Quote From: jubilee65Grant, I'm pleased with your response to my posting. I have more thoughts that I'd like to share with you and Kelly in an effort to help with the practical issues that you all face. These are suggestions that have taken 16 years to realize. I apologize in advance for it being so lengthy. I promise it won't take you 16 years to read it. Hopefully it will bless and encourage you. You guys are more on track than you realize. Don't despair.
Good fathers and good mothers are not just born. My husband is not the same man I married, and vice versa. He's a good father who totally recognizes his role in making this family successful, however, he's not always been willing to help as much as he should. This whole grownup/adult/parent gig comes with its benefits, but it comes at a price. I know my parents made it look so easy. I was/am the youngest of five children and didn't have a clue about the amount of sacrifice it takes to do this family thing. It has always been my childhood dream to grow up, get married and have children. I believe the Lord put that in my heart and the hearts of others and thank goodness He says He won't give you more than you can handle.
As a new wife/mother years ago, I heard Dr. James Dobson on the radio saying that a clean/peaceful home makes such a difference to a husband coming home from a hard day at work. I took that to heart and incorporated it into a philosophy that I chose to live by. I do not judge you Grant for wanting that. I also believe that it's a reasonable expectation. I will add that not everybody, including your wife, will notice the things that you may notice. Sometimes it could be because of poor eyesight, other times it's just not on their radar. You two need to find a balance of her doing the bulk of the clean/peaceful home and you fine tuning what's important to you. She'll get on board as she learns and has more time to incorporate smaller items that now may get overlooked. When I say clean, I should be more specific I really mean picked up and reasonably clean. Leave your white gloves at the door, please. Grant has a heart of gold and Dr. Phil's approach and the vehement responses on these boards do nothing to improve the practical issues that need to be addressed. You obviously have a very loving marriage. These issues are just icing on the cake.
Again, this is a stage that the two of you are going through. Some practical advice to keep the Momma happy is in order. A well-oiled machine doesn't just happen over night. Like any job it takes experience and practice. I'll give you some for instances.
Never go to bed with a dirty kitchen. It's such a drag to get up to a dirty kitchen. Help her if she isn't motivated to do it herself. Habits take time to establish. Buy her some good hand lotion to put by the sink, she'll need it if she stays on top of dishes. William-Sonoma has a little caddy that holds soap and lotion. I like to do treats like that so I don't feel as sorry for myself have to do the mundane day in and day out.
Try to never get behind on laundry. Every other day at least. Start it early in the morning and if it's only a couple of loads every other day, you can finish it by lunch and have it done. I've found that it's good training to have the kids help fold and put clothes away, but there's always a price to pay with the organization of their drawers. It's unfortunately not very good. It's frustrating. An ongoing training for them that takes a long time to perfect. If that's even possible. I wouldn't start them on that until they're at least 6 unless you do it with them.
Always try to coordinate your errands. Too much time away from home comes at a price. Years ago when my kids were small, I realized I was involved in too many outside activities. It doesn't take a lot either. After child #4, I cut way back on involvement because my life was too chaotic. It's hard to get a lot done on the home front if you're away from home, on the go too much. I never go shopping unless there's a specific need. People BLOW soooooo much time and money shopping for things they don't really "need". I know it's better for us if I don't "window shop". Always have a grocery list going. Write down items as you think of them. Same goes for kids who can write. Toys/video games don't go on that list. Tee hee.
Super Suppers/Dreamdinners, etc.. Google these and check their websites out to see if one is near you. These are new concepts popping up all over the country where you go once a month or so and prepare meals that you take home and freeze. All of the ingredients are out, you just assemble. They feed 4-6 adults so you could probably half them for your family and make them last even longer. It takes a couple of hours and they clean up after you. The meals need to be defrosted and you just add whatever side dishes (salad, vegetables, some type of bread). You can pick and choose the meals that are to your liking. All of the ingredients are restaurant quality and they have Chefs that come up with all of the meals. Some say that their families are too picky. I tell my kids that they don't have to like it for it to nourish them and that's the whole point of eating, no? Liking it is bonus. The young ones often don't like the way it looks. Tough, they have to try it and have some of it. Negotiating isn't ruled out, but should be an exception. If there's a negative consensus, I tell them I won't make that meal again. The meals change monthly. If you want to grow as a couple go with your wife to make them. That may involve getting a babysitter so making the meals together may come later. I take my 12 year old daughter now and this is teaching her how to cook. I've met many interesting people there while preparing meals for my family. This concept is to get families back together at the dinner table. It's so much more than that, and it's changed my life as a stay-at-home mother. Meal planning and shopping is so much easier and there's much less guilt for me.
Renting videos. Video stores for me take too much time. Do it over the Internet. It's way cheaper than going to the theater, you don't need babysitters and frankly, it's nice to escape from reality occasionally by watching a good movie. It's very difficult for us to find time to sit down to watch them together however. Before we could go out by ourselves, instead of a babysitter, we would pick up a dinner somewhere, bring it home, split it and watch a video. That was cheap date night.
Regular bed times for everyone. Good rest is crucial to a healthy lifestyle. It took me several years to perfect this. I was always too pooped to chase my kids to bed because they wouldn't go by themselves. I can't rely on Dad to put them to bed because he gets them all hyped up, so I go up and get ready for bed at the same time (not always) and if there's physical presence upstairs with them, they'll go to sleep. I've learned that if I take just 10 minutes to enforce, there's a lot less yelling. It's one of those things that if you want something done right, do it yourself. That expression applies to a lot that I do on the home front. However, I can't do that for everything because it would make me crazy. I do have to let some things slide.
Have the kids pick up their rooms. That responsibility has to be age appropriate. I expect more from my older kids than the younger. We have a saying of "company clean". My expectations are not always "company clean". They do have to show effort. Clothes need to be in their drawers or hamper, the floor needs to be picked up and beds have to be straightened up. Then Mom can go in and within a couple of minutes perfect the room if she needs to.
The beauty of a housekeeper. Housekeepers will clean around clutter typically. Can't blame them. It's their job to clean, not pick up and de-clutter the whole house. I use the opportunity to pick up the whole house before they come. The day before they come, it's crazy here. I try to have the laundry caught up, the house totally picked up and ready so that they can come in and clean. It forces me to deal with piles of papers and putting stuff away in appropriate places. I thank my housekeeper every time she comes and thank the Lord for her. The whole house is clean until the kids come home. Don't be deceived however, I still have a vacuum upstairs and one downstairs that I use probably 3 times in between cleanings. I still clean a lot because my kids are not the neatest people around. I use glass wipes and clorox wipes for quick toilet cleanups, etc. If I stay up on it, it never gets really gross. Gross takes a lot more time to clean. HOUSEKEEPER = mental health for me. My husband says we'll never go without. It makes that much of a difference with my mental health. We're just outside of Denver, CO and have 2,800 sq. ft. It costs $75 every other week. I've not always had this and actually never thought I would do this. My mother has never had any help cleaning, but this lady solicited me for business the day after we moved from a rental property that needed to be cleaned and one thing led to another. Five years later she's still helping me. I can do other things better and more consistently because of this. If this isn't in your budget, get together with your wife every Saturday morning and clean the house top to bottom together so that the house is totally clean at once. There's nothing better than ownership and teamwork to strengthen your family and to teach your children those same lessons. I promise you that it will be just for a season. Y'all will be stronger and better for it.
DON'T BRING PETS INTO THE SITUATION! That would be my husband's suggestion. He's totally right. I didn't listen. We currently have a retired racing Greyhound, two rats and two canaries. Adding animals to the mix increases Mom's workload. No matter how much the kids promise to do, it's Mom who has to clean and maintain all of the critters. You can add animals when the kids are much older (over 8) and they'll still enjoy the experience. Visit the pet store animals to get a fix. Puppies are totally out the question unless you're on medication or plan to go on it when you have small children. Don't knowingly walk into a situation that you know will increase the stress levels of the household. The poop of any living creature stinks no matter how cute they are. Count on it. There's too high of a price to pay to do this when you know you already have serious issues about how your home is run and maintained. When you're ready though, I highly recommend rescuing greyhounds. They're the coolest dogs. Rats are also awesome pets. The pet store says they the best rodents, and I agree. They love they're people and are very social. The canaries are small and don't require a large cage that's difficult to clean and have a beautiful song. These conclusions about pets have come to me over the last 16 years of trial and error and what I've witnessed with friends and neighbors. If you have to have a dog, don't get one that sheds.
The best encouragement I can reiterate is to remember that this is just for a season, cherish these times with your children. They grow up so fast. It all goes by in a flash. No matter what your religious beliefs are, the Lord gave you these children to raise. It's such an important job. Your children can make a difference in this world. Look at you two. You're on Dr. Phil reaching millions. Look at Dr. Phil. I'm sure he and his family never imagined the impact they would have on our country let alone the world. The service he provides has and will continue to change people's lives for the better for sure. In the circles I run in, people dog Dr. Phil and liken his show to a Jerry Springer type show that they believe is silly and a waste of time (which Jerry Springer is). The implication, I feel, is that I'm a dumb housewife that has nothing better to do than watch Dr. Phil. I'm always quick to point out the service, if not ministry, he's providing our country that so needs the guidance and wisdom he provides. Dr. Phil McGraw was born for such a time as this and the same goes for those children that you're raising. Their early developmental years with proper guidance will help them reach the full potential God created them to have. What Dr. Phil is trying to do is a huge job. God bless him for trying. God bless Grant and Kelly for opening their lives to the world for purposes of educating struggling families in the same and similar situations.
This is a good thing and I hope my efforts in sharing are not in vain. These are suggestions that work for my family and are not designed to come accross as the "right" way. The ideas and concepts can be tweeked, of course to work for your family. Lord knows I've got enough to do besides spending hours posting messages on Dr. Phil's message board. I'll leave you with this. I'm happy to share my experience and tips for running a household more smoothly and am sure that if I gave you more of our background and what we do now, it would legitimize my advice even more. Let me know if you have any questions or want any more explanations of what we're all about. God bless you with wisdom and discernment over what lies ahead for you, your family and your marriage. Julie T.
I am a young stay at home mom of three under 4. I need major help running the house it isnt dirty but overy cluttered with stuff everywhere we have no function. Kids dont have bed times heck they dont even sleep in their beds it is alot of argueing that we have just avoided. It seems like after supper everything fails. any ideas on how to organize my days or anything to make our family better functioning would be appreciated
Dr. Phil revisits the topic of what makes a good wife. Grant and Kelly first appeared on the show because Grant expected his wife to live up to his demanding standards. He wanted a cleaner house, better meals and a sexier spouse. After seven years, his constant criticism and disappointment had her ready to throw in the towel on trying to become the "perfect wife." Dr. Phil’s first talk with Grant and Kelly caused quite a stir as thousands of viewers wrote in choosing sides. How are Grant and Kelly now? Has Grant abandoned his critical ways and his expectation of having a Stepford wife? And why is he no longer wearing his wedding ring? Talk about the show here.
