Replies to 'Bulimia'

. . . although I admit I do think that about myself.  I meant "bad" as in the severity of the bulimia.  I meant that I'd never really met someone who'd been in my shoes and had recovered all the way.  I discussed this topic once with an eating disorders support group I attended for awhile.  We just couldn't think of anyone.  The conversation went something like this:

"You know, it would be nice to hear a story from someone who's really recovered and who's not constantly struggling [with urges to restrict/purge, etc.."

"Yeah . . ."

"Yeah . . ."

lots of sad stares into nowhere

I know it's pretty infeasible for someone not to struggle ever, but the key here is that they don't struggle constantly.  I just haven't met anyone.

As to spirituality . . . I do think that's key . . . I hate broad generalities, so instead of "higher power," I'm going to say God . . .

I believe in God; I'm a Christian.  I know that God's at the beginning, and He's at the end - the rest is all just filler, including this physical existence.  I really think I just don't know what to make of the physical existence.  I'm constantly having to remind myself that I exist.  I guess I'm confused about a lot of stuff.  Don't get me wrong - I know the basics backwards and forwards, and then some.  I have a degree in Bible, and I've never doubted the truth of Jesus Christ.  I'm one of those people who wants to know everything, though, and that can hold me back.  Aargh.  I don't know if I'm making sense at all.  I get so disconnected sometimes.  People confuse me.

I guess it's people that give me trouble, not God.  People are fickle and flighty and say things they don't mean - like "call anytime," then they act annoyed when you do.  I'm terribly oversensitive, so I try to avoid people and the disappointments that come along with relationships, but -

- you just can't avoid people.  And you get lonely when you try.  Thus, the food issues.  People say, "God is enough," then expect you to be able to live as a hermit when God made people to crave affection.  Some more than others.  Yes, some of us are "weaker."  It's biblical.  I'll admit to being a "weaker sister," but where the church is supposed to lift up this weaker sister, it's kinda let me down.

Now, I'm not gonna let my disappointment in people cause me to give up on God.  I guess you could say I should be the strong one and build myself up so that I don't have this weakness.  I do try.  I just fail, over and over again.  I can't give up this one crutch, this blessed, cursed binge-and-purge.

And it's not about being beautiful.  I'm not entirely dissatisfied with my appearance.  Most of the time I forget that I have an appearance at all.  Like I said, I lose track of the physical.  I think it's about connection with what really matters - people - and a passion for creating (I'm an artist/songwriter).

So I have a weakness for loneliness and an extreme sensitivity to rejection.  Tell me, how can I make these disappear?  'Cause that's what would really help me more than anything else.

That, or a friend.  But I ask too much.

P.S. - Of course I act like everything's okay.  People will nail you to the wall if you don't.  They just love to confront, but they won't swallow an accusation in favor of compassion.