Topic : 02/21 More Wifestyles

Unfortunately for me, I missed most of the show. But I saw the last 2 minutes, and saw when Dr. Phil said to post on the website about my idea of the perfect wife. While I have never posted on here before, I wanted to say my opinion on the matter.First, let me start with my situation. I am 33 years old, male, and married with a single daughter. My wife is younger than me by 7 years. My daugter is about to turn 4. My wife is legally blind, having only one working eye (and it does not work too well).I have major expectations of my wife. They are as follows : To be herself, and to be my wife, and the mother of my daughter.That's it. Simple? No, I know it is alot of work. Because my wife expects the exact same of me. To be myself, to be her husband, and to be the father of her daughter.The perfect wife is just that - a wife. You cannot be a wife without having a husband. It is a pairing, you are a couple. Her job is to fill in the gaps that you cannot fill, and yours is to fill the gaps in her abilities.I am the only working person in my family. So my wife takes care of the house and my daughter while I work. No, the dishes are not done daily (though she does get them done), and I often cook when I come home after work (she cannot easily see when meat is cooked). But she tries, and she keeps the house working and running in my absence throughout the day. She does this, and I expect it, because I am not there, so I cannot do it.Likewise, because she cannot drive (due to her eyesight), I am responsible for running the errands, and cleaning the hard-to-see spots, and other things she cannot.Basically, what I am trying to say, is the definition of a "Perfect Wife" is different for each person, and is the same for a "Perfect Husband". She is your compliment, to make you a complete couple. You are hers. You both have to compliment each other.I love my wife, and she is my perfect wife. We share several interests, and we split the work in the most logical and best way for both of us.I am not sure if I got my point across or not, as I tend to rant. My wife is the better writer of the two of us. Alas, she is not here right now. So, rant I shall, and rant I did.Thanks for letting me rant.Richard

First of all I can't believe what I saw on the show today!   Does grant think he can keep a wife this way?   Dr. Phil, you should have shredded that list of 75 things he wants his wife to do.   I don't think you told him what he needed to do to change.   Grant needs to understand that a stay at home wife's job is 10 times harder than his job will ever be.   He needs to come home and give his wife the biggest hug and kiss everyday and tell her how much he does not deserve her.   He needs to help around the house.   If he wants something the way he wants it, he should get up and do it himself.   Grant makes all men seem like lazy,useless people that can't do anything for themselves.   Making her feel like a wife and a lover is to help her around the house and not to tell her that she is doing a bad job.   Please tell him the truth! 

  

                                                                                Chris 

I saw the show today and heard Dr. Phil say he'd been married 30 years and you should always agree with your wife.  I hope he wasn't serious. As a wife who has stayed home by choice since the first of my  four boys were born 30 years ago, I disagree and I have been married 35 years.  I continue to stay home by choice and I agree with Grant on many things.   My husband and I sort chores.  I do almost everything inside and we share outside depending on who has more time.  I feel good enough about myself that if my husband criticizes me, I consider it and if I agree, I try to see his way.  If I don't agree, we talk about it and I explain.  I sometimes (however rarely) change things in the house without talking it over with him.  Many times he doesn't care.  But when he does, we reach a mutual decision about the change.  I think everyone was too hard on Grant.  I agreed with many things he said.  If Kelly was confident about herself as a person and was holding up her end of the chores, she wouldn't get so defensive.  I am not a submissive wife.  We have a mutual relationship.  I do feel that since I choose to stay home, every burden I can take away from my husband, I do because I want to make life easier on him.  I handle the money, the repairs, the cooking, cleaning, and anything else that I know how to do. As long as I have more time than he does, that seems only right. 

Plain and simple, I don't know ONE PERSON WHO LIVES LIKE YOU.  You are a loser.  My X husband once told me laundry was beneath him.  Well, he's doing it now. And by the way, you are gonna have to look real real real hard to find a woman that nice and good looking again.  Coz, you aint worth it.

I know that I have only been married for 2 years, but my husband is my partner; me equal!  I have to say that if he ever came to me with a list of 75 things that every wife must be able to do, I would cram it up his nose until he had to breath out of his ears! 

  

I am a High Priestess in a Pagan coven (Like the pastor in a Christian church).  I believe in balance!  I have to say that Grant is looking for a child parent relationship with his wife.  I know that I am not a Doctor, but I have to wonder why Grant feels that he is the one in charge in this relationship.  Kelly is an adult, and why does Grant feel that he is in charge of her?  He isn't her parent!  Then here is my kicker question... If Grant treats his wife this way, what are their children learning?  How will their children learn how to have healthy relationships and good self worth in a living environment like this? 

  

I will finish with this concept which I have used with one of the members of my coven.  If you cannot treat your partner in life as an equal, how do you expect anyone else to see you as an equal? 

Thank you for reading my rant! 

Nichole 

So I was wondering....what year is this? Can women vote? As a women, am i the property of my husband of father? Hold on for a second let me go check...........Thank God, it's 2006.

  

 

 

  

 

So listen.....I am a 19 year old university student. I do not have kids and I am not married. And if most men were like you, I would never get married. I understand that I am not a specialist in marriages or homemaking, but in my meager 19 years on this planet, I have become an expert on respecting those I care about.  The reality is that you need to get back into that time machine of yours and come back to the 21st century. I agree that it is your wife's job to cook, clean and take care of your children. But let me ask you a question. Does your wife tell you how to do your job? I would assume that she does not. And the reason she does not tell you how to do your job is probably because she has confidence in you and respect for you or she wouldn't have married you in the first place. Your wife seems to be providing you with food and a clean house and wonderfully developed and socialized children and you should thank god for that. If you don't like the way she does something than you should just do it yourself. Then you will not be disappointed. And i agree that you should be allowed to criticize her for some of her cooking or cleaning, you have to earn that. If she cooked for you seven days a week, and six of those days you thanked her for the wonderful meal she caringly prepared for you, she probably wouldn't mind if on the seventh day you told her it need more parsley. You need to reevaluate yourself and figure out how you become such an ungrateful and selfish person. From what I saw on the show, the relationship you have with your wife as well as her "need" for wife lessons is a reflection of your own character not her abilities, skills or commitment to you. Is your goal to have a step ford wife or to completely destroy any confidence and happiness your wife has left?

  

 

  

I think today's show was very sad.   

  

I'm an engineering manager, and have been working in engineering for 25 years now, so I feel I can speak from experience.  This won't be a popular statement, but engineers are a very unique bunch.  Of course there are exceptions, but the very nature of an engineer is to be detailed, focused, make hard measurements, and have criticial (that is, analytical) thinking.  They - no, WE - have been trained to be that way. 

  

Please don't think I'm condoning Grant's behavior.  I don't.  But I do understand how someone with that type of training, can think that ways of dealing with work that have been so successful, make sense to apply to personal situations.   

  

I think, and this is why I found it sad, that Grant really is dumbfounded that the laws of engineering don't apply to his wife.   

  

But what's sadder to me is, her trying to please him by giving him what he's asking for.  His expectations are outrageous, and the 2 of them act like they are not.  I have worked for people like Grant - and firmly believe that he will be dissatisfied with her "performance", regardless of what she does.  That's just how people like that operate. 

  

Let's say that today, by some stroke of magic, Kelly becomes and does all Grant asks for.  He'll just raise the bar on her (and himself), and find something new to criticize.  This will be in the name of constant self-improvement.  BTW, this is another concept heavily applied in engineering.  

  

Dr Phil's right that, with his current state of mind, Grant chooses to be critical.  My guess is it makes him feel powerful.  His need for power says more about him, than it does about Kelly.  I doubt he ses that. 

He needs to get over himself.  He needs to back off his wife and love her for who she is and not try and change her. Did he just say to himself one day ok I'm going to marry her and then change who she is? He needs some serious help. No one is perfect, she is never going to be perfect, and by the way he is far from perfect himself. He could use some husband lessons. He needs to learn how to love and take care of his wife. To treasure her. If he can't do that then she needs to give him the boot.

Some how I missed what Grant does for a living on the first show.  During the intro I thought to myself......'..must be an engineer.'  I spit my coffee at the screen when Dr Phil announced Grant was an EE!!!!  Too funny.  It takes aquired skills to be successfully married to an engineer.  After 21 wonderful years......I'd be happy to share the things I've learned LOL.  My best piece of advice.....define your levels of percision like seen in a manual....specs......then let your hubby know if he expects higher standard specs.....he should plan to spend his days off achieveing them.  But don't  give up on them......they make fabulous providers, handy-men, fathers and lovers because they apply that same anal retentativeness to ALL tasks :-)

I just watched your follow up show with Grant and his wife.  First of all, I am not a wife, yet.  I am lucky enough to have finally found my soul mate and best friend after years of making the mistake of trying to be "good enough" for other people in my life.  It seemed like the harder I tried to be what they wanted or expected, the further I lost track of who I was and what made me happy and that led to a 9 year emotionally abusive relationship that still effects me today.  You told Grant to look within himself to be happy first and that is where all happiness starts.  I can wake up each morning knowing that John loves me for me and that I do not have to waste anymore time or energy to conform to another persons belief of what I should be and just enjoy being with myself and that is enough for him.  In doing so, his love and acceptance of me has made me want to be a better person and partner for him, so it all goes hand in hand.  I will be looking forward to getting married when we can afford to have a wedding with our family and friends as money right now isn't allowing that to happen, but we are working for that and when we do, the love we share will light the world and all hearts that day and I wish everyone could see that when you finally allow yourself to be happy, everyone around you benifits, but mostly yourself.  Thank you Dr. Phil for reminding me of things I have forgotten along the way in your messages to others, you are truly a gift.