Replies to 'How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship'
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September 11, 2008, 9:28 am PDT
 Quote From: bmoreselfish Hi, Obviously after a 17yr marriage your not exactly looking to waste time ignoring your dislike of living with someone with a porn addiction ... just because you are boyfriend and girlfriend and its early days. Obviously eventually you will need to give yourself more, hopefully your not doing the same thing at 50 Your right, you knew what he was like from the beginning. You are VERY hell bent at wanting him to come your way and changing him despite what you have said: I see it as weakness, a total lack of self-control when it becomes an addiction. He is completely addicted! He was less than thrilled or willing to participateeither emotionally or financially, but he has come around. What makes you think that this is going to last long we haven't had sex (much less made love) in MONTHS! So he doesn't want to have sex with you. Maybe he doesn't want to do that when a woman is pregnant, because it doesn't turn him on. Who knows. Maybe he isn't attracted to you full stop. he initally wanted to break up. I feel sexy in my blooming body. I crave him sexually, I am ready andwilling at the drop of a hat to be with him...but he is turning to hiscomputer rather than me and my feelings are HURT! I want to be the onehe desires. I want to be kissed and held and petted! I feel totallyleft out. I don't know how or where to draw the line. Is this a dealbreaker? Again, why are you trying to change him. You tried to live out this blissful period with your boyfriend, but have been rejected. This period of time where you are beautifully pregnant isn't going to last long. Why are you waiting for him?. Use protection and give yourself the chance to be a desirable woman again, with someone that desires you, and who you also desire. Once he saw that I was trying not to blame and condem, he said he lovedme but that I knew it and accepted it, how can I now be hypocritcal? Now he sees that he can take advantage of you, without causing a scene in breaking up. He thinks you are tolerant of all of the above things you talked about. My advice is to accept the fact that he was like this in the beginning, and the two of you are still together. You need to take care of your feelings. You should string him along until you find someone that desires you and enjoys your company. He's doing the same to you. He's just satisfied with the outlet of it being porn. You would have to be pretty naive to think that he would pass up the opportunity to be f@#!ing someone else when the opportunity comes up. I'm not advocating you to break up with him, I just think you have to deal with it. Look after yourself. Feel good about yourself every way you can. Dont hold on to the fact that you are long term partners. People fall out of love all the time. You didnt really know what you were getting into in the beginning. Love yourself first. Well, you had me up to the point of suggesting I should string him along until someone else better comes along. No way. It will be a clean break for me, relationship speaking. I know that I will have to have a working, co-parenting relationship with the father of this child.
A couple of things to clarify about my initial post. This relationship has been going on for almost 4 years. 2 of which were long-distance. He and I do not co-habitate. We initally did, but I bought my own house and moved out shortly before I found out I was pregnant because I recognized his commitment phobia and broken promises. We have both hung in there trying to make it work since then, mostly because I am pregnant.
No, I really don't see this lasting much longer. In fact, I really just wish it would all stop. He says every few days that he needs space, he is tired of everything and that we should break up. I say "okay" and leave it at that. Up to this point I have felt some twisted obligation to be open to him calling and showing up at my doorstep every few days...never with an appology or acceptance of wrong doing...just his presence like nothing ever happend. Yeah...I know...I get it. Clearly there are huge problems and the porn stuff is just a symptom.
Naive, yes...unfortunately. I really did live a very sheltered life somewhere in LA LA Land. This has been a really rude awakening.
Unattractive to him because I'm pregnant? No. Initially we had sex like bunnies. I don't know if you all know this out there because I was shocked when I found out...but there are thriving porn sites of pregnant women. Ask me how I know this....so, I have come to the very sad, somewhat humiliating conclusion that it's me he's not attracted to. He honestly prefers masterbation to live sex with a human being. Being a real life person with real life kids and real life flat tires, and grocery lists is to too much for him. I'm not being slanderous or hurtful. This is the reality and I get it.
I'm a good looking, sexy woman with a great, kind and loving personality (I just keep telling myself). There is someone out there for me who will accept and love my single mother family and me. I'm not going to sit around and waste precious brain space over this or him anymore. I have kids who need my full attention. I am greiving, this is like another divorce and I promised myself never to do that to my kids again, which is why I've been too accepting.
I think I just needed to see some other person's opinion in black and white to make it hit home. |
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