Topic : 02/21 More Wifestyles

Today watching the show i seen that Dr.Phil had message boards. I am an 18 yr old girl pregnant at 16. My daughter is a year old now. Her father is very controlling I have no privacy and i know that he loves me and that doesnt really bother me but he is 23 years old and he does not help me out with our daughter we go to parties he just takes off and i do not have the patience. This drives me nuts every single day i want to be one of those deticated stay at home mothers who i think are amazing. I cannot do it i just cannot manage to have the control to clean my house and cook food but i want to learn how to get myself into doing these things? Also we live in a 2 bedroom apartment and his father lives with us and that is just well a story in itself! If any one has any tips for me that would be highly appreciated. Thank You So Much 

Hello, it would seem that Grant is more interested in a boss/employee relationship where he is in control and she "won't get paid " if she doesn't do what is in her job description.  He needs to be reminded of give & take, and don't sweat the small stuff!!! 

Maybe he should go on 'Wife Swap' and be given a real doozy of a schlepp....walk in someone else's shoes for a while. 

  

Thanks 

When I was first married and having children, I felt like Kelly in that I wasn't sure how to divvy up my time between childcare and housework.  I know my husband was frustrated with the state of the house at times, although he denied it.  We did have discussions over how I divided my time between him and the baby.  (He felt like I was only happy to have him around because it gave me a break from the baby.)  I cooked occasionally, cleaned occasionally, and barely kept up with the laundry.  I felt bad about my abilities at times, not because of my husband, but because of my own desire to be as perfect as I remembered my own mother being. 

  

Now, 13 years and 5 children later, I have achieved a better balance.  I have developed a cleaning schedule for myself, cook meals most of the time, and have learned how to let the kids play by themselves more often, rather than being their primary source of entertainment.  That way, I even have some time to myself.  If someone is sick, then everything goes to the dogs, but I know that in a few days I can get back on track.   

  

Luckily my husband has always been very supportive and unflinching during the "getting back on track" days.  He does the dishes as often as I do, (which is practically never because we have capable children now) and he takes care of whatever else I need him to do.  He also takes care of his pet peeves, like burnt out lightbulbs, that I somehow never seem to notice.   Basically, he believes that I am doing all I can do and he picks up the slack.   

  

I think that as I've increased my responsibilities (with more kids) I've become more efficient so that I can now accomplish more housework than I used to with just one child.  I still try to improve, but it is so that I can have time for more fun stuff . . . not just to please my husband.  

  

So my hope for Grant is that he can have faith in his wife, remember why he married her, and trust that she is on her way to becoming a superwoman whose capabilities will eventually exceed those of his own supermom.  And I hope that he will relax his expectations and help out in the meantime.   

  

My hope for Kelly is that she can have faith in herself and feel good about what she does each day so that she can stand up to Grant and confidently say "do the dishes, iron your shirts, change the baby's diaper, I've done enough work for the day." 

  

  

Dear Dr. Phil,
Today, on the show with Grant and Kelly, you said something that outraged me!
"The home is almost, the wife's domain." You then went on to explain that whatever the wife feels is good for the home, the husband should accept it. It also seemed like you were giving the example of, you should lie through your teeth if you have to, because it isn't a large battle to pick. I agree in that it is not a huge deal. But the home is something shared. Home needs to be somewhere that everyone in the family loves, even if it is just a family of husband and wife.
Painting the kitchen pink was a little extreme, I feel like the house should be neutral colors, or decorated in a ways that are agreed on by both members of the relationship.
My parents work together as a team. Their relationship works so well because they consult each other with everything. My mother would never paint their bedroom pink, because like the rest of the home, it's shared with my father, and he has a say in his our  home as well as my sister and I do.
I normally agree with most things that you say Dr. Phil, but today I was very dissappointed that you would support decorating the home a one-sided decision.
I would like it if you could re-think this suggested matter.
Sincerely,
Anna  

  

I'm only 16, so I do not know much about marriage, but I know that that can't be right! 

  It almost made me want to cry when I saw Kelly's story, I cannot believe how low Grant is putting her.  He is a selfish, self-centered jerk!!!  I noticed that his putting Kelly down resulted in her low self esteem.  She is wondering whether she is good enough for him?  The answer to this is, HE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER.  She is a beatiful, hard working woman, who besides all this is passive, and still accepts him even after everything he put her through.  Most shocking was the not wearing the wedding ring and that ridiculous list.  He is just an idiot, he should look at what he has, and APPRECIATE it like there's no tomorrow.  If he was with me, he would be walking the thinnest line, and if slipped he would have been long gone.  Kelly allows him too much, and he takes advantage of it.  Grant should come down to earth and starting looking at life realistically rather than floating in clouds.   

   The role of wife: 

          clean, wash, and cook, because most likely no one will do it better anyway, but a husband  

          should understand that sometimes it's impossible to get everything done, instead appreciate 

          when it is done, and help out when it's not.  Many women now have a lot more  

           responsabilities than just "making their husbands happy".  It should be a priority for her only  

           if it is a priority for him to help and appreciate everything she does.   

  

                                       

I'm sure your second sentence was missing a "not" as in "...able to do this" but - she isn't so lucky if she's supposed to live up to his expectations.  Lots of stay-at-home parents would love to have the freedom to go out & about to have some adult company. 

  

Dr. Phil did interpret that Grant's frustration comes from inside himself but he didn't offer him any professional help to address the origin and resolution. 

  

Bah! 

  

At the end of the show, Dr. Phil asked for people to post their ideas of what the role of a wife should be. Here's mine: 

  

The role of a wife is exactly the same as the role of a husband! Be kind to your spouse, be a PARTNER, not master or servant. Both should agree on who should do what jobs, but keep in mind that running a household is AT LEAST a 16 hours a day, seven days a week job with extra work on holidays, and taking care of children is a 24 hour job with no vacations. Stay at home parents are often forced to do both of these, with their "working" partners getting out of helping by being "tired" when they get home from their paying jobs. I'm sure these people are tired after a hard day at work, but so is the stay-at-home parent!  

  

I absolutely LOVE that you had a stay-at-home dad on the show, Dr. Phil! Too often both women and men are treated with disrespect if they do "womens' work." Society treats people like they are only worthwhile if they go out and get a "man's job." How can women ever hope to be treated equally and fairly if we keep letting men think running a household and raising children is a lesser job? Somebody needs to do that job, and men who are willing to rise up to it should be applauded (and so should women!)  

  

As for Grant, he really needs to try doing his wife's job for a long period of time. My theory is that he will spend so much time putting the dishes in the dishwasher the right way, the kids will have burnt the house down by the time he notices them. 

  

And speaking of his kids, is he as strict with them as he is with his wife? Every child I have ever, ever known who came from an extremely strict household immediately became pregnant or got someone pregnant, started boozing, smoking, partying, and doing heavy drugs the second they got out of reach of their controlling parent(s). Wasn't it Dr. Phil himself who said half of all kids in juvenile correctional facilities came from homes that were too strict?    

Grant's focus is so much on what's wrong with his wife that he doesn't seem to even notice that he's a control freak and does not demonstrate any compassion or love for her.  This looks like an uphill battle for her--she's beautiful and there are guys out there that would appreciate her and accept her as she is--AND proudly wear a wedding ring.  Unless Grant does a lot of soul-searching and really takes to heart the coaching he's received from Dr. Phil, I think his wife is doomed to be the object of his unreasonable expectations and contempt.  She needs to learn to love herself and right now it's not happening living with this overbearing totalitarian. 

  

  

 At the end of today's show, Dr. Phil asked, "What makes a good wife?" The answer is different for everyone. I believe what makes a good wife, is the same thing that makes a good husband. It has absolutely nothing to do with how well a person can clean or cook or place furniture. It's about being honest and trustworthy, kind and caring. It's all about putting the other person first and doing whatever you can to make their life better. It doesn't take a rocket scientist or an electrical engineer for that matter to see that by putting your spouse first you will reap what you have sewn. relationships are about compromise, acceptance, faith, and understanding. Setting goals is a great way to gage your life but you have to set those goals together and be willing to reevaluate them if they are causing a conflict.
My fiance is fond of saying that we are a team. Not just the two of us but my daughters as well. We all work together to get the household chores done so that we have time for fun. My fiance does not know how to cook so either I cook or my girls cook. I have a dust allergy so my fiance cleans while I mow the grass. Things are not perfect but we work as a team and live by the golden rule...it's that simple!

 I think in someways Kelly helped create this monster. Before there are children alot of men are the center ofthe world. But more often then not after the kids that is not the case. My Husband new what he was getting. And if Grant knew Kelly was not going to be "THe perfect  wife" he always wanted he never should have asked the poor girl to marry him. 

I am lucky the only thing my Hubby actually only expects of me is I keep the check book balanced. There are days I can't do much because of health reasons there are days I just I don't feel like it. But most days I do what is needed. Sometimes I do more, but that is because my Hubby works 12 hour nights 4 or 5 days a week.  And yes I do spoil him , but if I do not get something done, he knows he just better say It's ok or no biggie.  

But in return I like to travel and go to concerts and meet up with freinds. I can't drive long distances, so he drives. He may not always like it but it is give and take and we enjoy our time together. He has already driven me as far as Nashville and we live in PA.