Topic : 02/21 More Wifestyles

I wasn't sure how to react to your post when I read it the other day. You lay out a very detailed analysis and description of what goes on behind the scenes of filming and preparing something for television or cinema. I could only think of two reasons for doing so. 

Do you honestly believe that your explanation of Hollywood was a shocking surprise to me, or that you were providing the missing pieces of reality that I have been unknowingly looking for? I hate to disappoint you. Star Trek is science fiction, Desperate Housewives is a very fun prime-time soap opera that airs Sunday nights, and 24, with my man Jack Bauer, is a slightly exaggerated re-enactment of real life events, and Grissom doesn't really get the DNA results back from the lab in time to solve the case before the credits role. 

The other possibility is that you were taking a sarcastic jab at me, trying to do so with a little flair by trying to talk down at me. My ideas are not original; they come from hearing what other REAL LIFE people have told me about their relationships and division of household labor. It might really rock your world to learn that one of these people is my wife Kelly. After the show aired in October, a number of people shared with me that they were facing similar differences in their marriages. Some people are ok with settling for just living with it; the strife, increasing arguing and hurt feelings, but I wanted to do something about it. Taking all this to Dr. Phil was a choice I made, infrequently questioned, but haven't regretted. Let me go on a tangent for just a minute, but I think the crisis of society is partly due to the absence of the personal accountability and responsibility. In the parenting and family magazines that I read, the era of the 1950's is frequently used as a comparison to the domestic 'health' of families today. In a way, I am suggesting that if something worked then it should be used today. Technology doesn't fall into this category; I'm an engineer. Having Mom at home when the kids came home from school kept them out of trouble, doing their homework and keeping an eye on who they were associating with. Crime statistics, teen pregnancies, drop-out rates, gang violence, drug usage by teens, etc..., are indicators to me that more of the same 'laid-back or hands-free parenting' is only going to get us into more trouble. We had a hospital in town shut down a few years ago because people were not paying their bills for treatment they had received. There is another hospital up the street facing similar problems. So, where am I headed with this - let me tell you. Kids learn from their parents, and parents that do not accept their responsibilities will probably raise kids that simply rely on the government systems to further their own existence. I lived in Springfield, Mass. for several months where I witnessed generations of welfare dependant families living in government subsidized housing. I made a list of what I wife ought to be familiar with, because I thought those things were important. I have a similar list of things for husbands. Problems occur when fathers, mothers, wives and husbands aren't held accountable for their responsibilities. I don't think keeping a clean house, tending to kids, mending what needs to be mended, cooking dinner and having it ready for the family to sit down for together are wildly outside the realm of the expected. Frankly, I am a little concerned by your apparent thinking that it is unreasonable to expect these things.  

I provided Dr Phil a list of things that I thought a stay at home wife ought to be familiar with. I never discussed perfection or any degree of competency with these listed items - they were just general knowledge. There are libraries of books written to contain the stuff women think their male counterparts ought to know about themselves. From your post it sounds like 75 is too much for you to handle on your own and would need back up to get the rest done - what is your number? What do you feel responsible for being aware of in your role in you present relationship? Lists aren't inherently evil or bad - it is one way of putting information down so it can be shared and discussed. 

You talk about the 1950s, you really sound as if you idealize them. What I see, is that you are neglecting to look at the realities of the 1950s, people then, just like people today, had problems and addictions, joys and triumphs. The thing is, the people were children in the 1950s, grew up and changed what they were taught for a reason, they felt stifled, overcontrolled, and pushed into being something they were not. 

But really, none of the crime statistics, teen pregnancies, drop out rates, gang violence etc, has anything to do with how you treat your wife and how you raise your children. However, how you treat your wife, and raise your children Does affect all of the concerns you listed, by the simple fact that if you treat your family with respect, love and consideration to their needs, wants and feelings, they will go on to treat others the same way, and eventually their children will learn to treat others thus as well. However, if you treat your wife badly by ignoring her needs, demanding unreasonable things, and dictating to her how she should be, then your children will see that, and go on to inflict their own form of it on their spouse and children. 

Think about the 1950s really, public image was everything, women were expected to be virtual slaves, and they were expected to enjoy it, there is a reason that this mode of thinking is outdated. Women arent slaves, they are just as deserving of respect and love and consideration as a man is, it is this thinking that women must stay at home, tend babies and slave in the house that people like my mother tried to get away from.  

I do agree with you that societies problems today are due to parents not taking responsibility for their children, or teaching them basic respect and consideration for others. However, what you are teaching your children with your unreasonable demands of their mother, is to disrespect, and to be disrespected by others.  

My mother in law grew up in the 50s, she learned that a perfect outer image was more important that a happy, stable, imperfect outer image. As a result, both of her children grew up abused, neglected, and emotionally crippled because my mother in law could not understand that the perfect outer image she was working so hard to maintain, left her children with an emotionally bankrupt mother who took all of her frustrations out on her family. The 50s werent the bastion of a healthy society you believe them to be, people then are the same as they were now, just the problems were not as advertised then as they are today. 

I have two children, my eldest is an A and B student, extremely respectful and courteous to others, and knows that people treat you how you let them, and how you treat them. Is my home spotless? no, it is clean, it is comfortable, and my husband and myself share the household chores equally, because we both know how it is to grow up in a home with a person who places such importance on public image. I take the time i could be making the dishes perfectly organised and straight, and i use it to play with my children, because i know what makes a difference to them, a happy mother, a happy father, and time managed properly so that they are not neglected in favor of a chore that really isnt necessary. My husband knows that i am deserving of respect, and he behaves accordingly, in return he recieves respect, love and everything i can do to make his life easier. 

If what i am reading from your post is correct, you are allowing a vision of what you wish life to be like, to interfere with what life is like with your wife. You cannot make your life mimic what someone elses life looks like from the outside, and you cannot (as you have found out, or you would not be coming to Dr. Phil) make your family mimic the outer images you see of others lives. 

Your wife and family are more important than that ideal outer image you want to have, your home is a safe haven from the world, not a showcase, and your wife is a person with feelings, thoughts, and needs that do not always match your own.  

this statement: 

"So, where am I headed with this - let me tell you. Kids learn from their parents, and parents that do not accept their responsibilities will probably raise kids that simply rely on the government systems to further their own existence." 

what are you teaching your children by treating their mother this way? Apply your logical mind, and see through the eyes of a child, who takes everything literally, what are they seeing?  

How would you react if your daughter were being subjected to this behavior? 

My sympathies to you both, I hope you find peace and manage to repair your relationship.