Topic : 02/21 More Wifestyles

  

Haven't we discussed the wifes "role"  ad naseum?    Never, do I hear what the husband  needs to bring to the marriage!   What his role should be!    Are we still in the 1800's where marriage is only about pleasing the "man" of the house, and never mind the woman's needs!     

  

Please , the world needs desperately many many more shows on what men need to bring to the marriage, and everyone would be better off for it. 

  

Dr. Phil....you asked what women think about being a "good wife".  I just want to say that I wish you were on television twelve years ago, because it would have saved me a great deal of  pain trying to answer that question for myself when I first got married!  I learned the hard way that to give up yourself and your dreams to put your husband and children first, and to serve everyone and keep your home perfectly clean wasn't what I discovered being a good wife was all about.  Over time and painful, humiliating years,  I discovered that being a good wife is to take care of myself , and to balance what my child and my husband wanted and expected from me....I even learned to say the most freeing words..." DO IT YOURSELF"  and " I WILL DO THIS IF YOU ALSO WILL HELP ME"  .  So....now I have discovered what being a happy and good wife is all about...staying true to myself and my dreams/plans, and thereby becoming an excellent companion to the man I love.....and he is even nicer to me now than before!  Your wife Robin is the best rold model of a good wife in the public eye today! 

     I have been married to a Grant for 12 years and am now two weeks away from my divorce.  My STBE (Soon to be Ex) is also an engineer and sees things through a tunnel.  I am an educated woman with a career, I am loved by family, and friends and have the respect of my colleagues and parents of children I work with.  It took me some time to realize that I am a wonderful person deserving of respect and admiration from my husband.  I wanted it but never could get it and even figured I could live without it.  Once I made that concession I became depressed and defeated, stopped eating and sleeping.  My husband has always refused to wear his ring no matter how many times I asked him to and how many times I told him what it meant to me.  He criticized how I clean, cook, talk on the phone, do my job at work, etc.  He did this through telling me every step of the way that I should have said this or next time do this this way, or why would you do that?  He came right out and told me that I am not good at making decisions and therefor he needs to do that.  In the end when asked if he has equal respect for me he cannot answer except to say.  "You should just accept that I am better at many things than you and stop trying to compare yourself to me."  He has recently let me know that I have been a very unfit wife to him and that my self -esteem is very poor and I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for him.  He is completely dumbfounded on why I am leaving him and why I am so emotional when it comes to our relationship.  Why the way I feel about things really plays a part. 

   To Grant I say, good for you for recognizing that things need to change and that you may need to do some changing yourself.  It was about the seven year mark that divorce first started being brought up in my house and nothing really changed besides surface stuff.  Ask yourself "Would you want someone to love you who doesn't respect herself enough to stand up for herself, or to do what she knows is right and has confidence in her decisions? Do you want someone to love you and be happy doing it or do you want someone to serve you and resent you for it?  Do you love yourself enough to let go of things that don't matter to see if the things that do will come to you more freely? 

   To Kelly I say - Keep standing up for yourself.  Do not let him criticize you.  If you are happy with the way the dishwasher is loaded than you did your job.  Tell him to do it himself and say it sweetly with a smile on your face.  If you are the one using the mops than you get to decide where they should be kept.  Take time for yourself and realize that you are a person of your own right, not just a mom and a wife.  Be beautiful and sexy for you first.  Then help Grant to see that he is very lucky to have you by giving him hugs, asking him once in awhile what he would like for dinner, making arrangements for the two of you to go out.  You probably do this already.   He should want you for you not your laundry folding abilities.  He can get a maid for that.  If he cannot learn to make loving and respecting you his priority, than let him know that it is your priority to love and respect yourself and you will have to go about doing that with or without him. 

  Good Luck to you both.  I hope things work out.   By the way Grant, my husband does not want this divorce and you guessed it he is losing out on something wonderful. 

I was married in 1967; hubby and I have been married for 39 years.  Back in '67, roles were quite different from today.  It was before the Women's Movement. 

  

I was expected to manage all the household chores, every last one, in addition to holding down a full-time job.  Even without children, it was more than I could handle, and, frankly, extremely unfair to me. 

  

My husband's shirts had to be laundered a certain way.  It was before they invented permanent press.  Oy!  His mother instructed me on how to mix the starch solution in two concentrated mixtures, the more concentrated for the collars and cuffs.  Then I was to dip the shirt in the mixtures, roll them, store them in the refrigerator in plastic bags for several hours, then pull out the ironing board and get to work.  I HATED it so much, one day I had to call in sick from work just to catch up on my husband's shirts because he had none to wear to work the next day. 

  

There were MANY more issues, however.  I was not PERMITTED to dance with anyone at my best friend's wedding.  I was not PERMITTED to take the commute train to work by myself.  When I needed a new dress for work, I had to ASK for the money, even though I was earning more than my husband. 

  

Thank God for The Women's Movement!  I was one of the first to burn our bras, it's true.  Hubby and I went through a very difficult time, and we almost didn't make it through.  He had to accept SEVERE changes in our relationship, but changes that were necessary for me.  We saw a therapist who helped us a great deal. 

  

Thankfully, I had a husband who loved me and wanted the marriage to work.  We got through it.  Now, our roles are much different.  We share all household responsibilities.  I do all the laundry and cooking.  He cleans up the kitchen when I am through and cleans the house.  He takes out the garbage and recycling.  I'm a good seamstress; I mend his clothes and knit all his sweaters.  When the dog needs exercise, we go together.  We both clean up after him (the dog, not the hubby). 

  

Hubby was never good at budgeting, so I took on the responsibility, and have done an excellent job the past 39 years, if I do say so myself.  Hubby as NEVER complained. 

  

When I am sick (I have IBS), hubby brings me tummy mint tea and serves me oatmeal in bed.  When his back goes out on him, I wait on him in return.  It's a good companionship, a wonderful friendship, and the best marriage of anyone I've ever known.  We have great respect for each other, and yes, even admiration.  I could brag on him for days; he's very special to me. 

  

When I see shows like this one, it saddens me because I truly thought the Women's Movement had made more of a difference in all our lives and that we had learned how to raise our children better than my generation did, to respect each other and to grow together. 

I love your idea....maybe it would help!

Dr Phil, 

I feel bad for Grant because I don't think he's "got it" yet. Sometimes it can take years before you can figure out that the problem is within ourselves.  

I grew up with the "perfect  mother" and clean house.  I was overwhlemed when I got married and realized I couldn't keep up with that role.  Even my mother was disappointed in me although she really didn't say it out loud. I married a great guy but he was messy and really couldn't see it. I've always worked part-time as a labor and delivery nurse and we've raised 3 boys. Even if I worked I was expected to be the total housewife and my pressure always came from my mother mostly in my head,since she lived a state away. I wanted my husband to be neat and I was always mad. 

I have a strong Christian faith and I was always asking God why my husband was so awful! 

The same message came back everytime...that it was ME that had to change. I couldn't understand that at all and fought it for years. 

We've been married for 23 years and I think I could have gotten divorced at least 10 times because of laundry, dishes, meals etc.  (I'm his 3rd wife and he thought I was great!) 

Eventually I have gotten used to a messy house,ceilings that never get wall board,beds that don't get made,and dishes in the sink even when we go to bed. It just took too much "energy" to get it all in order every day or to fight about it.  He's a great dad and I love my boys dearly. Our home maybe messy but its Home and I think the boys even love being here and so do their friends. Even now when they are 21,20 and 17. 

I love my job and get a huge amount of positive strokes of who I am from taking care of patients that need me. The house will get cleaner when the boys all move out and we'll be alone. That will be lonely but well have plenty of time to clean! 

Interestingly I also take care of my 91 year old mother and she doesn't complain about what my house looks like anymore either.  She's just glad to be alive to enjoy another day with us. 

I hope Grant "gets it" before he misses the lives of his children growing up before him. The time goes so quickly and can't be replaced. 

If you want me to talk to him too I will ! 

Sincerely Jan 

Today's show was an example of how women can be made to feel responsible for "it" all.  As a wife, we can feel the burden to make everyone's life better.  I sometimes feel like the family facilitator.  I feel like I need to keep a clean house, with excellent meals (on time according to each person's schedule), well-behaved children who are always happy, and a husband who is happy in bed and out.  Fortunately, my husband does not allow me to think along those lines for long.  He encourages me to pursue some of my own interests, whether the house is clean or my work is done.    It makes a huge difference to me to have that support! 

  

 Everyone (male and female) has things they would like to improve on; that is part of living and growing.  A spouse (or children) should not demand a certain performance level.  Their love should not be conditional.   A good marriage is an understanding and compassion for the other person.  If the wife is feeling stressed, tired, sad, frustated, afraid, insecure, etc., it should be the husband to ease her load, not add to it.  The same is true if the husband is feeling these things.  Having a list of expectations for the other spouse is a like having an employee, not a spouse.  If something is not done to your liking, offer to help.  Don't point out the fact that something was not done good enough for you.  At the end of my life, my goal would  be  to look back and say I was the best wife and mother I could be, not that I had the best meals and cleanest house.  Life is too short!!!  Grant should relax and realize the time Kelly is spending with the kids is priceless.  Having great meals and a clean house is something he should be willing to help with and not just demand.  When the kids grow up, is he going to have a list of expectations for them as well.  As teenagers,  their "performance" may not always be up to his standards.  Is his love for them going to be conditional as well? 

I believe the role of becoming a great wife cannot be accoplished without an active role of an equally great husband!  

  

                 Stephanie 

She mentioned that she has traditional views on running a household but then went on to say that she is working full time and taking classes.  This is by no means traditional and why isn't her husband pitching in to help her successfully achieve her goals in the meantime. 

  

Some men these days seem to think that it's okay to expect their wives to work full time but still be home before them in order to put on the June Cleaver uniform and have a pot roast waiting on the table for their arrival.  Get real!! 

  

I don't judge women who want to work, or women who choose to work at home - only my life and my choices are any of my business.  However, I think it's important to discuss these "little things" BEFORE getting married.  Are Grant's issues just blowing out of proportion now?  And if it isn't new to Kelly, why did she marry him?  Did she think things would get better once the wedding was over?  I don't get it.  And maybe that's why I'm still single.  I was raised in a house where my dad did ALL of the cooking.  And when he wasn't around I did it once I was old enough.  My mom had a demanding career of her own and so tasks around our house were shared and certainly not criticized, otherwise that person would have been invited to take over that responsibility. 

  

If these things are all so important to Grant and he is so clearly willing to ignore his wife's feelings of absolutely inadequacy to have things his way, perhaps they should call it a day and move on.  This woman is not living, she's existing.  Her sadness permeates the air around her and you can see it on her face.  She couldn't look any more broken as if she were a beaten dog with it's tail between it's legs.  I don't get it.  I know there must be compromises in any healthy relationship, and I stress the word healthy, but this is simply out of balance and he doesn't get it.  At all.   

I have a very traditional view of the wife's role in marriage.  I think people misunderstand what the Bible saysabout our roles.  Yes, we are to be submissive BUT is goes on to say the husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church and to give himself up for her.  It also says that husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies (Ephesians Chapter 5).  As Dr. Phil said today, I am the only person I have control over.  I can't change anybody else.  I CHOOSE to honor and obey and serve my husband and family because that is what God asks of us as wives.  I am not a door mat or a servant.  My husband respects and honors me back and is involved with some of the household jobs as well as caring for the children.  He goes out and works all day long and I care for the house and the children and I feel VERY HONORED to be able to do that.  I want to create, to  the best of my ability, a place of sanctuary for my family.  I want to set a tone of unconditional love, peace and safety  for them.  I do not think that the marriage relationship is 50/50.  It is 100/100 and I want to be under the headship of my husband.  I look at it this way:  when I submit to my husband, it is easier for him to submit to God, who is the utimate Headship.  When I step out of the way, God works in both of us.  Because I choose to be obedient, not only  to my role as a wife, but to God,  I have reaped and will continue to reap the many, many blessings our God gives.  I have watched my husband grow and heal over the last 8 years and he is becoming that man that I referred to in the scripture above.  I hope that this man on the show today can get some help and heal from his past hurts for himself.  That is no way to live life.  Dr. Phil said to find some JOY in your day.  As for his wife, I would like to encourage her to stick with him.  I am so excited to see my husband change before my very eyes.  He knows that I love him no matter what and am wholely committed to him and our family.