Topic : 02/21 More Wifestyles

I was mesmerized today.  All the advice felt like it was coming straight for me.  In my family, I am the primary care giver and home keeper.  I do work part time.  My husband works 40 hrs per week.  We agree that since our family comes first, he needs to be included in most if not all areas of our life, including home and family care.  We both have jobs, but our family is our career and we need to be responsible.   

My problem, like Kelly, there is too much to do and choices to be made.  I can never seem to get a great grip on all of it no matter how much I want it. 

Like Grant, I am a control freak!  I believe there is an efficient way do get things done.  Efficiency is important to me because it means that it will take less time to get things done well.  I agree with Grant that there are things wives should know when becoming a wife, but I also believe anyone in a family should know most of those things on his list. 

I know my husband feels like Kelly.  I know he wonders why I even married him if I feel the way I make him think I feel about him,  I do and say things that are hurtful and controlling.  Honestly, I don't even feel the love anymore, just frustration, loneliness and a feeling of being overwhelmed.  Why would he want to do nice things for me! 

How do I reconcile these two parts to become whole, nicer, less controlling, but more in control of myself? 

My husband is a full time student and works part time.  I stay at home full time with our children, ages 3 and 1.  Generally, I do my best to keep the house functioning.  I feel that is my responsibility.  I believe that mother's have the power to make a happy home.  That doesn't always mean it is clean or that there is dinner on the table at a decent hour.  But, it does mean that we love the most.  I try to remember to kiss my husband when he comes home and ask him about his day.  I try to tell him about the funny things he missed that day with our kids.  I try to support him in every way I feel I can.  He returns the favor.  If the house is a disaster when my husband comes home, he always helps put it in order.  I don't even have to ask, but I always express my appreciation for his help.  We have individual goals, but we work together to make those things happen.  My goal is to have a home where a visitor could drop by and not be shocked by the disaster before them.  My husband helps me achieve that goal.  Do I feel that a full time homemaker should take a lot of responsibility for the functionality of the home?  Absolutely!  However, that includes so many areas, I would be overwhelmed every day without the help of my husband.   

First, my husband didn't wear his wedding ring after six months...because he never wore a ring before and it bothered him......so be it.    Second, my husband felt his job was to bring home the money and mine was...well you know.  However, at times through the years my monetary contribution did help.  Anyway this made for lots of bad feelings, resentments.  However, he didn't care what I did with the house and it shows, except for a dining room table he wanted, everything in this house is me.  Not a good partnership which brings me to my final comment.  We've raised 3 children, all grown now and am now raising or being raised by three Scottish Terriers., Finn and Haddie, and puppy Fergus.  Working on a website for them today I came upon this observation....The Scottie lives with you as a partner, and although you may provide food and shelter, he sees this simply as your contributiobn to the partnership.  .Aside from this ,a dog's love is unconditional and I guess this isn't so many with humans.  Grant has a lot of work to do with his attitude, however it bothers me that his wife keeps saying she'll try to do better..:-( 

I watched the follow up show today with a feeling of Deja Vu.   My EX (NOTE EX) husband never was satisfied with anything I did.   He had his standard and looking back I can see that regardless of how hard I tried we never would have lived up to his expectations.   It really didn't matter that I worked full time and went to college full time (graduated with honors).   He felt my priority should have been him and what ever issue he was obsessing about (laundry one day,  money the next, dusting the next, etc) 

My breakthrough came when I realized that I was satisfied with my effort and that the biggest stress in my life was my ex's criticism.   I started laughing again, mostly at myself, and most importantly living again.   Soon after this breakthrough and at a session with our marriage counselor, he stood up announced he wanted a divorce and told me that I was so screwed up I would need counseling for ever.   My gosh....what a GIFT!!!!   I no longer had to try to fix something that I had no control over.   The relief was immediate.  I remember looking at my counselor and just cracking up laughing.   In the meantime he was diagnosed with OCD and I am glad I am out of the marriage and don't have to deal with him or his issues ever again. 

 You have to be happy in your skin and live up to your expectations! 

I am wondering why Dr. Phil did not ask Grant if he really wants to be married, if his not wearing his wedding band doesn't really mean that he doesn't want anyone to know he is married.  I think that his demands of Kelly, his refusal to wear his wedding band and his not  "getting it", are just pushes to force Kelly to kick him out.  I don't think he has the guts to leave her, although that is what he wants, and he will continue to push her buttons until she doesn't love him anymore and forces him out.  Then he can say  "I tried, but she just didn't love me, it's not my fault". 

I think the fact that he no longer wants to be married was glaring to me. 

Dr. Phil is by and large a behavioral psychologist with a real-life approach. I agree with most of his advice to Grant, but apparently the good doctor is knocking his head against a wall. This guy has a long way to go and his humanity has been replaced with a motherboard. No, I don't have to just "like this guy," because he's making another human being miserable and possibly replicating his machine-like approach with his children.  

IMy knee jerk reaction is to tell Kelly to run likes she's never run before and take those kids with her. However, I can't believe that Dr. Phil hasn't put some of his behavioral know-how to work. All of the talk in the world isn't going to get through to this guy and Kelly needs to grow a backbone. Where were the questions concerning Grant's deficits as a father and husband? Couldn't he earn more? Can he play sports? Couldn't he be better looking and not such a drag? 

Here's what I suggest. Send Kelly to a spa or at the very least to a relative's house for a minimum of five days. She tells Grant to take the time off (long weekend, whatever). It's not a request, but a demand. Then he becomes Mr. Mom, 100 percent! Then use his own checklist against him and please don't forget the angle of those mops and brooms behind the pantry door.  

If this doesn't work, her next step should be out the door and straight to a lawyer. Let him live the life of a very lonely priggish bachelor for the rest of his life. 

Watching this show really has gotten me to think, I have been a wife for 11 years. I never had this kind of marriage. But, I know my Father is this way towards my Mom. Which to me is hard to not see what affects it has on her. 

   To me a wife, depending on her role in support of the family. As working full time or part time.  

 A. If she is working full time, 

 1.  She should come home and start fixing dinner. 

 2. Help children with school work or taking care of toddlers, take care of the animals. 

3. Clean up after dinner. 

4. Clean house if needs to be done. ( Me, I use to clean a room a day so on my weekends I would have time with my husband.) 

 5. But, then I think she should be able to relax.  

Now for a home stay or part time wife. 

 1. Should have dinner started. 

 2. Wash dishes and put away 

3. Have the house most ly straighten up and or clean. IF she is home most of the time or all the time. She should be able to clean a room a day. Then pick up the rest of the day the little things of life. 

4. Help or care for children or animals. 

C. Husbands on my thoughts. 

1. I think husbands should take care of vehicles. 

2. Should take care of the yard. 

3. Fix things in the house or yard. 

4. help with taking care of garbage and picking up dirty dishes. They should do their part in helping with picking up things. Specially when they dirty it. 

   My ex husband,  

1. Cleanned bathrooms. 

2. Put dirty dishes up where they belonged. Sink or dishwasher . 

3. Washed clothes and folded them. 

4. Cut the grass. 

5. Cooked meals and did clean up. 

My current soon to be husband. 

1. Takes the garbage out. 

2. Takes care of the vehicle. 

3. Takes care of the yard. 

4. Takes care of the pets. 3 cats and 1 dog 

5. Picks up after himself. 

6. Does sweep and vacum if REALLY needs it.