Topic : 02/21 More Wifestyles

Why did you not ask him what he did around the house or how much he helped with the children. It sounds as if his wife is supposed to do all the house work in and outside of the house and take full care of the children. If he washed up after she cooked or he put the children to bed with story time she might have time for him. Marriage is a teamwork beyween 2 people.

I get that you seem to be in a heated battle with another poster, but this seems pretty harsh. The person you are really bashing here is Kelly, and as far as I can see, she is not arguing with you nor has she written an unkind comment to ANYONE. 

  

The truth is, none of us really know what the refrigerator, bathrooms, etc. are like in their home. Even if we did, we'd probably still disagree....eye of the beholder and all of that. We also don't fully know the inner workings of their relationship.  I don't think any of us have the right to assume we fully get it. 

  

Julie 

  

  

First I would like to say is that I didnt hear any complaints about the way you raise your kids..  That says that obviously you are a great mother!  Sometimes just having two children takes a lot of work! I am very sure that your " Grade" as a mother is a great big A+!! Not alot of people have such high standards of marrige and to know that you both have been working on your marrige for 7 years says that its worth it all.  As a at home mother of two children with a similar husband I know it isnt easy! The best advice I can give is to dedicate the kids nap time to yourself!  You will still have all that work waiting for you when they get up but with more energy and joy!  Besides I come up with different ways to make it all work in the end.  Even its cleaning most of the bathroom with the kids in the tub. You can sing them songs as you clean.  Another way is to let the toys stay out all day and right before your husband gets home play a game to see who can clean up the most toys in a specified time limit.  Last thing...  It stuk in my head that he wants to take you out to a movie and your too tired to go.. Maybe he can pick up some movies on his way home (along with dinner) and you can put the kids to bed early and make that time for the two of you! Thanks for showing america that marrige isnt always easy, but still in the end we make it! 

 I am so sad as I write this message after seeing the Kelly episode tonight. I have been living with almost the identical situation since I have been married, a little over a year now and also married to an Electrical Engineer....perhaps Dr. Phil should have a special show on professionals and personality types :> I am, or should I say I was, a very gregarious person, quite funny, with lots of friends, laughing at almost anything and nothing at all...I cannot remember the last time I laughed since I have been married. My husband is very critical of everything I do. I make meals for him (I cook great by the way, even he would admit this), he has breakfast, lunch (packed and ready to go for him) every day, the house is clean (not perfect, but clean), I try to do little things to make him happy like write him notes sometimes, call him in the middle of the day to tell him I love him...However, I still don't seem to do everything just the right way. Everyday he critisizes something I do, maybe I could have cooked a healthier meal, maybe I did not pack the food just right in the fridge, maybe there is a better way to vacuum so that I get all the dust this time (he will stand there and show me how and then ask me to do it so he can see how well I have learnt), he is always trying to teach me a better way to do things. I feel like this is not my house as well, everything is his and I just facilitate his living. I do not feel like I have a marraige. I constantly ask him for more affection...like  a hug in the evening when we see each after a long day. He often just walks in and goes straight to his room to change or shower, no word to me at all, no acknowledgement that I even live there, or that the 4 course meal I laid out on the table or the great smells from it is any good. I long for just a hug most days...a look, something that says the love is alive in our marriage. However, if he has had a bad day, if he is preoccupied about something (and it is always something) he cannot focus on more that one thing at a time, so affection, talking to me...everything thing else suffers. I wonder if this will ever change or if I should get out before we have any kids. I am so sorry I have to think these things, but I am afraid that I will never smile or feel attractive (did I mention he never tells me I look good) or feel anything good about myself. My selfesteem is low. My thoughts are that men like this will never change, that they cannot multitask, that they must control their environments, and no matter how sad their partner is or how much they claim to love them, they will never be able to let go of who they are, they are incapable of having any fun in life. My husband has no friends, he works and works and works and then has dinner and sleeps and then works. I feel lost.

 I am mother of 2 wonderful men.
One of them is about to be married soon.  The lessons I have always taught my boys is treat your girlfriend or wife with respect and kindness.  You should share all the work that includes raising the kids, cleaning the house, grocery shopping , taking care of budgeting and finances.
marriage is a partnership. and most important of all marry someone for who they are and love them for that. do not ever try to change or improve anyone except for your self.

I am happy to say my boys are very happy men whom because of their attitude will have a happy marriage-  I am sure of this.

But mothers need to teach their sons theses lessons so they will have happy and successful relationships.  If you want your sons to be with smart intelligent loving women- then women like that are going to expect the best from the men in their lives, because the women will have choices.

It is such a simple formula.  what don't more people get "IT"

 I watched the show tonight and I was very upset to hear that a man like Grant can have so many expectations for a woman that he supposildy loves and shares children with.  I am very curios to know if he has been this way since the day they got maried or if it is something that has happened since they became huband and wife? I was very bothered by the way he feels about his wife, Kelly. I, personally, think that when you get married you are marrying that person for who they are and not for who you think they should be. The part that bothers me the most was the feact that Grant does not wear his wedding ring anymore due to resentments upon Kelly. How can he resent her? She is doing everything that a loving wife and mother should do and I don't think she should be punished for something that she feels is right. No one will ever agree on everything in their relationship. But there is no reason to make someone feel like he makes her feel. She said she was happy about her decisions. Therefore I believe that he should have a heart and put himself in her shoes and realize where she is coming from and how she came to the conclusion that her decisions are right for her. Kelly has faults of her own but there is nothing that can compare to Grant's expections of her. I was married once and I will tell you that no matter how many problems you mave have your wedding ring is a symbol of your love for one another and if that ring comes off, the marriage is over first and the divorce papers are signed. I hope that Dr. Phil can save their marriage and help Grant to understand that his ways are not normal and that he needs to lighten up and grow up and realize you cant have your cake and eat it too!!! 

Michelle 

  Kelly, 

  

You must get out of this marriage, not for yourself, but for your children.  They will never be able to do anything right for their father.  He will only do severe emotional damage to them over the years.  You can learn to live without this man.  He definitely doesn't understand humans.  For you, I think it would be a terrible waist for you to spend the next 50 years with this man.  He will only squeeze all the happiness and joy out of your soul as well as your children.  They do not deserve this.  Be brave enough to get out immediately.  It will be easier to acknowledge that you made a mistake marrying this man, and to go on alone,  but to stay with him for life would be awful.  Dr. Phil should have addressed your children in this situation. 

I just have to say that defining a "wifes role" is not what marriage is about.  If there is a wife role, then there must be a husband role.  However, in marriage the role is to be a TEAM.  The role is to love each other unconditionally and be best friends and treat each other as you would your own best friend and to allow for human error.....mistakes.  that is how God intended us to be.  Not perfect.  and we have to accept that about our partners, our friends, our parents, etc.   Grant needs to accept his wife the way she is and throw out his lists of demands and allow himself to love her the way he should.  He needs to think of her as his best friend. 

Agree with you Julie... we do not know what the home really looks like and what one individual considers clean or a job well done, it's only that individual's opinion.  I often have my friends comment on the fact that my house looks like a "model home" or as if no one lives here.  The reality is that everything gets done right before they come over and in my eyes my home "has greater potential".  Bottom line is that you mentioned the "inner workings of their relationship" and that is something we do not know unless we are a part of that relationship.  In my opinion, after I heard some of the 'business lingo' and comments from Grant as it relates to what I go through every day at work, I felt as if he was trying to apply "Performance Management" logic to his wife instead of focusing on the relationship itself, compromising, etc. I also felt that his views were unrealistic to the day and age that we live in and he has some maturing to do.  Luckily, I think he realized what he was doing wrong and believe he and his wife will work on making changes based on Dr. Phil's advice.  

Cheers! 

dear doctor phil my name is brandon lawson i live in salt lake city utah i have live here all my life at only being 19 years old i guss you could say i have a loot of insite on lov and how a ladie should be treated so here it is. i think a ladie should be treated with respect no matter what and a man should never love a women for her looks and should love a women by what she has inside like a good personality, good sennes of hummor,and her smartness i never fell in love because i'm always fixing somone i knows relationship problems. 

  

p.s. my new nickname that i got in the last week by my friends and famliy is doctor phil#2