Topic : 02/21 More Wifestyles

I wrote quite a note to Grant earlier.  I'm not sure if you and Grant are even reading these posts, but if you are, I want to apologize for any hurt these messages are causing to you personally.  While I stand by my comments, I know you're agonizing over your painfully difficult decision (I've been there). 

It crossed my mind that you may have some decent memories/good times.  It appears, based on the show at least, that the majority of your marriage is horribly hurtful and humiliating. 

You're so beautiful inside and out.  Your love for your family shows.  I just don't see that in Grant AT ALL.  His love is completely conditional (if there is love there), yet you seem to hang in there on the thread of hope that his love is genuine for you, and not your performance. 

Ever thought about taking a little vacation - maybe you have a sibling who can go with you.  Maybe a little break from it all will help you, and with Grant taking on all the responsibilities you have, help him see the pain he is causing.  I noticed he had a difficult time keeping up in the first show.  Unfortunately, that didn't seem to phase him much. 

I've been in a similar situation.  Sincerely, if you'd like to talk, please feel free to write at debrah1963@insightbb.com, ok?? 

Sincerely, 

Debra in Illinois 

I can tell by how firmly you have stuck to this marriage that you want your children to have their mom and dad in the same home.  I applaud that and I admire your self sacrifice for your children.  Walking is the easy answer but it isn't the best one. 

I understand what it is you want from Grant.  I am lucky enough to receive unconditional love and acceptance from my husband and it is wonderful-our marriage is a joy because when you both give love and acceptance to each other, you get caught in an upward spiral rather than a downward one.   

I just don't think Grant is capable of giving that kind of love to you.  His love is broken, just as much as if his limbs didn't work.  It is difficult to be married to someone broken, but if you view him that way, maybe you can see that his dissatisfaction and criticism is not about you.  

It will be difficult, but look for your self worth and validation internally.  If you think you spent a wonderful, creative day playing with your children-celebrate it and congratulate yourself on what you value. Set your own goals and values and follow them. When you approve of yourself, tell yourself (even in writing) what a good jo you are doing.  You will feel more confidence and happiness and that may allow you to stop the downward spiral you and Grant are caught in.  You might be able to love yourself enough that you will be able to laugh off his moods and love him anyway. 

Try to treat Grant's criticism like you would a cranky child's tantrum.  It isn't about his love for you, it is just a reaction to his internal brokeness.  I even can feel sorry for Grant because he can't love fully-being the lover is as mutually joyful as being the love object.   

However, I think you need to ensure that you don't accept disrespectful treatment for you OR your children. Demand polite and considerate treatment for everyone in your home.  You are the protector of your children and you shouldn't let Grant model behaviour that you both agree is inappropriate or you will raise the next generation of broken people.  

Just saw the second part of Grant and Kelly's "More Wifestyles" show.  I think that Dr. Phil should have spent a lot more time on how Grant's obsessive, controlling behavior will impact his kids. These kids are going to grow up hating their father and themselves because Grant will most assuredly control them the same way he controls his wife.  Kids who are subject to this kind of mental abuse grow up to use food as comfort (obese), control food because they have no control over anything else (anorexic), suicidal, cutters (self-mutilation), chronic depression, bullying behavior, social anxiety, OCD, and are generally miserable, joyless people because that's who their father is and as a parent he has a huge influence over their upbringing.  Kelly should recognize that her kids are going to be damaged as much as she has been damaged (whether she can admit it or not) and she needs to take the kids NOW and run like hell before they're reading their son's suicide note 15 years from now and it says "nothing I ever do is good enough and I hate myself."   

And one more thing...the reason Grant is not wearing his wedding ring is not a mystery (even though he swears he hasn't figured it out yet).  The reason he isn't wearing it is because subconsciously Kelly is not good enough and she does not deserve to be married to him.  Once she measures up to his demands/standards (unlikely to impossible, depending on what it is) then he will deem her worthy but until then he is ashamed of her inferiority and thats why he is symbolically disavowing his marriage by taking off the ring. 

Oh gosh. I just want to grab Kelly and hug her, to reassure her that she is a beautiful, smart, talented mother with a giving spirit. To see her looking so beaten down, so defeated and struggling to please someone who refuses to be pleased. It breaks my heart. 

I cannot imagine facing my husband day after day, seeing him clench his fists when he looks at me as if to say "You're just not good enough. I'm not going to say it because I want to look like a good guy but you don't measure up." What a horrible way to feel, that the one person who is supposed to love you and cherrish you keeps rejecting you. 

Kelly, I am praying for you. You do not deserve to go through every day feeling like a failure because you are not. You do MATTER!  

  I think that he should visit someones home where the man comes home and helps out his wife at the end of the day so that they can have spend time together at the end of the day.  They should feel like a team not fight against each other.  He needs to understand that the time she spends with the kids is time that will make them be better in life for all of them and that the way that their dad is treating there mother is not the way to be happy.   Dad needs to show Mom love and respect .  Him not wearing his wedding ring?  Is he looking for a new wife????? 

Grant sounds more like he is trying to be Kelly's father instead of her husband. A husband sits down with his wife and talks to her if there is a problem he doesn't lecture her or write lists. He has a lot to learn about what it takes to be a man. Kelly has been beaten down for so long you can see it in her face she feels useless and that is something Grant did to her. Weather he meant to or not he has made her feel useless and like she can do nothing right so why even try. That is a bad place to be. One day he may come home and the house will be as clean as its ever been because it will be empty. 

Good Morning Dr. Phil! 

I actually was able to watch your show this morning as I was washing dishes and my three-year old daughter played with her play dough!!! 

I am just curious (as I've seen you in the past as hardly EVER missing a THING) about why you didn't ask Grant how he feels about the REST of his family?  I understand from the show, that he has children.  Surely, even though he seems QUITE  dense and self-consumed, he realizes that his wife has much more to do than to "see to only HIS desires".  When I heard her relay the story of the little boy riding his bike naked while she was trying to clean, I just wondered why you would let that opportunity slip by to ask Grant about that choice.  Would he rather have the bathroom spotless, or his child safe.  And that is just ONE episode!  With children that young, it goes without saying that those things happen on an hourly basis.  That's why my home is such a wreck.  It is VERY frustrating for me that my home IS in such a wreck, BUT though the wreck of a house gets on my nerves, I CANNOT sacrifice time with my children and a book for something that isn't going to make as much of an impression on their lives...like a clean bathroom!  Nor can I sacrifice the safety of my children for the sake of clean dishes.  Clothes are a different story!  We can eat on paper plates, but they haven't invented paper clothes yet!  With that little story of theirs revealed, and no response from Grant, it makes me really wonder about his priorities.  It seems obvious that he would choose the clean bathroom!  In his eyes, it seems to all be about GRANT, and no one else. 

As for his refusal to wear his wedding ring, that sends a message to me that he doesn't see marriage as a true commitment.  Even though he didn't say this, it seems that he's trying to use that as a threat or some sort of leverage with his wife.  SO WRONG.  Marriage, as we all know, is a commitment that two people make to each other, a promise of that commitment before and to God.  To treat it like that is childish and irreverent.  Quite obviously, the wife here has a much greater understanding of what "it's" all about than her husband, even if she is appearing to be a little clueless.  It is a shame to see such an emotionally committed wife and mother treated so poorly by the one person with which she has CHOSEN to spend her life. 

Grant needs a spanking AND time in the corner afterward to think about what he's done!  Maybe role reversal is called for here!  I DOUBT with ALL my being that he would be able to accomplish what he himself wants!  He needs to taste it!  Then HE needs to be critiqued! 

Exasperating!!! 

The below insert is from Dr. Phil's web-site - read it please. 

If your perfectionism or need to control others is ruining your relationships, Dr. Phil has some advice.