insecure of herself and so unreasonably jealous that her son has ‘another woman’ besides her in his life, that she would probably cut off her own nose right now just to spite her face. She enjoys holding a grudge; that is her comfort zone- having anger, hatred, negativity and dysfunction- those are all comfortable emotions for her. Meanwhile, you and I would be more comfortable with forgiveness, kindness, and at the least, the common respect that you would extend to a stranger. Because your boyfriend was raised by this woman, he is used to her emotional/psychological games, and this has become the family’s “normal” to him. He wants YOU to change, he wants YOU to accept his mother, because that is what he did way back when he was just a child, when he was probably dependant upon her for a lot, and he learned quickly that to keep the peace with mom, you allow her to be spiteful and mean, then you forgive her and move on. Please know that you are doing the right thing. I know that you feel torn, but you are not being unreasonable at all. Your boyfriend is being unreasonable for spending holidays with her instead of you; choosing his momma over his girlfriend and his child. He should be standing up to her; he should be asserting himself as a full grown man now; not her child who can be manipulated by her. It doesn’t mean he has to cut her out of his life; he can still have a relationship with her- but he can be doing it in a way that is healthier to himself, and to his new family. You said that you are sick of fighting over this; do you mean that you fight about this with your boyfriend? My advice to you is to make a decision and then, stick to the decision; you have a couple of choices: 1) ‘suck it up’ and go be his mother’s puppet, or 2) tell your boyfriend that you understand this is his mother, but that you deserve more respect then she extends to you; that you want to have a long, happy and healthy relationship with him, to raise your precious baby in a happy, positive household together, and that you will have to simply agree to disagree in regards to his mother. Let him know that from this day forward, you don’t want to argue about the issue of his mother anymore, that your goal in life is to lead a healthy life, to provide a stable home with him for your child, and that you can accept him visiting his mom, etc., but that you can’t take her into your heart until you feel she will reciprocate a healthy relationship with you & your child. Then, put it behind you. Only say that if you mean it- if you say that you won’t argue about her any longer, then you’ve got to be prepared to really mean it. You might find that it is actually quite liberating; in fact, I hope that you do! I wish you the very best. |
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