Quote From: daharh1963It's refreshing to see you did the right thing for yourself. You also did the right thing for him. Unfortunately, I have a close friend who went through a similar circumstance. She has her PhD, single mother of two children, saved to buy a nice home. Her husband? Worked part-time. Bought a new truck (using her credit), and she ended up driving his "so-so" car. He bought her a computer (using her credit without her permission), but then used the computer for himself, taking it with him when he left her. She took out a loan for their wedding and honeymoon - guess who's paying for that now? He told her she couldn't attend a Super Bowl Party because she "didn't know enough about football". Guess what? Pics have now surfaced of him at the party with another girl. NOW, after he finally left his wife (after cheating on her for most of their marriage), another woman has taken him in - he's living off her now! AMAZING!!
My rule?? Never date a man who has not been completely financially independent for at least 5 years and is actively employed. If he's not employed, he needs to be concentrating on finding full-time employment instead of getting into a relationship anyway.
<<My rule?? Never date a man who has not been completely financially independent for at least 5 years and is actively employed. >>
I married a guy who was working the whole time we were dating, and told me (and everyone else) that he had previously worked as a manager for a Fortune 500 company, a job he left to go to graduate school. It was confirmed to me that he had worked continuously while in grad school, with the sorts of low-effort jobs that most students have. He was in his last year of school when we got married. Even though I had a good job, he never asked to borrow money, never asked me to pay for anything, and said he had ample savings from that good-paying management job. I was impressed by his self-sufficiency.
Imagine my surprise when, soon after we got married, he broke a basic work rule, got fired, and then refused to get a new job because we were getting by just fine on my income, so he "didn't need to work". Clearly, he had been working for 5 years only because he hadn't lucked into girlfriends who could afford to support him 100%.
I had always earned extra money with my computer. Suddenly, that was no longer an option. By the time I finished cleaning up after dinner, he was ensconced in front of the computer "working on his thesis", and was always "on a roll" where he could not be interrupted so that I could do some paying work; sounded to me more like he was playing Space Invaders. He saw no reason why I couldn't buy myself a new computer so I could continue working at home, although the apartment was too small to put in another desk for another computer. But, at church, this was twisted around to put him in the light of the one who'd been taken advantage of -- I used to have my own business, and as soon as I married him, I stopped working at it so he'd have to drain his savings to pay my bills.
When I brought up his work history with his family, I found out that he had, in fact "worked for a Fortune 500 company" -- his family owned a franchise and put him on the payroll as an Assistant Manager with few actual duties, so that his mooching would be tax-deductible.
For the next few years, he was constantly enrolled in one or another career-training course that would have led to good-paying jobs, all of which he dropped out of just as he reached the point of employability in that field.
He finally came up with the notion that he wanted to become a teacher. I suggested that since he already had a college degree, he could get hired as a substitute, and take the certification classes that were conveniently scheduled after school got out, and then the classes would be tax-deductible because they were advancing him in a job he was already in. Instead, he made sure that everyone knew that I was "forcing him to stay in low-wage jobs" because I wouldn't pay for the teaching credential, and was horrified when some of them remembered that I had already paid for a lab tech course, paid for a paralegal course, paid for other courses.... They took my side, so he changed friends to people who didn't know that his wife wasn't as "selfish" as he said.
When I took away the credit cards so that he'd have to work if he wanted to spend money, he simply applied for more behind my back. I wouldn't find out about them till I got a call demanding payment. Somehow, no one in the credit office ever noticed that the two signatures on the Joint Account Application were in the same handwriting.
Being married to this mooch cost me over $100,000 -- money that I wish I'd put in my retirement fund instead.
Like all the other mooches, within a couple weeks of my tossing him out, he had found a new "mommy" to take care of him. He gave her the same line he gave me, that he was in this menial job while he was training for something better that called to him, and that he had ample savings from his prior management job. Imagine HER surprise when a few weeks later he started making excuses why he couldn't pay his share of the rent.
(Original Air Date: 02/15/06) Dr. Phil talks to women who are the family breadwinners and are sick of living with freeloaders. Sarah says she's tired of supporting the man in her life -- and she's not even married to him yet! Her fiancé, Dan, worked just four weeks last year -- and only because he was ordered to by the courts. Sarah constantly begs him to get a job, has kicked him out three times, and says that if she doesn't hide her purse, he'll steal her money! Should she walk down the aisle with a man who wanted her to buy her own engagement ring? Then, Tricia makes three times as much as her husband, Glenn. She also does all the housework, takes care of their daughter and manages the finances -- after working a 12- to 16-hour day. Will Glenn ever step up to the plate? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.
