Topic : 02/21 More Wifestyles

 I feel like there should not be any gender roles in todays marriages. It is the 21st century for crying out loud. Men can stay home and women can work or vice versa. Women Should Not Be Responsible For Houshold Cleaning. It should be a sharred responsiblity!

Today's show bothered me alot as a woman.  The last woman to have a little blurb said she feels she needs wife lessons to be this perfect wife.  I wish so much that women could realize that this person they wish to be has NEVER existed.  Television shapes our idea of what the perfect wife is supposed to be.  We see an episode of Leave it to Beaver or Donna Reed and suddenly we don't measure up.  Those are ideals that no one fits.  Marriage is a 50/50.  Your husband, if he did 100% of the work and you didn't work or go to school, then maybe it would be nice for you to have a spotless house and have dinner ready for him.  Or perhaps, you could make something of your life and go help the homeless.  Go volunteer to help needy children.  Not scrub the bathtub and cook all day.  This woman said, however that she works and goes to school....... I assume her husband does too.  That is a 50/50.... so why 100% of the chores on her end??? This makes no sense.   

  

  

Women, listen to me when I say that God did not put you on this earth to cook and clean.  Yes, those are things we all have to do, but that's just it -- we HAVE to.  We must cook, clean and launder our clothes in order to have a productive life -- but it is NOT your life.  You and your husband are equally responsible.  He married a woman, not a maid.   

  

You are alive.  You are here to make a difference in someone's life.  Trust me, your clean house is not furthering society.  GEt over the dust bunnies, let the laundry pile up a little and go out into the world and make a difference.  Go help someone who needs it.  Your husband will appreciate that more than any meal you could ever cook.  If he doesn't, ditch him.   

I feel if a person has their priorities straight( God first, spouse second, then children, and then so on) everything will fall into place and if it doesn't, it doesn't matter.  This has worked for me and my husband for 39 years. 

I don't think that Grant will ever change. He is who he is as well as she is who she is. Until they figure out who they are they don't have a chance. And to put this short and to the point, this is not Ozzie and Harriett years. A husband can get off his butt as well and help do things. We women do not have to cater to their every wim! I get so sick and tired of people and their trying to live in a fantasy world. Things have changed in this world, and people just need to accept this!

I worry about these gals as I have walked in their shoes and I almost had a nervous breakdown trying to be all things to all people.  I had one of those husbands that came home most nights with a case of the Whys.  You know why are there dishes in the sink, why are there toys on the floor, why this why that..................  I got to the point that I was frantically running around the house trying to make everything perfect - trust me it was as close to it as was humanly possible without any kids involved right down to vacuming walking backwards out of a room to not leave any foot prints on the area rugs (scarry when I think of it now) so that he wouldn't find fault with anything.  Then it would be something with dinner or the kids or anything.  The car wasn't parked right!   

  

I had, at the time a 8 year old, a one year old, taking care of a house with all marble floors, professionally entertaining and on this board and that board to set the right example and make the right impression to help my husband's career. 

  

I waited too long to make the changes and after 25 years I said - OK you have your great career, great life and home I have made for us, two pretty great kids, what about me?  Deal breaker - there wasn't ever going to be a me. 

  

I am seperated now after he cheated and had an affair for over a year without telling me.  Do I feel used up - you bet.  I've got nothing except some stuff to show for all those years and I am looking at  both kids being out of the house soon and I don't have the future that I thought I would it is all gone. 

  

Am I angry - you bet - do I own it? Yes.  Am I trying to change it? Yes.  But it is real hard to try to understand that he and his girlfriend aren't the source of my anger - I got screwed! 

 Wow, i have so much imput on this subject. I am not married so what i say can be easily thrown away as no experience plus the fact that I am only 20 is going to make people who've been married for 30 years laugh, too. I have a fiance Scott whom I've lived with in our apartment for 1 1/2 years. I love him very much and he loves me back. We like to joke that he came pretrained.

Scott is the type of man who will disagree with something I believe in or something that I want (ie kitchen curtains) and he might voice his opinion once or twice but the conversation always ends up with him saying "Yes Dear." in a loving tone. He's figured out that it doesn't matter if he wins or not just that I'm happy. I know he really doesn't mean "Yes Dear" but because he thinks that my happiness is more worth it than him winning I feel justified and loved and am able to move on. I think that this is something that most men need to adopt.

Okay, as far as finances go, Scott and I go through them together. I believe that it is very important that both spouces understand their financial situation. My father is an alcoholic and he refuses to help my mother with the finances and because he is not aware of anything, he thinks it is okay that he spends as much as he wants.

My definition of a wife is someone who always stands behind her husband. There are so many women who I talk to and they complain about their husbands, sometimes right in front of him and/or his friends and family. I think that a lot of women don't understand the sigificance of a man keeping his pride. If a man is able to have his pride, his attitude will reflect it. My mom taught me that. So even if your husband is completely obnoxious and rude, you always talk him up to family and firends like he's the best man on earth. The bible says "Life and death in the power of the toungue." If you tell everyone your husband is great then he will eventually live up to your expectations.

I think it's a good thing for men to be involved with keeping up the house and the yard. Yes, even if the wife is not a working woman, she needs time during the day to be with children and have time for herself. If a woman looses herself, she isn't going to be a great wife because she'll feel like she's being caged and held back even if that isn't the man's intention. Besides that fact, a man needs to be able to feel the same pride in his home as the wife does. Kids should also be a joint effort. I believe it is very important for men to be in their child's life as much as possible. Which means coming home, enjoying dinner with the family and then maybe just watch tv with everyone or help with homework.

Scott and I also do the shopping together. I just think that I'm lucky and if anyone disagrees with me I just hope that their lifestyle works for them as much as mine owrks for me.

Oh and by the way, I just thought that it was interesting that in the 10-15 minutes it took me to write this, over 100 people posted their replies to todays show. I guess it's gonna be hard for my message to get read.

If I was married to Grant I would be in the penatentary, because I would have already knocked him in the head. My husband and I have been married for 25 years and no it has not been without our problems, But he has never criticised me for anything. Not even when a hair doo makes me look like a french poodle, not when supper was a little tasteless. My husband and I placed our rings on each others fingers till death due us part and the only time my husband took his off was when it got shorted out on a started and melted into his finger. Right now we have a pink loveseat in our home and my husband happily moved it in.Not because he particulary liked it but it is what I liked. He does things that makes me mad as hell (Gambles all his money away) but it is an illness and I will not walk away from him because he is sick. He would not walk away from me for being ill (And never has) But then he don't treat me like a possesion

I may be a young man and I am probably far from marriage (unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) but I found it so touching at the end of the program when they showed this other wife with a similar dilemma. Her voice came out speaking and pictures of her husband and herself were shown, and she said she wanted to be a "1950's" housewife for her husband, and that she thinks it is wonderful for a woman to be able to take care of the kids, clean the house and have hot meals ready for him when he comes home. 

  

To me, it is enough for a woman to even STRIVE to accomplish such an overwhelming feat. This is what Grant needs to get through his cranium. A woman who tries to do all those things for her husband is absolutely amazing; the fact that she tries is as good an indicator as you will ever find of true love for your family, as well as personal responsibility. Still, the fact of the matter is, no person is a magician! No person can be the complete and utter epitome of ANYTHING!  

  

For Grant or any other husband to expect such perfection from his wife is as prosperous as it is outdated. Times have changed, and it is even harder for women to juggle all the balls without losing them. I know if I had a wife who tried as hard as Kelly, I would not reprimand her and tell her she needs to improve. She is doing the best she can given the circumstances! After all, they have a 3 year old child (are there more children?); these are clearly the most challenging years of all. A woman who does all of the above is not only deserves her love reciprocated, but deserves appreciation. By taking her on national television and telling her everything that is wrong with her, Grant could not be further away from achieving this goal if a spring launched him into outer space. 

  

Indeed, coming home when your wife makes you a big, elaborate dinner out of love and wanting to please you, and wearing an opaque, unemotional expression and telling her you got a sandwich instead (and if you didn't know she made it, eat some and show your appreciation at least!) is absolutely hideous. That is just like a child getting a 92 on a test and the parent saying that could have been 100 instead. When are you ever going to be satisfied? Doing something like that to your wife, when she has only tried to please you, is like taking a woman's gut out, throwing it in the street, and running over it with an SUV. It takes a woman's very vulnerability, her very soul, and shatters it.  

  

And this is just one important thing Grant has done to crush Kelly's spirit. How can she ever be the "perfect" wife and "perform" her duties to perfection when she never receives the love and appreciation she deserves for all she has done. Grant is not smart enough to realize it (and by the look of things, never will be), but the only way to ever make Kelly feel secure and to turn her frown into a smile is to essentially communicate to her "hey, I know this is a hard time for you and life is tough for both of us right now, but don't forget that I love you and appreciate you." A woman like Kelly is essentially in desperate need of her husband to do such simple things! Love and appreciation need to SHOW THEMSELVES! Women need to see that! Grant would be shocked at how things could change for the better if only he appreciated the GOOD things Kelly does, rather than focusing on the negative. How can she POSSIBLY feel secure when he takes the route he is now taking? The answer is clear as day. 

So true, so true!  I pretty much said the same thing!  I like the way you think.  My sister has 3 boys, and I help raise 2 of them, my mom has the other.  And let me tell you, even with a 6 year old that is capable of doing plenty, it is still hard.  They have needs too, and your needs are the sacrifice when you decide to have children.  Grant needs to realize that he is a father and a husband, not just a paycheck.  It's time to get plugged in to this family.  I don't even remember seeing any shots of him with the kids at all???  I remember him standing over Kelly like she is in boot camp.  His prioroties need to change. 

  

By no means am I saying that Grant is a bad person.  Just very misguided and confused about what is reality and what isn't.   

Dear Dr. Phil, 

  

I was so disappointed in your advice to Grant and Kelly.  I cannot believe you were so at a loss ... Get a hold of yourself,  just  have Grant take his list of 75 must dos,  take 10 days off work, stay home and perform them all ...himself ... excellently.  Give Kelly the grade card.   

  

He might not get "it".  But he will certainly get over it and himself.   

  

Send Kelly out each day for a well earned break to do volunteer work where her effors were highly valued, then to come home each night to a perfect supper, be bop dancing and cuddling to a movie. 

  

Talking to Grant is like explaining red to a person who is color blind.   

  

He has no ability to comprehend that perfection is impossible with the constant interruptions of small children. Since he has no need for the comfort of an accepting and sypathetic relationship,  he doesn't know how to give that either! 

  

I was married to a Dr. Spock for 20 years.  One day,  the first love of my life called me.  He set me back up on my feet, again,  made me laugh again, told me I was perfect and verbally restored me better than  any woman might dream.  I gave my husband an ultimatum,  cut the critism,  make a stab at being kind to me or I was going to leave him and marry my old friend. 

  

Funny how quickly he got "it" then when losing me was on the horizon.  My old husband is now brand new he brings me flowers every week and beautiful cards.  The more I make him behave like he loves me,  the more sure of it he becomes. 

  

Love you and your show, 

  

Susan Browne