Dear Grant,
I consider myself a Ninja mom.
In my past I have been a single, full time working/college student, mother of two boys. All this I balanced from '99 to 2005. In March of last year I remarried, and added a step-daughter to the mix. In May of last year, I discovered I was pregnant with a high risk pregnancy. I graduated magna cum laude Dec 17th, and gave birth to my daughter via c-section Dec 27th. In January I sold my previous home, bought a minivan, and paid off 1/3 of my and my husband's debts from the profits of my house sale.
All this...I can do, and have done.
But ... to clean, do laundry, organize, purge extra items from both houses AND nurture everyone- including nursing an eight week old colicy infant, blending 3 new step-siblings, and finding time for my husband who works 12-14 hours a day 26 out of 30 days?
I am only human.
And my husband loves me for it.
One of the best things to happen to my marriage occurred about 2 years ago. My then fiancee was transitioning out of a 12 year military career as a major (which included graduating from, and later teaching and coaching at Westpoint.) He took 6 weeks off to job hunt while still on Army pay. At the time we had a teenage sitter to help him, while I was working all day as an ophthalmic assisstant and going to school. Even with the sitter's help, he could not get much done while I was at work. Our kids are older (one 8 and two 11), AND even spent half the time at their other parents house! It drove me crazy but I bit my tongue. Why?
He will never under appreciate what I do as a stay at home mom now.
Grant, please take this opportunity to grow. It seems like you genuinely wish to. And to help motivate you I want you to listen to this very carefully. My first husband was hyper-critical. Well, he still is but I don't have to worry about it anymore. That's his current wife's dilemma (and we all get along well, so I have heard that it is in fact still a dilemma.)
Now here's the important part for you.
He was my FIRST husband.
If you don't want to own that title, I suggest you learn to relinquish your need to control and criticize. I married my first husband very young. I was still a child in many ways who did need to learn how to be a good wife and homemaker. But rather than inspire me with his experiences as an adult on his own for many years, my first husband felt compelled to "teach" me through criticism and condescension. He wanted to "fix" my faults, and inspire me to seek excellence. When he asked me why I would leave him when he thought the world of me I answered, "If you did I never knew it. It seemed to me you wanted to try to change me." His reply, "Everyone could use bettering." Hmmm....he still felt compelled to be right about this even as I was walking out the door.
Once again...my FIRST husband.
My oldest son is a miniture version of his father. He has a wonderful ability to take care of those he loves just like his dad does. However, that tends to lean toward a need to convince everyone that he knows better how to do everything, and refusing to see there may be more than one way to do things. My own father is the same way as well (yes Dr. Phil, I married my father the first time- how cliche!) Two years ago, my mom moved out after 40 years of marriage. When my son criticizes, corrects, and tries to "last word" me I ask him to name two men he knows who behave that way. He instantly grows quiet. He knows my next question all too well. Where are their wives?
Grant my son's eleven. I work every day to help him not end up where you are. It is at times an exhausting journey.
So in my marriage I hope to inspire my children to find what I have found...a loving...nurturing...giving...passionate...partner...only
The FIRST time around. You are teaching your children what marriage is right now, at this moment. If you want them to have the marriage you have right now, keep on your previous path. If not?
Keep moving forward from here.
Goodluck,
Grace
Dr. Phil revisits the topic of what makes a good wife. Grant and Kelly first appeared on the show because Grant expected his wife to live up to his demanding standards. He wanted a cleaner house, better meals and a sexier spouse. After seven years, his constant criticism and disappointment had her ready to throw in the towel on trying to become the "perfect wife." Dr. Phil’s first talk with Grant and Kelly caused quite a stir as thousands of viewers wrote in choosing sides. How are Grant and Kelly now? Has Grant abandoned his critical ways and his expectation of having a Stepford wife? And why is he no longer wearing his wedding ring? Talk about the show here.
