Topic : 07/31 Are You a Bitch?

I can kind of empathize with Lois.  When I was younger, I was constantly looking for men who would just let me be nice to them and appreciate it and not get scared and run off or just take advantage, and I never really found it.  The one I cared most about slept with my best friend.  Later, I worked with him and he helped destroy a career that was my lifelong dream and one to which I had earned every step on the ladder I was climbing.  I too gained weight, during a long depression following all this, and then lost weight, but by then I was in my late forties.  I looked really good and was in a pretty good frame of mind, all things considered, having finally sort of snapped out of some PTS associated with the whole mess, and I stuck my neck out again, only to find nothing had really changed out there.  It seems to me, looking back, that the women who were successful with relationships were either great looking trophy material and had the upper hand or just put up with a lot of crap I never would put up with.  Yes, I've changed.  I'm a perfect example of why men don't like to date women over 30 -- we're not lighthearted and naive anymore.  I remember back during the time when I had the career problems, I kept thinking of the movie All About Eve, because something similar was happening to me, and especially about Bette Davis' speech she gives in the back of the car about what she'd had to give up, referring to a time when she had been more carefree.

As for the other two, of course, I do not believe abuse is necessary, but I totally do understand how a person who wasn't aggressive and assertive can have to get that way to some extent.  When I was busy and successful in my career, I had to really push at times to get there.  The competition was fierce.  I was certainly referred to as a bitch at times.  But women have to try harder than men to get the same things, a lot harder.  They either have to use their sexiness or money or just push, push, push.  And if they are direct in the workplace, they are bitches.  If a man is direct, he is a good manager. 

I could see myself spinning into that next stratosphere where a couple of those women are, at times at least (like driving - I too hate the yo's who won't use blinkers and try to kill me).  But you know, I'd like nothing more than to be able to get through the daily routine of having two jobs and a mortgage in a lighthearted manner, but it just doesn't work that way.  I will say that wait staff loves me though.  I feel I am fair, but my anger does flare, and I do share Lois' bitterness and distrust of men.  If they can, they will.  So in that sense, some of them do better with bitches.  Me, I do better with my wonderful pets and a few close friends these days.

Here's but one small example of how men treat women like dogs on a daily basis.  I consider this a very minor infraction, but I think it illustrates why it is hard to trust them. 

At work, we're in cubicles, so unfortunately you can hear everyone's  conversation.  One of the guys in the office, as soon as he comes in in the morning, calls and invites his wife, who has a 1 year old and who is expecting again and lives 40 miles away, to lunch.  Now, usually when he is on the phone with her, he is being very impatient and acting like she is bothering him or is stupid or something, but this time, it's a pleasant conversation.  She is probably happy for the attention and to be asked out, even though it means a long drive with a baby. 

So about an hour before noon, he calls her again, and asks if she's still coming for lunch.  Then he says, "Oh, by the way, since you're coming, could you bring my school notebook.  I left it......blah, blah."  His school notebook that he needs directly after work because that's when his class is.  His school notebook that he would have had to go home and get if he hadn't gotten his wife to bring it to him.  Even I could hear the wheedling in his voice, and I don't have to live with him.  What's sad is that he expects her to be so dumb that she doesn't even realize that that 's the real reason he's being nice today instead of impatient like normal and why he invited her to lunch.  

As I said, this is minor everyday crap, but it's crap nonetheless. 

Some women think that they have to be what they are not in order to find happiness which I believe we all crave as humans. The "bitch-mode" is really a sad, sad place to be stuck in.  These women can't see that they do not have to pretend or be anything other than who they are as a person in order to be taken seriously.  "Bitches" are so blinded by their state of being that they are trapped in their own state of hell where "rational" doesn't exist.  These women can't see that they are being perceived by others as ugly and loathsome and not women of strength with healthy self-esteem and they are unable to fully grasp how and why they are suddenly catapulted into negative and unhappy circumstances.  I've listened to Dr. Phil for several years now and find his advice pure and simple wisdom and not just empty words.  Listen well all you self proclaimed "bitches" out there and strive to be assertive and loving not aggressive and repugnant.

Hi I am so happy I finally saw this one on TV this morning. I am off to counselling for the first time this evening with my hubby and I have made notes as to what I can do to get help for myself. I will also be ask for help in the anger management department and feel support from people like you who have spoken out too. Thanks.

I don't want to upset my husband any more and need to learn how else to behave - I don't really know how to act assertive without getting upset. It has a lot to do with how my mum behaved and I don't want to pass this on to my little boy. thank god for this board and for Dr Phil. My little boy might have a different mum soon.

I have been treated badly myself, and after so many years i realize that instead of being respected and valued, i was used more like a maid and a carpet. sometimes it takes years to learn these things. the advice i would give is don't overwork yourself. I am called a bitch today, because i think about myself more, or atleast care about what i want in life. I find the a good way, of doing this is to balance it out. for instances, do things for others, but ask for things back in return, clean up the house but assign chores for everyone, so you don't have to everything. treat yourself to new clothes and a nice lunch. don't give and give, and get nothing back. Like myself, I had dreams, and i spent more time taking care of everything then myself. although, my husband has said that i used to be a nicer person, and now i'm not as nice. its because i choose to stop just pleasing everybody and please myself. you have to think about what you want, and if people love you they will help you get where you want to go. I use to feel like a work horse, feeling that i was fulfilling everyone else's needs not my own. I am more independent today, and i don't let anyone take me for granted. start things about your own needs, i divorced and i am now happy, i exercise , spent time with my kids, enjoy friends, and if a man wants to be with me, he better take care of me..............i hope that helped....