Topic : 02/21 More Wifestyles

The discussion of what a wife's role should be was interesting--here is my answer after being married for over 22 years, both working full time, and raising two sons.  There is no such thing as wife roles or husband roles--there are marriage roles--and here they are:  lover, best friend, and number one fan.  Forget all that stuff about tasks, those aren't roles, they are things to do.  In the end, if your house is a little messy, the meal isn't perfect, you didn't get the promotion or you got fired--you have each other--the love, friendship and mutual support is what will see you through both the good times and the bad times.  Seems to me, Grant and Kelly need to remember why they married each other.

There's no such thing as a "perfect" wife...or husband. The sooner that both Grant and Kelly get off this kick, the better off they, and their marriage, will be.  Grant needs to get off his high horse with his critcism, and Kelly needs to wise up and realize that her lack of self-confidence feeds Grant's need to dominate and control.  They are making each other miserable! 

  

Marriage is a partnership, with each bringing certain attributes that contribute to this unique partnership. No one brings everything to a partnership. Spouses need to regard each other as peers, as equals, regardless of who makes the money, who makes more, who does the housework, who stays at home with the kids, etc.  All of these functions are equally worthy of being an asset to the marriage. 

  

When one party has unrealistic expectations, there's bound to be problems. Grant is operating with unrealistic expectations. He doesn't want to make any decisions regarding the home, but he wants to hold Kelly responsible for all of hers.  Sorry, dude, but it simply doesn't work that way in the real world.   

  

As for not wearing his wedding ring because he feels like he's "conceding." Well, there you have it.  This guy doesn't want a marriage. He just wants to fight - and be right! Problems between two people that go on for this long are usually not that difficult to understand - or resolve.  Sounds to me like the guy is looking for a way out, and by continuing with his lose-lose attitude, it will force her to finally make the decision - for him. 

  

Maybe it's time for Kelly to tell Grant that she'll become the perfect wife as long as he increases the family income each year by $25,000!  "If I'm going to be perfect...we're all going to be perfect!" 

 dear grant,

i have only been married for 1 1 /2 years, but i waited a long time for the right guy. we are very happy, and so i hope what i have to say helps you a little bit.

this first year has been fun, but also a lot of work. as wonderful as my husband is, there have been times when i wondered if i could make it through the long haul. along the way, i discovered a trick:

next time you are upset, take a good look at your spouse, hopefully when they don't see you looking. try to see their eyes and figure out what they are thinking and feeling. then look at all of the things you love about them- maybe it's the shape of their eyes, the goofy way their hair sticks up in the morning that is completely unique ( i personally look like Gumby!), the funny way they sneeze - whatever. remember that you love this person.

my husband  tends to go in the kitchen and leave every single cabinet door open. it's annoying until i just say to myself, "gee, i wonder who's been in here???!!" , and i just laugh. i would rather be closing his cabinets than not have him around at all, that's for sure. and there are many things that he contributes just by being himself. imagine if your wife was the perfect robot you say you want. you would never have this chance to really stretch yourself emotionally and grow as a person if it were not for her being just who she is. you are lucky!

it doesn't matter if the house is perfect- it only matters that you are both healthy and safe, and so are your children. THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

b

Grant - How sad that you cannot sit next to your beautiful and amazingly loving wife AND JUST LOVE HER. Don't you understand that the nit-picking about the house and the other extraneous garbage just takes the light out of her eyes and her spirit a little bit at a time? 

  

Your house doesn't have broken windows because Kelly doesn't spend all her time - time which will ALWAYS be better spent with your great kids - cleaning, cooking, and making what should be a home into a show piece. Why do you want a fake house to show-off?  Why wouldn't you want your home to be filled with love, with drawings from the kids, with the mess that comes from children being raised with love and attention???  Attention to detail is very important, but the details that should be paid attention to are the kids and your wife - not the carpet! 

  

By the way - your children do not witness your loving wife neglecting her home - what they see is the love in her eyes when she takes the time to read to them instead of doing the dishes! Wouldn't you rather your children know real love, instead of equating love with chores? I can remember my Mom saying that if I REALLY loved her I would keep my room tidy - how silly!  She should have known that my untidiness had nothing to do with the depth of my love for her...do you want Kelly to think that the only way to earn your love is to CLEAN?? If so you are more ignorant than you seem. 

 WOW!!!! Where is this guy from from?????? Doesn't he know that no one is perfect?????? 

He should be thankful that she is even still  with him.I know that if my husband was as critical and judgemental as Grant I would be crazy. He thinks that she is some kind of robot that can just be programed to do everything he wants and to do it perfectly.He should have more respect for her because she is at home taking care of their children, making sure that they are happy and healthy.There are alot of moms out here that just take their children somewhere and drop them off and could care less what is happening to them. At least she is at home and not out running around and be careless with the children and their marriage. There are alot worse things she could be doing besides not organizing the closets right. Maybe he should think about that !!!!!! 

 Accept and be happy with Kelly for what she can and does do.Stop dwelling on what isn't done. You married for better or worse. Be happy for what you got. Yes Grant, raising children can get very tiring, and if there is something not being done at home to your liking, then do it yourself. Marriage is a partnership. Put your ring on and let people know you are happy for what you have, not what is done.

Kelley and Grant need to "role play".  I am convinced that Grant can not handle a "super wife"-the one he thinks that he wants.   I wonder why Kelley stays with this ABUSE.  This is abuse because she does not feel comfortable or peaceful in her home.  This marriage is doomed to failure unless Grant's eyes are opened.  He needs a boss who is never satisfied with his work,  a wife with a career that eclipses his own, and negative feed-back  about his being.   I abhor what he is doing to his wife.   What is the basis upon  which he chose Kelley? Grant needs to see that he can not control the world-even his own little one.  He is actually afraid to love his wife because if he lets down ,  she would see what he actually is-quite a concrete sequential,  obsessive-compulsive,  over-bearing non spontaneous bore.   My advice to Kelley is that if she feels under appreciated and unsettled and unpeaceful at home-so do the children.  Our job is to provide a caring,  non-judgmental,  accepting,  loving place for children to grow and learn.  Grant is not doing this,  nor is Kelley-at this point-the untrusting and unloving environment in which they live is spilling over into the children's life.........they need extreme help and NOW-every day in the life of a child is important.......signed concerned

I didn't see the first show but did see today's episode. 

  

I feel so bad for Kelly.  

  

The way Grant treats Kelly seems like emotional abuse which I feel can be more damaging that physical abuse.  His male chauvinist and controlling attitude should not be acceptable.  As Dr. Phil always says (which I love) is that a home should be your soft place to fall. 

  

I just hope Kelly can pull herself out of the dismal place Grant has put her in and works on becoming her own person.  She is a precious and unique human being and should be loved and appreciated for who she is.  Hopefully she can take control of her life and make it a better one. 

  I think Grant should wear his wedding ring. My husband never takes his off no matter how mad he would get at me. As a mother of 2 teen boys and 4 step children that are also teens. My duties are to keep a clean house, laundry (never ending), run the kids to sporting events, work full time, cook meals, do all the grocery shopping,  and I also have to take them to any dr. appointments, in the summer I have to maintain a swimming pool, and I also make sure we all have nice clothing. I would love to beabe to be a stay at home mother . I do get some help from my husband. I try to be a good wife and mother. There is no such thing as a perfect person. Everyone makes mistakes. I do try me best and I don't expect my husband to do the house work. He was married before and had to do it ALL he even worked 2 jobs and sometimes 3 to make a living. His ex would not work all she wanted to do his lay around. I don't want to be that way and WONT.