Topic : 02/21 More Wifestyles

Watching Grant and Kelly is like watching my first 2 years of marriage.  The only thing Grant didn't have on his list of expectations was "mow the lawn" and me cleaning up after him.  My husband is an only child of a perfectionist mother.  Even the dishes in her cabinet have a specific place.  My husband never even made his own bed until he went to college.  His father worked 16-20 hours a day and his mother did everything at home.  His mom was exactly the wife Grant is describing, and they were content to live that way.  Work was priority to his dad, and he was quick to correct her when things weren't done how he wanted. I come from a family of 6, and my parents are obsessively clean.  My father was the organized one, not my mother.  But they worked as a team and helped one another in their weak areas.  I did not hold up to my mother in law's standards at all!  I was ready to leave my husband for making me feel not adequate enough, but love and determination pulled us through it.  I didn't always feel loved.    I can see both Grant and Kelly's sides on this and can find agreement with both.  It took my husband showing me how he wanted things organized, and working with me on those things.  But it also took him seeing that family and home are much more important to me then having stuff.   He works less and is home more.  We make sacrifices to help give affirmation to one another.  We jump in and show one another our preferences and help each other achieve them.  And we laugh at each others quirks A LOT!  He is my best friend and the love of my life. I don't ever want to live without him. You have to love each other enough to want to change, and do it.  It doesn't happen over night.  13 years now and we still have our days!   The funny thing is that we have rubbed off on his parents and they have a better relationship now than they have ever had.  It can be worked out!   

I do think it is possible to have it all. The clean house, have dinner on the table, laundry done, take care of the kids, and satisfy your husband. The key to all this is to have a marriage that is more of a partnership than a maid or nanny service. When your husband does not give you the emotional support you need you cant feel like a good wife or mother. Im a stay at home mom that plays the tradional role of the house wife. I have a 2mon. old  a 21mon old and an 8 yearold all three are boys. I have dinner on the table when my husband gets home house cleaned and most of the laundry done. I wont say that it is not a full time job and it can be stressful but it is possible. My one true enjoyment that i do take time out for is to sit and watch the Dr. phil show. Im not one to watch soaps or other talk shows but i can relate to what is on Dr. Phil.  I call it organized caos. Im up at  7:00am and usualy dont go to bed until 12:00 am, but when i lay down i do feel a satisfaction of knowing i have accomplished a lot. I worked for many years and I was a single mom to my oldest son for a while and that was hard but i can say that being a stay at home mom is just as physically grooling and taxing to your body as working 9-5 every day. I also find time to handle all the finances and help run my husbands company. As i said my husband is my partner. He is one of the most amazing men i have every met. He is a wonderful father to the kids, a hard worker, grat provider financialy and emotionally, and he does a great job of  keeping the romance alive. If i could clone him and sell him I would be rich. I think that men need to relize as well as women just as you would work with co-workers at a job you should work in your marriage the same way. Even during my pregnancy i was still able to keep up on the daily routine. Once you perfect and mold it to your life style it is a no fail plain!  

This is my first time 'message boarding' but I watched the Dr. Phil show today and felt that I wanted to say something. I have been married for over 2.5 years. My husband, Jason and I are expecting our first child any day now. Since getting married, Jason and I have always worked together in ministry positions, working the same hours and sharing every responsibility inside and outside of the home. We basically lived in eachother's hip pocket 24/7 and it worked well for us.
When we found out that we were going to be parents, we decided that we wanted our child to have the benefit of a stay-at-home parent so we made a move that would allow Jason to work outside of the home and support the family financially while I would work inside of the home, raising our son. I have to say that the transition has been more difficult then either of us imagined. Our needs are different, our stresses are different, some of our priorities are different and I am suddenly finding myself in a world that does not come naturally to me. After several trial and error episodes with the stove, washing machine and vacuum cleaner, I'm doing much better with the duties that I have chosen to be my job. Jason has also had to adjust to being the only 'bread winner' and the stresses that come with that. After several months of living like this, we have learned multiple lessons about life and eachother and have gained a new found respect and appreciation for eachother, inspite our imperfections. We've also learned a new level of self-lessness.
I think the key that is missing in Grant and Kelly's relationships is mutual respect, understanding and empathy for eachother's realities. I think that Grant doesn't understand that his wife 'IS' striving for excellence and that she 'IS' working to the maximum of her potential, everyday. I can only imagine how desperate she must feel when he expects her to be more than what she's able to be. They both seem frustrated because they are working very hard but towards different goals. I think Grant is looking at his relationship and his wifes 'performance' as though he can somehow acheive these things in her if he alters a few of his behaviors. He needs to look at his relationship as though it is just that. A relationship, not a math equasion.
When it comes to Kelly, I think it's smart to put your children's needs ahead of bathroom cleanliness, but it's dangerous to put your children's needs ahead of your spouses. I don't believe this is healthy or right. Sometimes when you say "yes" to your kids you're saying "no" to your spouse. In the end, the best thing that you can give your children is a happy, loving family with parents who love, respect and care for one another. I believe that couples need to make alone time and dating a priority, especially in a home where the children get parent time on a daily basis instead of going to daycare.
All in all I think that couples should strive to be the best 'wife' and 'husband' that they can be for one another. I want to greet my husband and the door with a hug and a kiss when he comes home from work, and hopefully I'll look half decent doing it. My husband wants to make me feel loved and beautiful and effecient by complimenting me and making mention of the little things that I do around the home. Bottom line: My husband works his butt off for me, and it inspires me to be the best I can be in whatever 'job' I find myself in for him. I hope that Grant and Kelly can find this kind of happiness. 

Dr. Phil, I have been marriage for 9 grueling years.  Andrea and I have one child together, 3 year old Princess Trinity, but the problem is with my grown 18 year old step-daughter, Erika.  Dr. Phil, I put my heart and soul into raising my step-daughter and I must say I did a pretty good job.  Every since my daughter Trinity was born, my life as had in a tale-spin.  Dr. Phil, to understand what is going on is really simple.  The love, time, attention, and yes MONEY I use to invest in Erika, I now invest in Princess Trinity, so there is some jealousy.  As a man, I just don't understand how one could be jealous of such a wonder blessing like Princess Trinity.  Money that my wife has for Trinity somehow gets into Erika's hands.  Dr. Phil, I have done my job raising Erika.  She is now holding a 4.0 at Howard University .  Now, her biological father, who lives just 10 minutes from her University, has to step-up.  There is a direct correlation between me letting Erika depend on her father, and my marriage going south.  The bottom-line is my wife will never allow me to do what her first husband done to her and Erika, meaning, let me go without any responsibility without first taking me to the bank.  I feel like Princess Trinity and I are prisoners of our own little success.  Dr. Phil, I love my wife to death, but I just can not stand for Andrea to let Erika's father escape responsibility-free.  I know a mother will always love their children, but to the point a grown child may cause her to lose a responsible and loving husband and father that is crazy.

Sincerely, 

Marcrease Hicks   

Perfect wife?  Perfect husband?  There is no such person.  This is a misconception.  Marriage is the ability to love each other enough, that when necessary, you can choose to put the other persons needs, wants or desires before your own.   

Marriage and family represent a team.  There shouldn't be "defined" rules.   I have been a stay-at-home mom for 9 years now.  It has not been an easy road.  My husband has a demanding, unpredictable, stressful job.  We try to achieve what is best for our (family) team.  If I have had a particulary hard day, my husband does not hesitate to make dinner or let me go lie down.  Dinner is not my "job."  It is a part our team's day.   If my husband has worked a particularly long day, & calls me at 11:30pm to say that he is on his way home and is hungry, I do not hesitate to get up and prepare him something to eat.  Respect & caring are key. 

Spouses that love and respect one another.  That makes the "perfect spouse." 

Dear Dr. Phil, 

In my opinion you let Grant off easy on the issue of him not wearing his wedding ring.  I have lived the nightmare that Kelly is living.  I was living with a man for nearly six years and the last two years of your relationship he had a beautiful engagement ring that we had picked out together in his sock drawer.  Like Grant he held it like a dangling carrot promising to give it to me if I became his idea of a perfect person.  He had an extremely critical spirit and was often abusive mostly mentally and sometimes physically.  You should have told Grant how his not wearing his wedding ring is not only passive aggressive but extremely cruel and hurtful.  In my opinion you let him off easy on this particular point of the discussion.  Grant appears to me to be a spoiled little boy who was probably an only child who must have been catered to hand and foot by his parents.  I think men like Grant have low self-esteem and can't achieve perfection themselves so they try to achieve it with others by being overly critical.  I think this takes the focus off themselves and their own short comings so they can feel better about themselves.  I did see a glimmers of hope for  Grant to improve his thinking.  However, I question his motives in not wearing his ring.  For a man who is seeking perfection he may be wanting to send a signal to other women that he is available to explore other options if the perfect women presents herself to him.  "The grass is always greener on the other side" could be be Grant's motto.  Like Kelly I too felt like I was an employee of my boyfriend and I just did not measure up and certainly was not accepted for who I was.  The good news is after seven years with this man I somehow found the strength to leave him and I am now dating a wonderful man who so far treats me with respect and total acceptance.   

A loyal viewer, 

Dawn