Topic : 02/21 More Wifestyles

You are hurting and looking for concrete suggestions to get relief.   Whether you're asking how to stop feeling short-changed by marrying an incompetent woman or if you think your wife doesn't care to please you, please concider the following while evaluating your feelings. 

  

1.  You are asking your wife to be able to do a very broad range of jobs in the most efficient way with optimum results.  To be done exceptionally well, many of those jobs require a professional (or a dedicated hobbyist).  Have you ever heard the phrase "Jack of all trades, master of none"?  Decorating, personal style consultant, make-up artist, chef, nanny, teacher, child psychologist, housekeeper, personal secretary, hairdresser, handyman, fix-it man, nurse and chauffeur are all jobs that people do to earn a living.  They can earn money at those jobs because even though anyone can learn to do any of those jobs well, there are very few people who can do ALL those jobs exceptionally well and at the same time.  It is very common for competent, motivated, educated people to hire out work to those trades people.   Would it be worthwhile for your wife to hire a couple of experts in fields she is lacking expertise in or jobs she does not enjoy to free herself to have time to take cooking or other classes and do all her other work? 

  

2.  If your wife was the perfect Stetford wife, beautiful, loving, organized, talented in many areas, with energy and knowledge to do everything just the way you wanted,  why would you think she would settle for a husband who is imperfect and earns a salary of an engineer?  Wouldn't she deserve a man who met all her emotional/physical needs, adored her, showered her with attention and could provide expensive clothes, cars, vacations, and mansions?   

  

3.    A housewife's job is usually every waking hour of every day but it often evens out with a breadwinners shorter hours because there are times when stress at home is less than at an office.  But since your desires from your wife are above the norm, her stress and workload are much higher.   In the interest of fairness why should you work fewer hours than she does when it is your expectations that require her to work so hard?  Therefore, if you judge your dishwasher loading (or some other skill) to be superior to your wife's would it be unfair to you to assume those jobs while she did other chores?  

  

4. Alexander the Great amassed an empire at a very early age.  Einstein developed his theory of relativity in his 20's (if I remember correctly.)  People have different abilities and energy levels.  Your wife loves you whether you work hard enough to create a computer empire or not.  And even if you don't reach the pinnacle of success in your field it doesn't mean you love your wife less.  It has to do with your internal drive and your inherent capabilities.  Try to understand that in relation to your wife and her job.  My brain function is more scattered than my mates, so I will always be less organized. 

  

5. How about a shared goal to create a satisfying life for the two of you and to raise your children to be independent, self reliant, and emotionally satisfied adults.  The minor details of the physical motions we make to get to those results are minutia.  Our outlook on life and attitudes we have toward the people in our lives is what counts for so much in the long run. 

  

Your wife is beautiful;  she wants to please you.  You are more organized and "right brained" than she is.  She is more accepting, patient, and better looking than you.  You complement each other.  Can you appreciate that? 

  

Note: 

As for the outraged big mouths.  The main thing that causes others to think your attitude is so egregious is that you seem to over supervise.  "Overseers" were used by slave owners.  You certainly would resent a boss standing behind you and pointing out every missed keystroke you make before you had a chance to spell check or proof read.  If your co-worker checked your desk and criticized you about what you choose to keep in it to help you do your job it would be considered overstepping bounds.  If an office supervisor wrote you up because of how you chose to organize your supplies because he preferred a different arrangement in HIS desk most people would agree that 's being ultra critical.  For you to critique or (take offense) at the way your wife organizes (or doesn't)  the linens she washes, she stores and she later finds and uses does appear to be overstepping your bounds.    

I am very attached to our three children. 

I think it is worth Kelly and I remaining together if it is better for the children. 

The kids are terrific - they really are, in my humble and correct opinion! 

This is a major motivation for me to change how I act and function. 

  

I enjoyed reading your post mainly because you took it from a point of view that took some work on your end to achieve. You came to a very different conclusion than the knee-jerkers have. I am working through the advice and non-therapy counseling that Dr Phil offered on the show. By the way, I recognize that what Dr Phil says isn't just for me, but for his audience because he is sincere.

I am getting a little tired of people saying that I am unappreciative! 

I support her with her projects around the house. 

I compliment her efforts, not the results. 

You saw a minute of our conversation about pink curtains and now you know about me? 

Dr Phil, 

          My significant other of 20yrs and I want to shake Grant!!  I look at his wife and see myself, and my Significant Other Boyfriend (SOB) hehe... we want to really give Grant a lesson in life.  I'm 49 yrs old and have learning disorders, and have no domestic skills.  The fact of the matter is, is that I have ADD and also do not have the ability to put things in order??????  I've had previous relationships where people thought I was unorganized and messy, but the fact is, I can't do it.  So like Kelly, I do those things I can do very well.  I make choices like her, and I am happy with them, though I wished I had the skill to do better.  The truth is, if I take everything out of cupboard thinking I'm going to clean it, I don't know how to put the things back in any order????Maybe she has the same problem (which is not a problem to her, but to Grant).     I can't imagine Grant taking a shower and yelling honey I dropped the soap...cause he has no sense of humor.  When my Tom yells that, I always smile and think how blessed I am.  And he like you, thinks I'm funny the way your Robin is funny.   

I wished the whole world could see how wonderful life really is when you have a good "hubby" like I do.  How he dances every night, says I love you nonstop, compliments me on the things I can do and brags about me all the time.   

We're finally getting married Aug 12, 2006 on our 20th anniversary.  We can't afford a photographer, and maybe not a dj, but our friends just like being around us so it will be okay.  We're both on Social Security, have no money, but we're richer than most everybody we know. 

So tell Grant put his ring on, put his arm around his wife and right before bed.... just dance, smile, kiss and be grateful for all his good fortunes.  He's not bringing shame to his wife, only to himself because he's showing what a truely shallow  individual he really is. 

Dr Phil,  I'd like to be on your show, just to counsel him for 15 minutes or so, and I bet I could straighten him out...  

Keep up the good work Dr. Phil and find another client cause Grant is wearing me down too!!! 

A 49yr old blushing bride, 

Ellen  

I watched the Show today about Grant and Kelly and couldn't believe that this man would actually suggest that his wife needs "Wife Lessons".   What world is he living in?  I bet his is really "Loved" by his in laws.  If he truly loved his wife he would show more respect for her than what he does, and would wear the wedding ring as a symbol of his love and commitment to her and the family they became when they got married.  Did he forget that marriage is for better or worse.  It seems to me he wants to bail out of this one and that is the reason he doesn't wear the ring.  Without wearing the ring he can present himself as Single, and he might meet Ms. Wonderful Wife.  Good Luck, you could end with someone worse than yourself and that is truly what you deserve.  Maybe you would get to appreciate Kelly more. And remember nobody knows what they have until they loose it.   

I have a suggestion for him,  he wants a wife that cooks, cleans, organizes, decorates and does it all, well I would suggest he marries Martha Stewart, I heard she is divorce now, so go for it..!!! 

Grant asked Dr. Phil what "IT" ment.  I would like to answer the question and this is what I would tell grant.  The "IT" is not the "I" word but the "WE" word.  Grant makes it so hard.  The "IT" is not so hard and does not comes with a diagram or blueprint.  It comes when you took your wedding vows which encluded to be her mate for better or for worse.  So Grant does not have to be so left brained and make a blue print for his family.  Life is unpredictable and I am afraid that this marriage is not a diagram with only his name on it.  This legal contract is one with BOTH of their names.  As for his list, it shows his left brain is working overtime and he needs everything in HIS place or as he would say every peg in it's hole.  Life does not work that way - how about they trade places for a couple days and see how he handles the chores and the kids. 

Grant struck me as really trying to understand what is wrong with the dynamics of his relationship.  It's easy to say he's a controller, but that's a simplification.  I think Grant is confused, as many of us are because we have not moved on from our immature belief system that in order to be happy, our outer circumstances have to change.  When we are little, this is exactly how we think.  "Mommy has to buy me that new toy in order for me to be happy," or "Mommy has to pick me up in order for me to be happy."  As children we are fairly powerless over our own welfare, and so we learn to manipulate in order to influence the people who are in power around us.  However, once we become adults, we are capable of understanding that it's no longer necessary to change other people in order to attain happiness.  We have it within our psychological power to take responsibility for our own happiness, by the choices we make psychologically to either be happy or not, whatever those around us are doing or not doing. 

  

The childish manipulative tactic then often carries over into adulthood as we reason that we can be happy, only if we are able to manipulate others around us and order the circumstances in our lives around what we believe will make us happy.  But the truth of the matter is that we are stuck in the "change system" and have rendered ourselves powerless by our own belief system.  The fact is that your psychological world and your physical world are actually two separate things.  And we always have the choice to decide that despite our circumstances and despite the actions of those around us, we can still choose to be happy and to satisfy our basic current need (it takes some thinking about what this really may be - for example, it may not be so much about having perfect order as it is about feeling "heard" or feeling validated) in other ways.  This is outlined in a book called "Rapid Relief From Emotional Distress."  This book, used as an addendum to Dr. Phil's book, provides almost instantaneous relief from emotional distress no matter who the disatisfied partner is. 

  

To illustrate further, suppose a husband and wife are at odds with each other about keeping the house clean and orderly, doing laundry, sewing, organizing etc.  Now, suppose the partner  who is unsatisfied with the way things are running really thinks about what he wants, deep down.  It's entirely possible that the real underlying need of that person is to just feel better inside.  Does this mean that the housekeeping problem must be resolved the way that person wants it to be in order for him to feel better inside?  No, not really.  Because when he realizes that his psychological world is entirely separate from his physical world, then he can consciously choose to make himself feel better inside by another method.  Perhaps he will decide that he could feel better if he hired a housekeeping service once a week.  Perhaps he will decide that he can lower his expectations and learn to live with a certain amount of disorder until the children are less demanding on his partner (go off to school, for instance).  Perhaps he will decide that he can lead by example and pitch in and help rather than issue demands.  Deciding to find another route to happiness is moving into the "choice system" instead of the "change system." 

  

Here's a question:  if there is a coffee cup sitting on a table, and you and another person are sitting next to it, who is responsible for the coffee cup?  Some people will answer that it's the one who left it there, some will point a finger and say it's you, because it's not their cup.  These are both efforts to assign blame.  The answer is that both people have the ability to respond.  So both people are in essence responsible.  But whoever the presence of the cup bothers most is the one who is responsible because though both people have the ability to respond, the one it bothers is the one who is choosing to respond in some manner.  Therefore, that person is the responsible party.  

  

Early in my marriage (been married 39 years now), I was in exactly the same position as Kelly.  My husband was military and expected military precision in all household tasks.  He constantly criticized and expressed disappointment in my skills.  And what that led to was for me to "shut down."  It had the opposite effect from what he was hoping for.  I passively resisted (not a conscious choice, but simply a defense mechanism) his constant badgering.  A counselor once pointed out that he was treating me like his employee instead of a wife, holding the ax over my head, threatening that if I didn't shape up he would leave.  So I simply became incompetent at household tasks.  This is a fairly typical scenario.  So I warn husbands who think that this tactic works that they are shooting themselves in the foot.   

  

The principle of the coffee cup in the above paragraph which came from the book I mentioned, finally opened my eyes and made me realize that I was not responsible for my husband's happiness unless I chose to take responsibility (a counterproductive endeavor since no one outside that person can actually make them happy).  Of course I do cooperate with the things that really matter to him, because as a marriage partner we don't purposely undermine our partner's happiness.  But I also realized that his happiness was really his responsibility.  He could choose to accept the things I really wasn't good at and choose to admire the things I did do well, and by making this shift it changed his outlook and gave him more satisfaction in the relationship.  I returned the favor by appreciating him more, once he stopped brow-beating me.  Obviously our marriage did improve and has thrived as 39 years attest to.  So it can be done.  But both parties have things to learn about who is responsible for who's happiness. 

  

  

  

I was truly amazed when I watched this show yesterday. I'm not sure how many young children that Kelly has, but any  woman with more than one young child at home knows that this is, indeed, far more difficult than any job that ever existed. Juggling housework, while watching children and keeping the house 'perfect' is virtually impossible. Something must give. It surely sounded to me like Kelly has her priorities in the right place and that her hubby needs to learn what is truly important. 

  

I run two businesses out of my house, home-school 4 children and try to keep a semblance of order.. of sorts. However, when my hubby walks in the door, comes up to me and says, "What can I do to make your life easier RIGHT NOW?" you can be sure that he gets a VERY welcome reception from me. 

  

If he were to walk in, and start criticizing me for what I did NOT get accomplished, he would invariably find me to be a horribly unresponsive wife. 

  

Perhaps when we realize that it's not really how much we get done or how clean the house is that is important, but how much we care for those around us... only then will our homes truly be changed to reflect the loving families of the 50's. I never saw a perfect "50's show" that featured several pre-schoolers and young children. Most of them were school age and above. It's an entirely different "ball game" when the kids are older. 

  

Besides, will the kids remember whether the towels were folded perfectly or will they relish the days spent on Mom's lap, as she hugged them close and read Dr. Seuss to them? 

  

I agree that we all should do the VERY BEST that we can do in anything we do. That's a totally Biblical concept. However, our LOVE should not depend on what someone does FOR US. Love looks out for the other person. Anything else is selfishness. 

  

What amazed me the most about this show was that these 2 were still together. That alone gave me great hope that he will learn to relax a bit in his quest for perfection. I didn't see what all she was "doing wrong", but I trust that she won't give up on herself. She obviously thinks a lot of the relationship and wants to make it work. 

  

I think that both must realize that these are, indeed, VERY difficult days. I do believe that the hardest period of a husband/wife relationship, is when the kids are very small. My kids are ages 11-16 now, and a whole lot more help, more fun, more responsible and most of all, just wonderful kids. I certainly couldn't say that about any of them 11 years ago when I had 4 age 5 and under! It was miserable and the house was never clean. However, the kids do grow up and you get to go to another stage in your life and hopefully, you both grow and learn what it is that is really important! 

  

  

honestly i dont even think grant should be married 

i dont think he is even remotely emotionally mature enough to be in a committed relationship if he does not even know how to give respect 

women are not THINGS 

times have changed grant 

womens roles in the house have changed 

you want your wife to do something and its not good enough in your eyes...YOU CLEAN IT UP YOURSELF 

  

if i was in kelly's position you would be out the door 

no matter how much i loved you 

no one treats me that way  

she has so much on her plate 

being a mother is NOT easy 

she has to take care of them and put their needs first 

and ur sitting there saying what she needs to do and all this...she has enough on her hands already 

be empathetic 

  

in marriage the only thing you should be focusing on is support and making sure your spouse is happy 

  

obviously your very selfish  

marriage is not a selfish thing 

its to be selfless 

especially with kids 

  

open your mind 

times have changed 

she's the mom 

she honestly should have more say in the household 

she's done so much and been through so much 

she deserves more respect than you could ever give her