Topic : 02/21 More Wifestyles

Hey Julie, 

Thanks for posting that little bit about Kiefer. 

I see where choosing just to be happy, and doing whatever it takes, can crowd people out of your life that don't share your same enthusiasms. Would you choose to be tidy, organized, sane but lonely - or would you welcome chaos, clutter and the frustration of being unorganized that comes with being a people person? Some days it is a very difficult choice to make.  

Thanks for staying in touch. 

Grant. 

The message I'm getting from your post is that you need to be tidy and organized in order to be happy, and you recognize that by choosing to do whatever it takes to be that - tidy, organized and happy - you can crowd people (your wife) out of your life unless she shares your entusiasm for being tidy and organized.   And some days that is a very difficult choice for you to make.   

Have you ever considered that whatever it is in you that makes you put so much focus on your need to be tidy and organized to be "sane" is comparable to an anorexic who needs to control and focus on her weight in order to be "sane"?  Or a hoarder who needs to keep everything in order to be "sane"?   

There are a lot of hot and rich - but unhappy - people in this world who would trade the hot and the rich in a heartbeat for the ability to get "it".   

Not forever....maybe a long weekend in the mountains! LOL! 

Of course, I'd have to accept hubby getting his weekend with the redhead from CSI!! 

I know that there has to be a happy place between what I perceive to be two extremes. 

On the one hand, I see the granola people from Berkeley that hold no expectations for anything or anyone and are content with another day to love the world. These people just experience life as it unfolds in front of them. I think these are the parents that don't monitor their kids at the playground and let other parents handle the kids pushing at the top of the slide, fighting over the swings, and other unacceptable behaviors. I have often wondered if they would prevent their kids from running into the street (of course they would). These are the folks that don't really care what their world looks like or how it is organized. I think these people have a strong affinity for Subaru cars and Internet cafes. I look at how relaxed these people appear to be and think "that would be nice". They genuinely seem to be happy with how things are. There lifestyle seems a little to casual and free-form for my liking. At an extreme, I think they are a little too close to the reality/fantasy land border. The Fockers, from "Meet the Fockers", are this type of people. 

I don't know what to call the folks that live at the other end of the spectrum. I think people are eluding to the idea that Kiefer is a little like this extreme with his cigarettes squared with is nightstand. I think these people are very directed in what they set out to accomplish. I think attorneys, engineers, surgeons, law enforcement and military people fall under this umbrella. I think a downside to this lifestyle is a lack of flexibility to life circumstances. After years of living a Saturday morning routine, I know people, in this category, that nearly slip an o-ring if they get pressured to see a grandkid playing a soccer game. I think these people are like the Burns, again from "Meet the Fockers".  

There has to be a happy medium - one that is unique for everyone. I imagine that people like the Fockers will tend to outlive the Burns' because their lives are more relaxed and they are probably happier people. I think it would be really really cool to have a room where everything was placed just like I wanted it. This idea might really seem strange to a lot of people, but people build elaborate gardens in their yards around this very principle. Zen gardens, from the kiosks in the mall, are a cheap fix for this kind of ambition. Depending on if I feel more stress at home or at work, I have a little rock garden that I move from place to place.  

Kelly and I are working through Relationship Rescue. I got a little sidetracked in the first chapters and spent a lot of time getting things sorted out. We want to work through the 14-Day couple thing together - that's our goal. Does anyone have a success story or other words of encouragement to offer about this process? 

Grant. 

Kelly and I were up at my parents house last night, picking up the kids from Grandma and Grandpa who babysat while we went to see the Sentinel (starring Kiefer Sutherland, and others, how ironic). The Dr. Phil subject came up after a while. The question was raised "So Grant, is anything good coming out of this experience for you? Do you just love the attention?" I guess the E Channel did a little spoof on me talking about my wedding ring. I haven't seen it, but a family friend said it was funny.  

I think something good is coming from this experience. Let me condense for you the answer I gave my parents (that consumed nearly two hours). 

People say you can not control the world around you and you can't demand perfection. Saying the words 'can't' and 'impossible' to an engineer is asking for a fight. If you tell me something is impossible and can not be done then I'll tell you that you either haven't thought about it long enough or you aren't smart enough to figure it out. Just about anything is possible. I think that some of the wild ideas don't get off the drawing board because of two other words: reasonable and practical. As human beings, we have invested hundreds of years in controlling our environment to suit us. If something is a concern to me, there are countless things I can do to see that it is taken care of. I can put in place redundant backup plans. I am fairly certain that if it is important enough to you, you can make it happen. (I'll never win American Idol so there are limits).  

What I have recently learned is that frequently the energy and resources that controlling my surrounding to my wishes would require are prohibitive. I just don't have enough time to be on top of every little thing that I could worry about. Even if I wanted to do that, my life would be a neurotic ruin if I micromanaged everything that I would like to. That is one of the big things I have learned from this experience. I don't buy a lot of the psycho analytical stuff - it is too soft and squishy. I can conceptualize that each of has 'X' amount of energy to spend how we choose. I could foolishly choose to play man to man on everyone of my little concerns and probably die at 45 from stress related heart failure. I am working on backing off a little bit on the small stuff and choosing to engage where I think it matters most.  

To put it short: I won't ever agree that it is impossible - but it is certainly impractical. 

I have no great success story....don't hate me, but marriage has been pretty much a piece of cake. We did actually read Relationship Rescue before we got married.....WAY easier when you're still in the starry-eyed place. This was about 5 years ago, but the only specific thing I remember taking from it is how we handle money....that was very helpful.  

Another thing my husband and I decided after our first son was born, and we revisit whenever we have a petty spat, is that we both have a MORAL obligation to be happily married. Not just stick it out...but to be happy. We brought two children into this world together, and we absolutely owe it to them to create a happy home and to model a healthy relationship. This really helps me when I find myself getting petty or stressed about the small stuff.  

I can give you lots of encouragement - just by the fact that you are willing to go through all this emotional work (which can be much more difficult than any physical work) and challenge your own entrenched beliefs, makes me very hopeful that you and Kelly can get to the happy place. You seem to be letting go of being a "right" fighter and that's pretty amazing.  

Good luck to both of you.   

We saw The Sentinel last night, too! But the grandparents come to our house so the kiddies are asleep when we return :)   

Do you also see the impracticality of Kelly trying to micromanage and stay on top of all the details of her day? The emotional unpredictability and physical needs of three small children, maintaining the home, never mind trying to get ahead, cooking, laundry, etc. It's not that a SAHM can't do a good job with all of this and try to improve, but it's not realistic to expect all the balls in the air at the same time.    

AND, not only should she not try to micromanage herself to the point of exhaustion, YOU don't have the right to micromanage her day. That is the spirit of acceptance. Do you trust that if you let go, Kelly won't slide into a life of bon-bons and soap operas? Do you trust that Kelly has the emotional and moral integrity to choose how she expends her X amount of energy without taking advantage of you or neglecting her commitment to the well being of your family? I can tell you from experience that living with constant criticism and disapproval is exhausting. You may find that if you lighten up, Kelly may discover she has more energy because she is not wasting energy dealing with negative emotions (your favorite things - can't completely escape them - she is a girl!!)