Quote From: kimputingI too was looking for ways to handle the 'relationship' with my mother. I'm with the others here have said, "that could have been my family on the show today!" I first began my interest in this website because I was looking for answers to this type of family situation. My research on this site last year led me to believe that my mother is most certainly a passive-aggressive individual who will always argue - just to be right and in charge. It's been about a year now since I stopped reacting to her. I am so grateful that we do not live near each other as we're 8 hours by car. I used to call her once a week, now I call once a month and let her say what she wants and do my very best to answer any of her questions in a manner that won't anger her. The sadness of having a mother who is this type of person is so hard to live with. To survive my own emotions, I try to imagine that the mother I want is dead and the mother I actually have is a distant friend or relative. It helps me emotionally. Instead of dwelling on her and what could or should be, I dwell on how I can be the best mother I am capable of being to my own children. I can either be like my mother or learn from my mother. I choose the latter.
Our 'fights' have stopped because I have refused to let them start, as Dr. Phil suggested today. Yet, nothing else whatsoever has changed. She still lacks the self-motivation to acknowledge our birthdays on time, or sometimes even at all. She has 7 great-grandchildren. The oldest is 8 and not one of them has a memory of her because she does not send cards, call, visit, or in any other way, shape, or form, or acknowledge their existence for one pitiful excuse after another. Everything from: she can't afford it (yet she travels to visit her sisters), she's sick, she's working so hard, etc. etc. After reading about passive-aggressives, I can see that this type of behavior will never change unless something happens to her someday that causes her to acknowledge her true self.
Is there any sort of 'pattern', such as passive-aggressive mothers, that tends to run in families with the type of behavior we saw on this show? Even Dr. Phil wouldn't or couldn't decide who was at fault. If those families are fortunate, the counseling they will receive will reveal problematic personality issues, but where does that leave the audience? I think the main message was to disengage rather than fight, which is great and definitely helpful, but what next? Whoever really is at fault - their behavior still continues and both conversations and family events remain something to be tolerated, not something that's enjoyed.
My oldest granddaughter actually thought her great-grandmother was dead since she has no mmory of her. Not knowing what else to say, I told her that her my mother is very, very sick and that's why she doesn't hear from her. My mother is so accustomed to her self-pity and excuses, as if life is hard only to her and her sisters, that like one of the mothers on the show, she doesn't comprehend it when she is told that a friend or relative (other that her sisters) are very ill. Then she's shocked when they've died of cancer or some other serious thing has happened and gets all the colder towards us because she actually believes she hasn't been told or else she would have been more understanding or compasionate.
Unfortunately, I also have a daughter-in-law with the same personality type as my mother. Everyone zips their mouth shut because she'll blow her top and even threaten never to visit again. My mother told me last year that she'll never visit us again and as mentioned, already has never visited her grandchildren or great-grandchildren, of course not on purpose - she promises to someday... So how do we learn not only to not argue with these types of individuals, but also not to enable? Especially when the result seems to be that the other individuals tell you to accept them and their personalities the way they are or else they'll have nothing to do with you? They're family!
Is this when you DO say, oh well, on with my life and never mind them? What message does that send to the younger generations? Personally, I visit every other year and call once a month. My thinking is that the younger generations will see firsthand that there are all types of people on this earth and that we can't change them all and make them into caring individuals, but we can still love them, tolerate them, and move on with our lives. Any other ideas out there?
I agree with all of your thinking. However, teaching our children to have nothing to do with someone isn't a good lesson, either. I was going to cut things off completely, but ran into another situation. My children are all grown, but when I don't call my mom in a while, she suddenly gets a partial conscience and calls my youngest daughter on the phone. What she unloads on her is not worth repeating. Although my daughter knows me better, as on stage in this episode, it boils down to 'he said, she said', and raises doubt in my daughter's mind about my actions. My mother makes my daughter feel so sorry for her that she thinks I'm horrid if I'm not compassionate. So if I call every month and visit every couple of years, I am able to tell my family (when they ask), how their grandmother is doing and since I've finally reached a point that I can tolerate and 'handle' my mother, it's better that I maintain the contact that I do. Then she leaves the rest of my family alone.
Very few children are willing to fully believe that the 'offending' family member is truly so bad that there should be no contact. It would be fantastic if Dr. Phil did a show about how to address that issue with children. Children simply don't believe people are that evil, especially a close blood relative. I think they would handle it in a way similar to that of an adopted child and want to meet that relative when they get older to learn for themselves. Then they'll hear stories of that person's version of things which is certainly not good. A distant relationship keeps me a bit more in control, at least under the particular set of circumstances I'm facing. I think the answer may lie in the personality type of the person involved.
Still wanting a show on people who may have different stories to tell about having an 'excommunicated' family member for many years, or better yet, for those who did what Dr. Phil said and learned to refrain from arguing, but still tolerate the intolerable.
(Original Air Date: 02/17) Too many of us have a relative who stirs the pot. Meet a family who feels held captive by their youngest daughter, Marcie. Russ and Cheryl say every day is tension-filled because Marcie's "Jekyll and Hyde" outbursts have them living on the edge. Russ and his oldest daughter, Carrie, issue Marcie an ultimatum. Then, Amy and Leesa believe their mother, Myra, is the quintessential "drama queen." They say her overbearing behavior and sharp tongue make family gatherings a living hell! Find out the New Year's resolution Myra made that rubbed her daughters the wrong way. Talk about the show here.
