Quote From: pandywanYou talk about the 1950s, you really sound as if you idealize them. What I see, is that you are neglecting to look at the realities of the 1950s, people then, just like people today, had problems and addictions, joys and triumphs. The thing is, the people were children in the 1950s, grew up and changed what they were taught for a reason, they felt stifled, overcontrolled, and pushed into being something they were not.
But really, none of the crime statistics, teen pregnancies, drop out rates, gang violence etc, has anything to do with how you treat your wife and how you raise your children. However, how you treat your wife, and raise your children Does affect all of the concerns you listed, by the simple fact that if you treat your family with respect, love and consideration to their needs, wants and feelings, they will go on to treat others the same way, and eventually their children will learn to treat others thus as well. However, if you treat your wife badly by ignoring her needs, demanding unreasonable things, and dictating to her how she should be, then your children will see that, and go on to inflict their own form of it on their spouse and children.
Think about the 1950s really, public image was everything, women were expected to be virtual slaves, and they were expected to enjoy it, there is a reason that this mode of thinking is outdated. Women arent slaves, they are just as deserving of respect and love and consideration as a man is, it is this thinking that women must stay at home, tend babies and slave in the house that people like my mother tried to get away from.
I do agree with you that societies problems today are due to parents not taking responsibility for their children, or teaching them basic respect and consideration for others. However, what you are teaching your children with your unreasonable demands of their mother, is to disrespect, and to be disrespected by others.
My mother in law grew up in the 50s, she learned that a perfect outer image was more important that a happy, stable, imperfect outer image. As a result, both of her children grew up abused, neglected, and emotionally crippled because my mother in law could not understand that the perfect outer image she was working so hard to maintain, left her children with an emotionally bankrupt mother who took all of her frustrations out on her family. The 50s werent the bastion of a healthy society you believe them to be, people then are the same as they were now, just the problems were not as advertised then as they are today.
I have two children, my eldest is an A and B student, extremely respectful and courteous to others, and knows that people treat you how you let them, and how you treat them. Is my home spotless? no, it is clean, it is comfortable, and my husband and myself share the household chores equally, because we both know how it is to grow up in a home with a person who places such importance on public image. I take the time i could be making the dishes perfectly organised and straight, and i use it to play with my children, because i know what makes a difference to them, a happy mother, a happy father, and time managed properly so that they are not neglected in favor of a chore that really isnt necessary. My husband knows that i am deserving of respect, and he behaves accordingly, in return he recieves respect, love and everything i can do to make his life easier.
If what i am reading from your post is correct, you are allowing a vision of what you wish life to be like, to interfere with what life is like with your wife. You cannot make your life mimic what someone elses life looks like from the outside, and you cannot (as you have found out, or you would not be coming to Dr. Phil) make your family mimic the outer images you see of others lives.
Your wife and family are more important than that ideal outer image you want to have, your home is a safe haven from the world, not a showcase, and your wife is a person with feelings, thoughts, and needs that do not always match your own.
this statement:
"So, where am I headed with this - let me tell you. Kids learn from their parents, and parents that do not accept their responsibilities will probably raise kids that simply rely on the government systems to further their own existence."
what are you teaching your children by treating their mother this way? Apply your logical mind, and see through the eyes of a child, who takes everything literally, what are they seeing?
How would you react if your daughter were being subjected to this behavior?
My sympathies to you both, I hope you find peace and manage to repair your relationship.
I whole-heartedly agree: What are you teaching your children?
Healthy relationships are all that truly matters in life. Children definitely learn what they live. As a wife for 25 years with 3 children (ages 24, 22, and 16), and full-time school teacher and part-time student, I have been on both sides of the coin with regard to being a full-time mommy and a working professional. Children don't learn from what you "tell" them, especially when it conflicts with what they see and experience first hand. Grant and Kelly are their kids' role models.
Grant and Kelly, I urge you to examine just what kind of a role model you are being for your children.
Grant, would you condone another man treating your daughter the way you treat your wife when she is married? Is that unconditional love? It seems to me that you are withholding love until and unless your expectations regarding household chores are met, as evidenced by your refusal to wear your wedding band. Are chores really that important? If that's your biggest worry in life, consider yourself blessed!
Kelly, I applaud your willingness to "do your best" to try to make your husband happy and live your vows, "for better or for worse." But Grant seems to think that "your best" is a cop-out. If you are truly doing your best, he needs to accept that, to accept you unconditionally, as you are. (Are you really so different than when he met you and fell in love with you?) Kelly, I urge you to look within yourself and make yourself happy. You can't change Grant, but you can accept him as he is and still love yourself for who you are. Stop trying to "please" him when you know nothing you do will suffice. Instead, focus on what kind of example you are setting for your children. I don't know what gender they are, but you don't want them to grow up to have a marital relationship like the one you and Grant have. They are watching...and they are learning.... If they see you as a strong and confident individual, they will learn how to be strong and confident individuals...and visa versa.
I was a stay-at-home mom for 10 years, also working at home as a home daycare provider for 7 of those years, before I earned my teaching degree and started working full-time as a first grade teacher. I have been on both sides of the coin with regard to the roles both of you play in your respective careers. Let me tell you that both jobs are equally important, equally valuable, and equally difficult. My husband never complained about the house or meals when I was solely responsible for those areas. Once I started working full-time, we had to readjust our distribtion of household labor. For the first time in his life, he became responsible for all the shopping and cooking, while I remained responsible for the cleaning and laundry.
Right now I'm working more hours per week and also pursuing my Graduate degree, which translates to a 70 hour per week workload, versus my husband's 40 hour per week workload. (I'm taking 2 Grad classes this semester.) So once again we are readjusting our distribution of labor. I still do some cleaning and some of the laundry, but my husband helps out as much as I need him to. He realizes that if he didn't, we would never have a moment of time to spend together, and that's not what either of us want.
Grant and Kelly, think of your marriage as being on a team, where roles and responsibilities are flexible and negotiable, based on day to day needs and goals. You need to "cover" eachother, have eachother's "back." It's not always easy, but if you have eachother's best interest at heart and a willingness to communicate, negotiate, and forgive, you'll make it.
In the words of a favorite aunt when asked at their 50th wedding anniversary celebration, what is the secret to a long and happy marriage:
Forgive, forgive...(long pause)...and forgive again.
Nobody is perfect. The question is: Are you perfect for eachother?
Dr. Phil revisits the topic of what makes a good wife. Grant and Kelly first appeared on the show because Grant expected his wife to live up to his demanding standards. He wanted a cleaner house, better meals and a sexier spouse. After seven years, his constant criticism and disappointment had her ready to throw in the towel on trying to become the "perfect wife." Dr. Phil’s first talk with Grant and Kelly caused quite a stir as thousands of viewers wrote in choosing sides. How are Grant and Kelly now? Has Grant abandoned his critical ways and his expectation of having a Stepford wife? And why is he no longer wearing his wedding ring? Talk about the show here.
