Topic : 06/28 Family Troublemakers

That family was either on their best behavior or not even close to as horrible as my in-laws are. And at least they all cared enough about each other to show up and go on tv with it. My husband and I have tried more than once to get the family together to talk things over....and no one even shows up. We have tried one on one meetings, and again, no one shows. They just want to tell everyone they run accross how horrible I am and what a looser I am and how our marriage is never going to last. I think this show may have helped some people, but I think Dr. Phil needs to do a show with people who's family members behave that way (or worse) and will not come to the table and try to work it out. How do you explain to a child why grandma, grandpa and the aunties hate mommy? What about hollidays or family get togethers? Do you go and try to be part of the family and be involved, and go home feeling worse for having attended? What if you would rather not? At what point is it OK to protect yourself and your feelings and our children and just not have any contact with those people? 

You say "We have always been close, but since she has been on her own we have started butting heads.", yet you say "she says that I am part of the problem...that I am the reason for some of her bad feelings that she has deep inside." 

Those two statements blatantly contradict each other. How could you have had such a close relationship and yet _not__  known that she had such deep seeded, negative, feelings towards you? This is especially true if there are "... things that I have done in the past. Things that I can not do anything about now...because they are in the past. Things? What are things? You say over and over THINGS. "She says I have said things....." "..........and she can't seem to remember the exact things." Maybe it's these things that are your problem. Notice I said your problem. She doesn't sound like a family trouble maker, she sounds like a young lady in need of direction or maybe some support. YOU are the parent and as my own mother would say she's nothing but a baby. 

She may be over 18 but that doesn't make you an adult. I'm in my 20's, married, with kids and if you ask my mom would still say I'm her baby. 

When one of my daughters started to act out at six years old I ignored it for a couple of months.  I'd just try to calm her down and sooth her.  Then she started to develop breasts.  The problem was she was starting to go through puberty because of ovarian cysts.  Just knowing helped relieve the stress but it was hard for a while..   

I have also worked with kids that had behavioral problems that stemmed from hearing distortions, they can't understand half the things going on around them and so get frustrated and you can end up locked in a battle because you perceive things so differently.   

I know Dr Phil advocates tough love etc. but if you are not just on a different page than your child but in a different world you just frustrate each other..  There are a lot of physical problems that lead to behavioral problems so it never hurts to get them checked out.  I would hope Dr. Phil has the children on his program checked out physically. 

You can't be an adult and a child. Let us again look at these facts... 

1. Twenty years of age. (three years ago at seventeen she was a child, but now at twenty she is magically an adult?) 

2. Can't keep minimum grade point average to stay in school.(sounds very mature.) 

3. Shrugs off responsibility.  

She may have been spoiled rotten but that was not her fault. That fault belongs the parent. 

She may be unprepared for the outside world and the responsiblity that comes along with it, also the fault of her parent. 

We cannot control what happens to us as children, you are correct. However, when we turn 18 or 21 what did happen doesn't magically go away. It takes time. 

The butting heads didn't start until she moved out on her own because that is when she started to break away. 

She is still a child. This lady needs to except responsibility for the fact that her child may still need her in spite of being in a  disagreement about school or whatever. School is not nearly as important as her well being and if that means getting her issues straight before finishing school it may be worth it. 

Dr. Phil, 

It was inappropriate for the oldest daughter to tell her mother that "she needed to earn respect to get it".  This may be true in everyday relationships but that is no way to talk to the woman that gave you life.  It doesn't matter how bad your mom is, no child should talk to their parent that way.  It is a no wonder the oldest daughter is alone and unmarried.  Could it be that she is either just like her mom or she is on the road to becoming like her.  I have to say that it is not all the mother's fault.  I don't blame her for making 2006 all about her.  She obviously does have some work to do on herself, but with a daughter like that, its a no wonder she feels the need to focus on herself.  NO CHILD, ADULT OR NOT, SHOULD SAY TO HER MOM, "YOU HAVE TO EARN MY RESPECT TO GET IT".