Topic : 02/21 More Wifestyles

I am a wife who has been married since October of 2000 and I have a question.  When did cleaning the house or cooking dinner become the most important aspect to being someone's wife (or husband)?  When people discuss their spouses, do they really think, "Yes, I have an excellent spouse because she keeps the house clean and she is an excellent cook?"  I would sincerely hope not.  When I state to people that I have a great husband, it is because of the way he treats me, and the way he loves me - unconditionally.  I don't think how well someone cleans the house, or cooks or does laundry should factor in to what kind of spouse they are.  My husband is an excellent spouse because he loves me and takes care of me and doesn't judge me on any aspect of our life together, and, in turn, if he forgets to take the trash out or forgets to put his tools away, I don't judge him or consider him a bad husband.  He is not perfect, but neither am I.  That is the message that GRANT needs to remember! 

When I married my husband, we were both very young (18 and 20) and we had very unrealistic expectations of what we thought marriage was supposed to be like.  However, as time went on and we grew up, we realized that we had to LOWER our unrealistic expectations because life doesn't go just the way we want it to.  This is obviously a lesson that Grant has not learned.  Now, looking back through five and a half years, I realize that if we wouldn't have lowered our expectations making them more realistic, we would have never made it this far!   

Grant believes that his expectations are reasonable?!  Grading your wife's cooking?  In my opinion, Grant should stop judging his wife and just start loving her.  When she is fulfilled and happy, then she will WANT to perform to the best of her abilities.   

My parents, who have been married for over 30 years, gave my husband and me some of the best advice I have ever heard:  "There is only one person in this world who is perfect and it's neither one of you.  So, until one of you IS perfect, stop judging the other person or finding fault in all that they do, because when you point a finger in someone else's direction, always remember that there are three pointing right back at you..." 

Sincerely, 

Mindy B. 

Casstown, Ohio 

Hi Hoadley 

I couldnt' agree more.  Been married 20 years, and their is plenty that if we nitpicked about it, either me or my husband could say the 'other half' didn't do their share.  But I don't buy into that 50/50 either.  My husband luckily is very handy, and keeps our house running.  We don't hire plumbers, electricians, or landscapers, he does it all. All this after working long , very physical hours at work.  I keep the house.  He does put his dish in the sink, and carries the laundry baskets for me and lots of other little things.  It took this thread and Dr. Phils show today to remind me of JUSt how grateful I really am.  The kids ages 17 and 20 have their responsibilites around the house as well.  When either of us are stressed about something 'not' getting done, (and it is usually pretty important not how the dishes are loaded !) the kids generally get another lesson in responsibility as he and I put in way more hours (both home and work)and already know what responsibility entails.  Bringing the 'whole' family into the situation and having chores and responsibilities, yet allowing for it to be 'fun', and being 'non-judgemental' on HOW it gets done really helps here.  (especially with teens/young adults) Thanks for your share.   

I think that Grant needs to count his blessings.  He has a beautiful wife, healthy children, a wife that loves him, a good job, and a nice home.  He feels bad about himself, so he takes that out on her.  It is not that you are perfect, but that you are perfect for each other.  Thanks to Dr Phil's self matter book, I finally got that!   

My husband gets very critical of the things I do or don't do, and I gave up trying to please him a long time ago, because any time I step up, he just finds something else criticize.  I admit to many things I need to change, but of course he is perfect and does no wrong.   

I live in a home that has never been finished on the inside, mudded drywall, no trim around windows or doors, ragged falling apart carpet - yet it is supposed to look like a million dollar mansion - only DON'T make any comments about how many years it has been left unfinished. 

 "Clean under the refrigerator.  I put it on rollers!"  The last time it needed moved, he could hardly get it out himself but I am expected to do so, and when I ask for help, I get intolerance, anger and a lot of bitching, so why ask for help?  (This is with everything.)  When he asks for help, I need to drop what I am doing and run.  I just gave up.   

He treats me with intolerance, disrespect, impatience, and nothing I do is right.  I rearranged something in the kitchen a couple weeks ago, and after being with him for 16 years, he actually gave me the first positive comment EVER!   

Only God understands why I married this man, because I don't.  Sometimes love just isn't enough, but I've always been a fighter, so I do my best even though I am the only one who seems to be working on the relationship.  I give Kelly a lot of credit for keeping on trying.  At least my husband isn't a constant EVERY MINUTE bitch.   That's what Grant is really doing.  He'll never be happy, like my husband, until he can just get over it! 

I think that Grant still does not get it. Anyone can see that he is very smart but when it comes to his wife and family, he is stupid. It takes a lot to manage a home and kids and still make dinner and complete household chores. I think that he needs to go to the Bible and look up what makes a virtuious wife. There is nothing in there about the wife needing to be perfect but it does say that a wife does hold down the household while the husband is in the fields or whatever. I am pretty sure he is not the perfect husband and if Tammy had a list for Grant , he would not be happy. 

As far as the ring goes, if he did not want to wear a ring , then he should have been man enough to talk to his wife and explain to her why he did not want to wear it. The excuse he gave on the show was a load of horse hockey!!  

If this gallen is indeed Grant, which I somehow doubt.  I have the feeling some guy is just signing in and pretending to be Grant just to add fuel to the fire. 

But if this is indeed Grant, then he has not absorbed one iota of what Dr.Phil is trying to convey, which sadly, from the show, seems to be the case. 

Grant you are basically heading for divorce.  From the looks of you, you will be one of those bitter dad's that feels totally justified in trying not to pay anything.  And the whole thing will turn into a battle with the kids in the middle.  Wonder what kind of routine and influence that will be for your kids ?  Wonder how they will turn out with that ? 

Routine and emotional consistency seem to be what your wife is trying to provide for your children.  Don't know what stacking dishes and curtains have to do with THAT???  My dad never liked the decorating in our house, my mom managed to turn it into a big joke, made things FUNNY, your kids probably don't know what laughing with dad even means!!! 

Dr. Phil ALWAYS mentions that the most important thing in a child's life is to witness a united and loving stable marriage between the parents.  Wonder how withholding love and not even wearing your wedding ring out of some kind of vengeful spirit is doing it for them? 

Well, hope when you hit that invevitable divorce that you will reflect upon it and try and become a better person, chances are you will just become more bitter! 

Being that you are into credentials, I am a mom, married 18 years, with two happy kids that both do great in school.  And btw work from home as a solution design engineer for a major computer manufacturer (have been with them for 17 years also).  Being that I am here after school and manage to hold down my job, my husband is super appreciative if he gets a meal and clean clothing!!