Topic : 06/28 Family Troublemakers

 I have lived under the assumption for years that my family was/is the only dysfunctional one.  The previews were scary because that could soooooo easily have been my mother on the screen.  The worst thing I recall mine telling one of us was,  "you should've been one that went down the toilet."  We grew up fully aware of several miscarriages between the births of the three of us.  I never realized, until I had a child of my own, just how vicious my mother is.  I would sooner cut my tongue out before I'd say such a thing to my daughter.

 Like everyone, I've had to put up with some horrible behaviour from others. I found the advice at the link below about why people are horrible to each other made me much more understanding of underlying motivations...

http://paulstips.com/brainbox/pt/home.nsf/$all/262688182826FEA9CA2570D70033C200?opendocument

 Oh, Honey I am so sorry!  Saying that was unpardonable.  Some people think that words don't wound.  They believe, well, I was just angry.  It doesn't matter.  It does.  Words are powerful weapons.

I realize that in our society, conflict sells better than peace but I have to say that watching shows like this makes me so thankful for my daughter and the beautiful relationship that we have.  I was born to a mother who "gave away" 9 girls, raised by a grandmother who was in her 70's when she got custody of me at 2 years old and ultimately ended up with a step-mother with whom I did not have a good relationship.  I married an abusive alcoholic and stayed in that marriage for 21 years because I thought it was better for my children to have two parents.  In spite of the disaster that could have been, I worked hard to be a good mother to my daughter and it has paid off in a wonderful relationship (I have 2 sons as well and I love them both--we also have good relationships).  Even though I feel many times that I did not always do the right thing as a parent, my children constantly reinforce for me that they love and respect me.  What more could a mother ask for.?  (And believe me, I have a lot of other family dynamic issues that are not so wonderful!)  I thank God every day. 

 I have heard from more than one member of my family that I am the--and I quote-- "problem".  That I am the one causing "the division" and that I am "negative" and that I "bring people down", however; no one cares to ellaborate.  When I ask them to explain to me what it is that I am doing to cause them to feel this way they just say they "do not care to discuss those issues with me".  I do not believe I am the cause for the entire families issues; that being the case the family would have been peachy before I ever came into the picture, but they were not.  I am not trying to dismiss anyone's feelings here.  If they do in fact believe I am the problem then please tell me how I am offending everyone so that I can change my behavior and better the situation.  My husband and I have also tried to discuss this with everyone, but they say we are just trying to "start drama" or cause more problems than are necessary.  "You do not need to discuss everything", they say.  "In the adult world of relationships sometimes you just have to deal with things and move on".  I agree, but how can you say such things about someone and to them  vocalizing your feelings and never give that person an explination or allow them to do the same?  It is to the point that they do not even wish to invite our family to gatherings for fear of a "situation" with me.  That is not far to my husband--their son/brother--or my children.  Especially when they are not trying to help me by telling me what exactly is the  problem.  I cannot change what I do not know.  Do they just not want a realtionship with the children or their son/brother and it is just easier to blame me?  They know my husband is not going to do anything unless I am invited and accepted.  Do they just want me to shut up and go away?  They are all in agreement, so do they really think that if I were not part of the equation things would improve?  I am so lost right now, i honestly do not know what to do.  I am almost to the point to where my husband and the kids can talk/visit with them, but I do not want to even show my face anymore, but then I would be called childish.  What should I do?  What can I do? 

This may seem harsh to some,but here goes...This so called Mother needs to get a life ,Instead of trying to control her daughters lives.She is obviosly unhappy with things in her own life and instead of looking at the real problem in the mirror every morning and working on her own issues she is taking it out on her girls.when you're a mother and your child calls with a problem ,listen console  and try to help your child through it and move on and  let them work it out.Like Dr.Phil says disengage...My Mother passed away in 2002 and I would give anything to have her here to advise ,counsel,love and to be able to just learn from my own lessons if I don't agree with her advice.And she would definitlely  give advice and if I went my own way and failed.She would be there to hold me while I cry.Life is sooooo short.I would hate for this Mother to die tomorrow and leave these girls with this pain..

This may seem harsh to some,but here goes...This so called Mother needs to get a life ,Instead of trying to control her daughters lives.She is obviosly unhappy with things in her own life and instead of looking at the real problem in the mirror every morning and working on her own issues she is taking it out on her girls.when you're a mother and your child calls with a problem ,listen console  and try to help your child through it and move on and  let them work it out.Like Dr.Phil says disengage...My Mother passed away in 2002 and I would give anything to have her here to advise ,counsel,love and to be able to just learn from my own lessons if I don't agree with her advice.And she would definitlely  give advice and if I went my own way and failed.She would be there to hold me while I cry.Life is sooooo short.I would hate for this Mother to die tomorrow and leave these girls with this pain..

 Affter seeing the show this morning (9:00 a.m. EST), I was a little disappointed but I guess I forget Dr. Phil is entertainment and not counseling.  I don't know exactly what I expected.  Dr. Phil didn't disappoint me, however.  He speaks with such candor and honesty, and what I would call good, old-fashioned advice.  I felt reassured in having disengaged myself -- emotionally and physically -- from the biggest single negative factor in my own life, my mother, who regrettably refuses to seek help for mental problems, and subsequently subjects any and every one around her to her mood swings and irrational behavior.

I hope the mother and daughters will follow through with his advice to disengage from the combativeness and ugly talk and behavior.  I have never understodd what it is that makes some family members, or entire families for that matter, think a family is equated with abuse.  I can step onto the street and be abused by anyone who chooses to.  Family is supposed to be a refuge from that kind of behavior.

I am from a family that makes these on the show today look "normal," but I was lucky enough to marry into a family that was the epitome of the Beaver Cleavers.  There are families out there who love one another unconditionally, support and help, and nurture each other, who raise beautiful children who go on to follow suit and actually better mankind.  The ones like what I came from I often question why they are even on this earth, but I have come to the conclusion it is to make us appreciate the good.

I would suggest to the mother and her daughters that they pick a date on a calendar, circle it, and from that day forward, move on.  Nothing from before comes up ever again, gets re-hashed, said or done again.  My family might've stood a chance if they could've done such.  I would also ask them to consider whether the examples they set for the children (grandchildren) were what they hoped the next generation would emulate.

I don't think Dr. Phil gave them any advise. He told them their problem but WHAT TO DO?????