Obviously, the Grant and Kelly episodes have stimulated many thoughts among the masses - me included. From what I've read posted here, however, my thoughts are a little different than what's already been expressed. I watched today's show in total amazement and felt so much sadness for BOTH Grant and Kelly.
I've only been married once and I'm still married to the same great guy since 1976. I would hate for our inner-most thoughts or problems to be aired on national television and I have to applaud Grant and Kelly for risking so much in such a public venue. If nothing else, it shows bravery from both of you. Not many of us could withstand such scrutiny and I can only imagine the tension and nervousness participating in these shows caused for each of you. Thank you for sharing.
As I listened to Grant today it was obvious, even before Dr. Phil stated it, that Grant is somewhat anal retentive. I admire Grant's ability to accept the comment with humor and *own* the label. He could have become overly defensive and turned the entire show into an episode of "Jerry Springer," but he maintained class, as did Kelly, and both finished with their integrity intact.
There are a couple of questions that only Grant and Kelly can answer, like...
-- Can Grant genuinely change his expectations of Kelly and learn how to *chill* rather than *react*?
-- Can Kelly continue to live with this high level of criticism and feelings of inadequacy?
-- Will Grant be able to realize that wearing his wedding ring has no bearing on Kelly's performance as a housewife, that it's a symbol of his commitment to her and their marriage vows of providing each other *UNCONDITIONAL LOVE*? It also tells other women that he IS NOT AVAILABLE and already has a wife - which is an important and necessary aide in maintaining trust, confidence and self-esteem in a marriage. By him not wearing the band he is undermining his marriage and creating an overall air of distrust, as well as contributing to Kelly's low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. Maybe the problem is deeper than what we all think, though. Maybe Grant is terrified that HE will fail as a husband, a father, and a provider, so, maybe he chooses to not wear the band until he's confident that HE will succeed. Thought here: Test the waters and wear the ring. That one simple act might change a lot of things in their relationship - for the good.
After my own 30 years of marriage to the same guy, I saw Grant and Kelly as being very young and inexperienced at this whole marriage-relationship thing. Marriage is a PARTNERSHIP. In an earlier post here, Grant said he had talked to friends who told him that they, too, would like their wives to be better housewives - and that was validating for him. But, Grant - do you realize how completely immature and self-centered that makes you AND your buddies sound? You obviously have a job - and a boss. Do you expect your boss to do all of the work and just give you a paycheck each week for sitting behind a desk? Does your boss expect YOU to do all of the work alone, or do you have team members, and does your boss contribute to the overall workload and decision making process at work? Like most companies, I suspect that your company expects you to work in partnership with team members and in complement to the *boss* so that the workload is completed in a timely, effective/efficient, and as successful as possible manner. And while a job holds the family's finances stable, a marriage holds together our emotional well-being and our very essense of self-worth - which IMHO, is equally valuable to the family as a job.
Grant: what would you do if Kelly suddenly was stricken with a debilitating illness? Would you divorce her - just discard her life as worthless because she no longer is able to take care of the household as you expect her to? Some people truly might do exactly that if a spouse were to become seriously ill or disabled. WOULD YOU? -OR- would you find a way to manage your job outside the house with the needs of the household to keep your family together? This is an important question that only you can answer. IF the answer is *yes* - you would leave Kelly if she were disabled, then you would be doing your entire family an incredible justice by leaving the marriage now while you are both still young and attractive and energetic enough to find another life partner. IF the answer is *no* - you would NOT leave Kelly if she were to become disabled - then you have a marriage worth saving and doing whatever it takes to make life work together.
Kelly: When you need to clean the bathrooms, or do laundry, have you ever thought about barracading the kids in a smaller room, using a baby gate, and putting a movie in the TV to entertain them while you're working and also keeping them safe? Do you have portable intercoms that you can move from room-to-room while you are working so you can keep an ear on them? If not, they are less than $40 a set at WalMart. Go buy some. There ARE ways to watch and entertain the kids while you get your housework done without one of them stripping down and riding his tricycle in the front lawn. Do you attend church? Many churches offer daycare, or "Mommies Morning Out" programs, setup for just that reason...to help young mothers have time for themselves to either work or relax. Are you financially able to bring in household help for a few hours each day, or twice a week? It's not that costly, and frankly - if the relationship is worth salvaging, then the expense will be worth it. ALSO, Kelly -- are you doing anything *JUST FOR KELLY*? Do you ever get to go out for a massage, or to workout at a gym, or attend a women's Bible Study, or go to an afternoon movie with a friend? If not - I hope you will consider finding something to do that validates you and you alone - soon. Mothers are the foundation of two-parent households. If you don't take care of yourself, the foundation of your household might crumble before you - and where will that leave you beyond beaten and broken?
Grant: Before Dr. Phil even said it, I was thinking it: "Change your expectations." I have been married to an anal retentive man (I say that with love) for 30 years. Just 10 years ago, we adopted three young brothers who all had special neuro-biological needs. We now know that NONE of our expectations will EVER be met - and the first five years of parenting them we kept trying to get them to fit into our expectations of them. Then one day, a well-meaning social worker pointed out to us that *maybe* our expectations for our kids could not ever work, and we should consider changing our expectations of them individually, as well as collectively, as a family unit. It was life-saving advice.
Neither my husband or I had any idea how we could *change our expectations* - but with some professional help and guidance, as well as a ton of research and reading on our own, i.e., *self-education*, we learned that it IS possible to change our expectations - and it sure as heck has made our lives a lot easier and less stressful over these past five years of parenting. Our family life isn't for everyone, by any stretch of the imagination - but it works for US. And although neither of us is big on sports - trust me - we've become experts at learning how to move back a few yards and punt to the finish line.
I will add here that in the past decade-plus of our marriage, I have become partially disabled, making housework often painful and difficult for me to complete. It sometimes eats away at my own self-esteem, not being able to keep up with everything. But that wonderful, anal retentive husband of mine told me years ago that he didn't marry me for the housework I could do for him - that he married me because I'm the woman he chose to spend the rest of his life with - and whatever I can't finish, he'll follow behind me and get it done so that my pain is somewhat relieved. Did I mention that my husband works about 60 hours a week and comes home each night and sweeps the floors for me? He also folds clothes or moves laundry loads - or whatever else wasn't able to be finished - and he NEVER complains. He says as long as snuggle up with him at bedtime so he knows that I am there with him, he is happy, content, and life is good for him. HIS ATTITUDE is the primary reason I have been able to maintain my own self-esteem and self-confidence. You could take a lesson or two from him and I hope you do! By the way - you mentioned that you've held in your frustrations for so long that you are afraid you will explode. Try working out at the gym, or taking up bike riding to help release some of that pent-up frustration.
I know that I am a woman blessed among women. I just pray that someday Kelly can claim the same thing - and that it can be while she is married to you. I saw on the show that you are sincere about all of this. I believe that you have it within yourself to make the changes in your own life that are necessary to have a healthy relationship with Kelly - IF YOU WANT THAT FOR YOURSELF. But only you can choose. Remember... LIFE IS NOT MEASURED BY THE NUMBER OF BREATHS WE TAKE, BUT BY THE MOMENTS THAT TAKE OUR BREATH AWAY. Translated, that means start appreciating what you have and seeing miracles in the smallest of things. That is life's greatest reward... not whether or not the house is clean, the laundry finished, and Aros con Pollo is on the dinner table.
Blessings to you both... JB
Dr. Phil revisits the topic of what makes a good wife. Grant and Kelly first appeared on the show because Grant expected his wife to live up to his demanding standards. He wanted a cleaner house, better meals and a sexier spouse. After seven years, his constant criticism and disappointment had her ready to throw in the towel on trying to become the "perfect wife." Dr. Phil’s first talk with Grant and Kelly caused quite a stir as thousands of viewers wrote in choosing sides. How are Grant and Kelly now? Has Grant abandoned his critical ways and his expectation of having a Stepford wife? And why is he no longer wearing his wedding ring? Talk about the show here.
